Nourishment?

21.30. 3.5.11. Wednesday...

 Have been thinking about preparing a study on the Topic.. Jesus said, "I am the Bread of Life".  Was thinking about it at a contemplative prayer service tonight, as I looked at the bread and wine for communion... The question that came to mind was one about nourishment.

 What nourishes me?

 What depletes me?

 What can I do about it?

 I know I am nourished by food and water... sometimes too much of the wrong sort, and often not very nourishing really...  something to do something about?

 I am nourished most of all by connection with significant others, yet I know that my difficulty in connecting with myself, mean that all the other connections are never enough....

 I get discouraged about that often.....

 I am discouraged about that right now....

 Have been working hard on preparing for further anger work over the past few days... see my counsellor on Friday morning.... trepidation, anticipation, bleakness, lostness, wondering, fear, running away, running back....

 Hmmmmmmmm...........................................................

Do Smarties make you Smart!!??

Smarties remind me of sitting on the top bunk in an ocean liner on the way to or from Kenya, with my brother and sisters. We divided up a box of Smarties between us after dividing them into colours, we did eeny, meeny, mieny, mo..... for each smartie around the colour groups to know which colour we could take next. I remember when we were in our 20s buying a bag of Smarties and dividing them into colour groups and then dividing each colour group into 3 equal shares in little bowls - just so we all had an equal share of all the colours. That was just the 3 girls - I still often divide my Smarties into colour groups.... but not today. We needed equal shares because some people (me) suck the coating off each Smartie and savour the experience of each one - where as others scoff the lot quickly - and things needed to BE FAIR!!!!!

It is a clear and crisp winter's day today with frost this morning. I even made it back to the gym this morning and plan to go 3 times this week --- and so on ad infinitum.

Then I saw my counsellor - we talked 'around' some anger stuff - and at the end she said she reckons I am ready to start some 'anger work' Crumbs!!!! Yikes!!! Crikey!!! I see her again on Friday.

What God do you have?

I learned something this week...

I have had a harsh and tyrannical God, whom I inherited from my parents. They may not have experienced him that way... but that is who I learned to follow - except I know I was following a kind God too - I know Him/Her for other people...

I am angry that my parents neglected me for the sake of their service to this harsh God and I am angry that I wore myself out in his service too.

I said to my counsellor this week.. I don't want that God any more... I want a good, kind, loving, compassionate, gentle, upholding, forgiving and just God...

It is going to take some time to discover Her/Him or/and to be discovered by Her/Him.

I have a lot of work to do in releasing these long held angry feelings - the process has started - and I will have an opportunity tomorrow when I see my counsellor - to continue to explore these things.

It is very scary for me....