Thinking...

11.30 am Thursday, February 24, 2011

 I wish the quietness in my mouth, was mirrored in my heart and mind...

 Been having trouble sleeping again...  At least last night was a bit better...

 The sun is shining today.. and yes the mower people are coming again. One day, I will get a place that doesn't have much lawn!  But for now, I'm thankful for having a place to live, that isn't rubble!

 I saw my friend off to Madagascar yesterday, together with her two Malagasy friends, who were visiting.  So I spoke Malagasy again, for the first time in 4 years.  It was surreal to see them go.. and to know that it is a long time before I will be able to go back there to visit.

 Cultivate a grateful heart... hey!

Quiet?

10.30 Saturday, 19 February 2011...

 Wow, it has been a while...  Not that I haven't thought, most days, about writing something...  But ...

 Somehow the words just haven't been there...  My focus has been more on 'outward' things this past week.

 I led my first Bible Study in 9 years on Tuesday night.. and it was okay.. good, even.

 Then, I did the Community Care at the community shop on Wednesday morning..  There are some sad stories... and some made up ones!

 Some of the reading I've been doing this week... raised the question for me about how I respond to people who are different and have different opinions from me...  With judgement and divisiveness or with love and acceptance?  I realised as the week went on, that I have a lot more trouble having patience and compassion for people who are self righteous and judgemental, than I do for the fringe and struggling people of our world.

 Then, my house leaked on Wednesday night...  just as well that the landlord is here today to clean the gutters!

Thinking again...

4.35 pm, Friday, Feb 11, 2011.

 I have just lit my 'God candle' - It has been another huge day.  Went and saw my counsellor this morning - with very few words that I could find, about my experiences this week... but she helped me find some.

 I was thinking yesterday - about beginning to know, just a very tiny bit, about the relentless pursuit of God's love for me (and everyone)...  I was thinking, in a moment, when I was doubting that love again... that my belief or subjective experience of his/her love, doesn't change the reality of it.  That his/her love continues steadfastly, even when I feel isolated, alone, and despairing.  There have been a number of those moments this week... but also moments of consolation...

 May I never stop learning, reflecting and growing...

 I am thankful today for a connecting time with J this morning.
For a bit of time with my friends, over lunch.
 For a rest this afternoon.
 For a bit of a break from the heat and humidity.
 For hot tea, and a chocolate chip biscuit. :-)

Sleep... and new opportunities

8.30 am, Thursday, February 10, 2011

What a relief... I slept so much better last night - no lying awake and needing to get up.  Just a trip to the loo and back to bed and back to sleep, until nearly 7.00.  It makes a difference.

 On Tuesday, it was 13 years since my dad died of cancer.  I don't think that is why I haven't been sleeping this week ... but it is something to reflect on.  He bequeathed many good things to me, and I often wanted to be like him.

 I thought I was starting as a Community Carer at our Community Op Shop yesterday - and we had our group meeting - but someone else couldn't do his normal day, today - and said he would do yesterday.  I was relieved as I was so tired and anxious that I couldn't think straight.  So I will do 2 to 3 hours today.  I wonder who will come in for help with food parcels and other things?

 I was struck yesterday in the meeting as the others discussed some of the clients they have, and the issues with these clients...  that "I have done this before"..  The Community Ministries Pastor explained the protocol for helping people.. and I realised that it is so similar to what Anna and I had come up with in Madagascar - where we had a steady stream of people coming to our door needing assistance.  I am not unfamiliar with the stories - some so tragically true, and others creatively false.  I trust that I can slip into that groove again this morning.

 I am thankful for rest over night.
 That I don't feel quite so desperate today.
 The someone is coming to cut the lawn this morning - with a motor mower!!!
 That K, my new house mate, seems to be settling in okay - her mother is staying for a few more days.
 That I can be thankful.

Awake too early again

9.45 am, Tuesday, February 8, 2011.

 I am developing this distressing habit of waking up at about 4.00, and not being able to settle to sleep again, until I have been up for an hour or two, and had my morning medication.  It is very annoying and this morning was particularly distressing.

 I went and did filing at my friend's business for a couple of hours yesterday, after a morning appointment - and it wiped me out.  I am very disappointed to have to realise that I may not be able to continue with this commitment, especially in light of the other commitments I am making this term.

 My new house mate moves in today - that will be another adjustment.  I think it will be okay.  She is a nice young lady and I will be glad of an improvement in my financial situation.

 I am starting my role as a community carer at our church's community shop tomorrow morning.  I will be interviewing people who come for food parcels and financial help for 3 hours a week.  Tonight is the first small group meeting as well - a social one this time... but next week, I will be starting leading studies on Genesis 1-11.  I have prepared 4 of the 9 studies I want to lead with that group.

 Things to do...
 Make some more room in the kitchen cupboards.
 Bring the bin around from the front.
 Bring my towel in from the line.
 Brush my teeth.
 Organise the study printouts for tonight.
 Remember to take deep breathes, when I feel the tension rising.

 I am thankful for friends.

New Day

4.20 Saturday, Feb 5, 2011

 It might be afternoon... but today has been a new day.  I had a really difficult day yesterday and it was a struggle to make good choices about how to get through it...

 But my sleep wasn't too bad and today is better.

 I've spent some time this morning helping a friend get her house ready for sale soon... and we had a good talking and connecting time as well.  So something useful, as well as nice, and her clothes dryer dried my clothes.  It is very wet here these few days.

 It is nice that it is a bit cooler too. I have my snuggle shawl around my shoulders, and trackies on, and socks.  It is nice to be a bit snuggly. 

 I was talking to my counsellor yesterday about how even good days don't seem to help me a lot.. the sense of connectedness is so hard to hold on to.  She said that gratitude is one way to hold onto the good moments.  I will try and savour the things I am thankful for...

 I am thankful for being 'snuggly'.
 I am thankful for some connection today.
 I am thankful that someone will be able to mow my lawns next week.
 I am thankful that I made it through yesterday safely.....

5.00 pm, Wednesday, Feb 2, 2011

It's hot here... going to be very wet and windy up north... hot for the rest of the week in Sydney..  So I guess it means we are part of the environment - and however we think we can control it... we can't really.

 I have been thinking I need to do a thankful list again... but struggling to have that sense of gratitude in any concrete things...

 I am thankful for my fan... and that I could be in a friend's air-conditioning yesterday.
I am thankful that my back lawn will be mown eventually.
 I am thankful that I have been able to read a bit the past month or so.
 I am thankful for the care and concern of my friends... and their generosity to me.
 I think I'm thankful that I'm still here...