8.30, 23.3.11. Wednesday
Yes, I haven't written for a while...
Don't have much to say today...
Mum has been discharged from hospital...
I haven't spoken to her since then...
Have been trying to keep to my 'Lentan Fast' of breathing and gratitude at least once a day...
Don't seem to be able to do everything I feel I need to be doing..
Need a hug...
Wednesday, March 23, 2011
Saturday, March 12, 2011
My mum
Saturday. 8.00 am 12.3.11
Mum had a fall on Tuesday evening and badly broke her leg. She had to wait in hospital for 3 days before the traction would straighten it enough for the operation. She was in theatre for about 5 hours yesterday afternoon and evening, but has come through that so far.
I will be going down to stay with a friend who lives half an hour's drive from Geelong, this afternoon and she will come with me to see mum on Sunday and Monday. If mum starts to recover, I will come home next Tuesday. I am taking enough clothes and medication for all contingencies.
I am so grateful for my friend's support and help... as I have been really very stressed and shaky about it all.
Today is washing some clothes, morning tea with another friend, and then off to J's.
Breathe, and let go... breathe and let go... and don't jump ahead to the worst case scenario....
I'm trying....
Mum had a fall on Tuesday evening and badly broke her leg. She had to wait in hospital for 3 days before the traction would straighten it enough for the operation. She was in theatre for about 5 hours yesterday afternoon and evening, but has come through that so far.
I will be going down to stay with a friend who lives half an hour's drive from Geelong, this afternoon and she will come with me to see mum on Sunday and Monday. If mum starts to recover, I will come home next Tuesday. I am taking enough clothes and medication for all contingencies.
I am so grateful for my friend's support and help... as I have been really very stressed and shaky about it all.
Today is washing some clothes, morning tea with another friend, and then off to J's.
Breathe, and let go... breathe and let go... and don't jump ahead to the worst case scenario....
I'm trying....
Thursday, March 10, 2011
Shame
4.00 pm Thursday, 10.3.11
Was talking about shame with my counsellor today. I asked her what the antidote to shame is? I know the antidote to guilt... confession and forgiveness and reconciliation... but what about shame?
I often feel so much shame about my ongoing mental health difficulties and lack of capacity...
J said that maybe part of the way to approach shame is to 'take the power back'. We are ashamed when we feel exposed to others, and maybe they don't accept us, or maybe they ridicule us... Then we want to hide... If we can change the focus from 'exposure' to revelation... where I have the control of what I share... then maybe my shame can change to acceptance.
I am aware that for these changes to take place, there needs to be an essential shift in my experience of my depression and anxiety - a change in attitude from 'disability' to 'gift'... Is it possible to make that shift????
We also talked about the dark chasm that I feel separates me from 'all others'... and leaves me isolated on a tiny planet in out of space. J asked me what the darkness is... It was a struggle to find the answer... but it seems that it is lack of trust, and suspicion. She said that this was an appropriate response when my world was so unsafe... but maybe if I can learn to befriend the darkness and find a way to be grateful for the place it has played in my world... maybe it will change in substance...
I went to an Ash Wednesday service last night and was anointed with the sign of the cross on my forehead with ashes, along with all the others there. There was something very powerful in seeing the others come back from the altar with the communal ash markings on their foreheads... we are all dust and ashes... and waiting for the resurrection.
Was talking about shame with my counsellor today. I asked her what the antidote to shame is? I know the antidote to guilt... confession and forgiveness and reconciliation... but what about shame?
I often feel so much shame about my ongoing mental health difficulties and lack of capacity...
J said that maybe part of the way to approach shame is to 'take the power back'. We are ashamed when we feel exposed to others, and maybe they don't accept us, or maybe they ridicule us... Then we want to hide... If we can change the focus from 'exposure' to revelation... where I have the control of what I share... then maybe my shame can change to acceptance.
I am aware that for these changes to take place, there needs to be an essential shift in my experience of my depression and anxiety - a change in attitude from 'disability' to 'gift'... Is it possible to make that shift????
We also talked about the dark chasm that I feel separates me from 'all others'... and leaves me isolated on a tiny planet in out of space. J asked me what the darkness is... It was a struggle to find the answer... but it seems that it is lack of trust, and suspicion. She said that this was an appropriate response when my world was so unsafe... but maybe if I can learn to befriend the darkness and find a way to be grateful for the place it has played in my world... maybe it will change in substance...
I went to an Ash Wednesday service last night and was anointed with the sign of the cross on my forehead with ashes, along with all the others there. There was something very powerful in seeing the others come back from the altar with the communal ash markings on their foreheads... we are all dust and ashes... and waiting for the resurrection.
Tuesday, March 8, 2011
Gratitude
5.30 pm, Tuesday 8.3.11
Today is a public holiday for women in some parts of the world... including Madagascar.. Sometime equal rights make us lose something too... :-). It is Woman's Day.
I saw my counsellor yesterday... things were difficult on the weekend... she was helpful, as always... (I cried...) now that is rare for me!
We talked about Lent and Ash Wednesday being tomorrow. I have found a church here, where I can go to a service to be anointed with ashes as the start of Lent... Ashes to ashes... dust to dust. It is good to remember that I am 'but dust'... and Father/Mother God cares about me...
J suggested that I commit to gratitude for the season on Lent... to take time, at least morning and night... to relive those things I'm grateful for from the day... My other friend says that imagining positive experiences has the same affect on our brains as actually experiencing them... so if I relive my grateful things... then I can help make a pathway in my brain towards more positive thinking and feeling... the more often I do it.. the more defined the pathway becomes.
I know there are days when it is going to be really hard to do this...
Today I am grateful for my good friends...
For lunch with a friend, who blessed me with listening ears as I rabbited on...
For starting a new drawing...
For listening to music..
And for the potential of the experience at the Bible Study tonight...
Today is a public holiday for women in some parts of the world... including Madagascar.. Sometime equal rights make us lose something too... :-). It is Woman's Day.
I saw my counsellor yesterday... things were difficult on the weekend... she was helpful, as always... (I cried...) now that is rare for me!
We talked about Lent and Ash Wednesday being tomorrow. I have found a church here, where I can go to a service to be anointed with ashes as the start of Lent... Ashes to ashes... dust to dust. It is good to remember that I am 'but dust'... and Father/Mother God cares about me...
J suggested that I commit to gratitude for the season on Lent... to take time, at least morning and night... to relive those things I'm grateful for from the day... My other friend says that imagining positive experiences has the same affect on our brains as actually experiencing them... so if I relive my grateful things... then I can help make a pathway in my brain towards more positive thinking and feeling... the more often I do it.. the more defined the pathway becomes.
I know there are days when it is going to be really hard to do this...
Today I am grateful for my good friends...
For lunch with a friend, who blessed me with listening ears as I rabbited on...
For starting a new drawing...
For listening to music..
And for the potential of the experience at the Bible Study tonight...
Saturday, March 5, 2011
Sunny Saturday
4.00 pm Saturday. 5.3.11
Listening to a CD is good.
Having my candle burning is good.
A sunny day for the washing is good.
Nice time with a friend over lunch is good.
A nice cup of special coffee is good.
Being able to think about things.... I think that is good.
That I am feeling a little more settled today, than I was yesterday... is also good.
Hugs to everyone... don't forget to hug those single people you know!
Listening to a CD is good.
Having my candle burning is good.
A sunny day for the washing is good.
Nice time with a friend over lunch is good.
A nice cup of special coffee is good.
Being able to think about things.... I think that is good.
That I am feeling a little more settled today, than I was yesterday... is also good.
Hugs to everyone... don't forget to hug those single people you know!
Tuesday, March 1, 2011
Grateful for a public health system
4.50 pm Tuesday, 1.3.11
So.. I went through the unpleasant experience of colonoscopy prep on Sunday and yesterday morning, and then had the scope and a gastropscopy as well yesterday afternoon. As I said, I'm grateful for a public health system, which sometimes does well. The staff were friendlier and more respectful than at the endoscopy clinic where I have been before.
It was a routine screening procedure.. and I see the GP on Friday for the results.
Today is the first day of autumn... I was preparing a study for Genesis 6-9 a little while ago, and was reminded how the seasons and days will continue until God comes again... I wish I was as confident that the seasons in my emotional and mental life would be as predictable and sure.
I guess it has proved consistent that the dark days don't last forever, but then, neither do the brighter ones.
I am thankful for my God candle, for my blankie, for a washing machine, and for my good friends, and my car, even though it needed major repairs again last week.
So.. I went through the unpleasant experience of colonoscopy prep on Sunday and yesterday morning, and then had the scope and a gastropscopy as well yesterday afternoon. As I said, I'm grateful for a public health system, which sometimes does well. The staff were friendlier and more respectful than at the endoscopy clinic where I have been before.
It was a routine screening procedure.. and I see the GP on Friday for the results.
Today is the first day of autumn... I was preparing a study for Genesis 6-9 a little while ago, and was reminded how the seasons and days will continue until God comes again... I wish I was as confident that the seasons in my emotional and mental life would be as predictable and sure.
I guess it has proved consistent that the dark days don't last forever, but then, neither do the brighter ones.
I am thankful for my God candle, for my blankie, for a washing machine, and for my good friends, and my car, even though it needed major repairs again last week.
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