Advent.... How did it turn out???

So... how did Advent turn out?
 Somehow I found myself a few days out from Christmas, lost and lonely and distressed...  feeling like I had lost my way on the journey to Bethlehem...
 I was discouraged that all the preparation I had made seemed to have turned back on itself.

 I walked through a prayer labyrinth - and the first station was the Wise Men... and the questions asked me to think about and get in touch with the parts of me that plan and prepare, and put those plans into action.

 I felt such overwhelming grief and anger - for the excellent planning skills I have used in the past - that now seem to have been swallowed up in the pit of depression and my mental illness.  I wanted to move from my spot on the labyrinth - and lie on the floor towards the altar of the church, on my stomach, and pound my fists into the carpet...  But of course you 'don't do that'....

 I felt such disappointment in myself that I had prepared so well for Christmas, but had forgotten about planning things for the days in the last week before going to spend some time with my sisters in another town...

 However, the days passed - I am at my sister's home, will be leaving on Monday... time to think tomorrow about New Year 2012.

 I am carrying around with me, a little white stone, given to me by my counsellor... it is to remind me that I can 'find the way home' - if I just listen and pay attention....  The stone 'has my name on it'...  It has brought me great comfort.

 Paying attention is a good thing.....

Advent???

I have been looking forward to Advent...
 And didn't mind the first few readings in my book, Mary's Diary...
 That is where I ended up with a list of things about myself that I actually like...

 But today.... I'm just angry.
 Angry at talk about belonging, being chosen, being loved, and being noticed...
 I don't feel like many of those things are happening for me just at the moment...
 I don't want to hear about these things I long for happening for someone else...

 Today I have wanted to curl up in bed and never move again...
 I have thought various unhelpful thoughts... still think.....
 Sometimes chocolate biscuits just aren't enough...