Loneliness

Don't have any wise platitudes and confident phrases today....

 Sometimes I can have spent time with people and not have been touched in that deep place that yearns so much to be nurtured... like at my group break up today...

When is it time to reach out? and when is it time to sit with the loneliness and know that this is part of life... certainly a big part of my life?

And, I'm tired... what use is that?

 Hmmmmm.........

 Often tele doesn't cut it either.............

Saying hello

Be still and know that I am God...

 God is God of my church which is in turmoil...
 He/she is God of my pastor, who may be sacked this weekend....
 She/he is God of me... whose support structures are all in flux just now.....

 I was just sitting here thinking on these things and realised that often letting go comes before saying hello...
 There are many things that I seem to be 'losing' all at once...
 Especially in terms of the structures of my supports because of changes in these people's lives...

 The challenge is to 'let go'.....  and have open hands to 'say hello' to whatever new things may be out there for me... without being overcome by the anxiety, loneliness and grief that is part of the process....

 We get used to things being 'as they have been'
 It hurts when they change....
 ..... like when they took the comfy chairs out of the op shop cafe where I used to hang out more...
 .....like when I had conflict with one of my 4 best friends...
 ..... like when a significant support person lost her son, and may lose her job....
 ..... like when another significant support person may lose his job - and for both of these that means much more limited access to them on a 'drop-in for 5 minutes' basis...

 It hasn't happened yet  ... and as a wise friend said to me yesterday... it isn't my decision...

 Be still and Know that I am God!

Banksia

That is all there is to say today...

God knows your going out and your coming in Psalm 139

I was reading part of this Psalm this afternoon, and wondering again why I feel so angry when I read it... It is supposed to be one of the Psalms that brings most comfort - as we are invited to consider that we are fearfully and wonderfully made... and I feel angry....

 I was talking with my counsellor last week about gratitude bringing contentment - and she made the wise observation that this can be effective if the source of lack of contentment is envy, and she doesn't think that is the source of my lack of contentment... I'm not sure we worked out what is... and I expressed my frustration with repetitions of lengthly gratitude exercises over the past 10 years - which don't seem to have impacted my general mood and feeling of well being one iota!  And yet.... I know and firmly believe that being alive to the possibilities and realities in the moment are somehow a key to greater contentment for me... and I guess that means the realities even with they suck!

 If I could somehow learn to relish the present - the slight breeze from the fan, the music, the birds outside.. the reality of being 'in my skin' at this very moment... with the anxiety, sorrow, grief, and yet inkling of plans to try and get my physical self moving in the right direction again... as of now...

I can see my 'love to hug' piglet, pink and soft... I can see the photo of my parents taken 15 years ago or so.. with all the mixed emotions that brings... I can see the lovely box full of birthday cards from my birthday 2 months ago - and just next to me is my soft snuggle rug and snuggle shawl.  And angels surround! (no candle today, because of the fan)...

 I hope to go to drawing class this week... on thursday morning...  at least it will be a start... even if I just draw bottles again... it has been so long...

Thinking about death!

I have been thinking for some days about where to write...  there isn't always the appropriate forum - and sometimes the journal just doesn't cut it...

 One of my best friend's sons was killed in a pedestrian accident a week ago - he was 23, has a fiancee and they had just moved into their new house.  They had just got a lovely puppy!  The funeral was on Friday - moving, respectful, overwhelmingly sad... but with laughs as people remembered EXtreme Wes.

 I have had to see my counsellor some extra times during this period - it is a little unclear if his death was a suicide or not, and that triggers stuff for me - what about when I want to? 

 Then there is all the stuff about how I may want to be remembered if/when I die?  Who plans the funeral? Where do I want to end up? Does it really matter?  Right now it seems to matter.... I will put some stuff down on paper... soon... this week???

 And then there is my dear friend who is suffering such deep wrenching grief... she and her husband and family and the fiancee...  and yet I miss her - normally I see her even if just for a few minutes, most days, as she works at the office next door to the community shop where I hang out a bit.  What do I do with my grief about that?  And my shared grief with her?  I said on Facebook.. I want to come and sit in the silence with sack cloth and ashes....

 It all bloody hurts - and I guess looking to 'make it go away' isn't the aim...but to sit with it ... to allow it to be... to 'be' in it...  and it is lonely.....

 PS - I am back in some contact with my friend referred to in the previous post... it will take time to build bridges.

Friends???

I have been thinking a lot about friends over the past few days... after having had a significant series of misunderstandings with a significant friend...

 When this happens... is it possible to negotiate through to a place of mutual trust again?
 When this happens... is apology enough, especially when the mistakes on my side were unintentioned and unknown?
 When this happens... how do I process the hurt and sense of betrayal... how do I move to a place of forgiveness?

 I need my friends... do I need them too much?  Is this part of my mental illness?  Is knowing how to respect others' boundaries something we learn through social conditioning?  Or is it something that we struggle with through errors and corrections for a considerable time?  Until we die?

 I don't know how to begin to mend this friendship that has been wounded and I'm not even sure that my friend wants to...

 I am very sad about that...... and my heart hurts... and my mind has been racing about how I could have done things differently.. which I know isn't helpful in the long run.

 I remember, when I was in Madagascar... and had made yet another cultural mistake...  the words came to mind that 'the blood of Jesus covers a multitude of sins...'  I had a picture of putting my mistakes with Jesus, and trusting that those I had offended or hurt, would forgive and forget....  Guess I could do that now...