Anxiety........

I am thinking about anxiety today.....
 I am in the process of decreasing my day time anti anxiety meds... I reckoned I was still feeling considerable anxiety while taking the meds... so I may as well go off them and look for alternative strategies to cope with feeling anxious....

 Not sure how well that is working....

 Was reading today about a God who looks after me... and wondering why I still feel so anxious so much of the time.... 

 I know that the ongoing process of learning to be 'in the present moment' is part of the solution, and also knowing my feelings in that moment - and processing the things that are happening to me... instead of waiting for 2 days to have a reaction that I can pin point....

 There is the balance between activity, people contact, and down time... I don't handle the down time well...  I also know that now that I have started swimming twice a week... that this can help - and know in my head, that more exercise would help more - Can't change everything at once.

 Today the extreme wind we are having has been exacerbating my anxiety - at least I managed to close the latch the window in my room so it isn't banging anymore....

 My counsellor reckons that as I become more integrated as a person, my anxiety will ease.... Hmmmmmmmm.......

African Child

My last visit to Kenya was in 1996 and I was overcome with all consuming overwhelming grief during the entire 10 days I was there.  Grief for the childhood Kenya which seemed to have changed so much.  Grief for the loss of relationships from my childhood and teenage years... and grief that I didn't even know about...

 I vowed at that time that I would never go back to Kenya again - that whatever had been there for me was gone...

 I have discovered in the past week that my African child is still part of me... that she has been hidden and 'lost' for many years, but due to a friend's recent trip to Africa to visit her missionary daughter and her family - this lost African child has demanded to be noticed.  It has been unsettling and scary as my 'community of selves' has had to move around to find a space for her.

 My African child experiences Africa with pleasure and with all the senses - she is expansive and knows joy... something that I have had so little of for so many years.  I have dug up the few Africa photos I have left, having thrown most of them away when I was moving ... and started the process of scanning them. 

 My friend who just came back from visiting her family - has put forward the idea that I could go to Kenya with her sometime in the next couple of years!  Maybe that would be helpful in my healing.. to have some connection between my Australian life and my Kenyan life.  I have no idea about how this could possibly happen. But I wouldn't even have considered it 6 months ago...

 So..... welcome African child....  I trust you will find a space within me and teach me some of the things you know....