Africa or Aus: 2016

Reflections for Compassionate and Sensitive People (Empaths).

Introduction

I used to think that the teachers and youth leaders around me in my late teens and early 20’s should have known that I was seriously unwell mentally. I can look around a room and I ‘know’ who is struggling. Doesn’t everyone do that?

I have learned that not everyone can do this. Some people are blessed or cursed with an extra sensitivity and compassion. They ‘look’ at people and ‘see’ them…. Not just the outside but also something of the inside. They are a gift to the community, and being one of them can be a challenge.

This article is for them, and for others who want to understand them and have some insight into the cost of this gift. Although this is article isn’t just for people of faith, faith stories will feature in it. Because my religious heritage is Christian, I will refer to stories from this faith tradition and its Scriptures and theology.

There are a few initial paragraphs for mentors, parents, teachers and other mature people who come across sensitive people, as this article may help you to be able to better understand those with whom you come in contact. As my attention focuses more directly on the life experience of sensitive and compassionate people, I will begin with a theological reflection on the nature of God and people. This will be followed by some thoughts regarding sitting with the pain that comes with this gift and then an exploration of some paradoxes. Finally there is a much needed section on self-care strategies.

This is a reflection and draws from my own life experience, reading, and also stories told by other sensitive and compassionate people I know. These people are also known as Empaths. It is not academic writing and although some sources for information will be mentioned, they will not be fully referenced.

1. Notes for mentors, teachers, parents and other mature people who come in contact with sensitive people in their formative years.

It can often take many years for sensitive people to develop a mature self- awareness of their gifts and contribution to community. It may be that during their formative years they are described by adults as ‘too sensitive’, ‘too caring’, ‘too involved’, or even ‘too loud’, ‘too naughty’, or ‘too emotional’.

If you, as a mentor, have someone in your group who fits these descriptors, it may be that they are an empath who can develop gifts that will serve your community and the community at large. The ‘too sensitive’ descriptor wounds them deeply and they often think that there is something wrong with them. Sensitivity is not a curse, although it may be experienced by many sensitive people as being one, as they are misunderstood and abused or bullied.

A more helpful approach to sensitive youths and young adults is one of respect, encouragement and mentoring to assist them to develop their sensitivity and use it in one-on-one and group encounters. They do need help to learn about boundaries and appropriate self-care as discussed below. I trust you will find this article helpful in developing an understanding about empaths and the role they can play in your family, school, religious community, social group, and the community at large.

I will now turn my attention to the experience and challenges of sensitive and compassionate people beginning with a short theological reflection from a Christian point of view.

2. Theological Reflection

a. Nature of God. Compassion and mercy

A commonly held belief in the mystical traditions of world religions is that there is a higher benevolent power who has some involvement in people’s lives. In the Christian faith, this power is called God (among other titles, Father, Mother, Spirit, Son, Wind, Wisdom, Water, Bread, Life…).

The most prominent characteristic of God in the Christian Scriptures is that he/she is compassionate. God reveals to Moses him/herself on Mt Sinai as the “The Lord, the Lord, the compassionate and gracious God, slow to anger, and abounding in loyal love and faithfulness, (Exodus 34:6 NET).

In the Psalms, the description of God’s lovingkindness and compassion abound. Marcus Borg explains that this word for compassion or lovingkindness comes from the Hebrew for ‘womblike’. It is like the overwhelming love a mother has for her child. It often comes up from the womb for a woman, or the base of the belly for a man.

The Christian Scriptures talk about Jesus being moved in his bowels with compassion. It is a key characteristic used in reference to his dealings with the poor and marginalised with whom he often interacted.

Sensitive people exhibit this essence of compassion, which is a characteristic of God. They also often experience and show mercy to others, another character trait used to refer to God… who is described as quick to show mercy and compassion. Mercy is related to lovingkindness in that it flows out from one to another, and brings healing.

As the Good Samaritan showed mercy on the man who was beaten up by bandits on the road to Jericho. God shows mercy to the people of the world by offering them a relationship with him/her, and putting a desire in people’s hearts for ‘something more’… If they have the space and quiet to hear this voice. God’s womblike love and mercy is reflected through sensitive people to the community and through this there arise feelings of connectedness and healing.

b. Creation History: Nature of people.

There are two main ways to talk about history for Christian people. One is redemption history, which focuses on the story of Jesus and his actions and death. Creation history which is also clear in the Scriptures has tremendous value when considering the outworking of compassion.

One of the foundations of creation history is that men, women and children are formed in the image of God and have intrinsic value, and the capacity to relate to the divine. Some would say that all people, and in fact, all of the universe reflect God in their nature in some way or another. This viewpoint is significant when reflected upon in terms of who needs to receive compassion and when.

Creation history points to the fact that all people are worthy to be treated with compassion, whatever their race, gender, age, sexual orientation, deeds, religion, politics or any other divisive factor. Compassion is genuinely inclusive.

Sensitive people gain an increased capacity to appreciate this as they grow in years and spiritual awareness. They tend to be non-dual thinkers, as Richard Rohr talks about, accepting of all people and being willing to find the good even in those who seem most difficult to love.

I have a friend who tells a story about her son when he was about 10. They had a conversation that went something like this.

Rob: “Mummy, did God create everything?”

Mum: “Yes, Rob, he/she did.”

Rob: “Even Darth Vader?”

Mum: after a pause, “Yes, even Darth Vader.”

Rob: “Then Darth Vader was a saddie, not a baddie.”

This is something that empaths are often able to see. That ‘bad’ people are often ‘sad’ people… who have been wounded and are taking their wounds out on those around them. This may put them at odds with their peers and with society’s judgements about who is good and who is bad. This doesn’t mean that sensitive and compassionate people don’t make judgements and have prejudices according to elements in their own shadow self… but they tend to be less judgemental than many others in society.

3. Sitting with the pain

a. Personal story

In my experience, sensitive and compassionate people have a story of their own personal pain, often from a young age. This contributes to the paradox of wounded healers which will be dealt with more fully in a following section. One of the challenges this brings, is that although these people often end up in some type of caring profession, the practice of this profession can come at great personal cost. This is especially the case if one’s own issues haven’t been identified and are not being processed with help.

In my own experience, I became a nurse, then a teacher and finally a chaplain. I lived a double life. On the one hand, I was experiencing intense emotional and psychological pain, and on the other hand, I was competent and acknowledged as being a proficient and effective carer of others. This pattern asserted itself as early as my high school years. I have heard stories of others with similar experiences. I dealt with the incongruence of my psychological life and my work and relational life by a high degree of dissociation.

This is a highly unhelpful and unsustainable way to live. Yet it can be part of the pain of being a empath. The ability to sense the needs of those around one, leads to a response, often at the long term cost of the carer’s own mental and physical health.

Of course, not all sensitive people are like this. Some have had balanced lives and caring and supportive families, but I suspect that some degree of early pain has enabled them to see through the ‘layers’ of others and perceive that which may be hidden from the general public. This is part of ‘living with the pain’. The challenge is to undertake a lot of boundary work, so that one makes sure that they are caring for themselves as well as caring for others. Knowing when to say ‘NO’, and to move on is a crucial part of this and will be dealt with more fully in the following section on boundaries.

b. Trusting the other (and spirit)

A significant strategy for sitting with the pain of open eyes and heart is to trust in the other and their own capacity to process their own experience. It is not helpful to be the rescuer, for either the carer, or the person in need. Sensitive and compassionate people can learn that they are not responsible for the other’s wellbeing.

There is much they can do to assist the person they perceive is hurting, angry, or distressed, through approach, saying hello, a gentle touch when appropriate, and engaging in conversation so that the person knows that they have ‘been seen’. In many casual encounters such strategies may be all that are required. The person goes away from the encounter encouraged that they have been seen and have made a connection.

There are other times when in-depth connection and listening will occur quite spontaneously. It may be appropriate after these conversations to refer people to professional help. If the sensitive person is in a professional role already, one of the keys to maintaining their own health, is to trust the process and the capacity of the other, as mentioned above, however slow or poorly developed this may be. I believe that the power of Spirit is released in all profound encounters and often the work that is done by the individual between encounters has more significance for their growth than the actual encounter.

This is trusting the person, their resources, and spirit. I am (and you are) not responsible to make someone feel better.

c. Trusting self

Sensitive and compassionate people need to trust themselves as well as trusting the other. They can have a tremendous resource and insight into the hearts of others and it is integral that they learn to listen to their own ‘gut’ or ‘heart’ as to whether they are in a place where they can respond to the things they see or feel.

As has been mentioned earlier, it is okay to say, ‘no’. This doesn’t have to be a verbal no, but can be an internal one, as a person is aware of their own available resources at any given time. A highly sensitive person, in a group setting, can be assaulted on all sides by others’ emotions, and it is important for them to be learning to know themselves well, so as to be able to assess when it is appropriate to respond.

Another aspect of trusting oneself, is in knowing that whatever is offered is ‘enough’ for that moment. This can be through the gentle acknowledgement of someone’s pain or through a referral to professional care. An empath can also learn to trust in their capacity to see/feel. This capacity can be developed through practice and training. It is always necessary to check with the one who is been seen as to whether the perceived emotion is really present or is a projection of something within the one doing the seeing.

These things and others are all part of learning to trust oneself in the context of your interactions with others.

d. Boundaries

Much has been written about personal and relational boundaries over the past 30 years. The most commonly known writers and lecturers in Christian circles on the topic of inter-relational boundaries are Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend who wrote the seminal books on Boundaries. For further information about how to relate to others within appropriate boundaries please refer to them. Following, however, is a short segment about keeping to one’s boundaries, as it is an integral need for sensitive and compassionate people in order for them to maintain robust mental and emotional health.

A therapist I have done work with, uses hula hoops in her practice to help her clients to clarify elements of their relationships which are within their boundary and those that are without. Boundaries are essentially the extent of our personal space and responsibility. They define ‘what is mine’ and ‘what belongs to someone else’. Healthy boundaries have gates that can allow people and experiences in or out. They protect the person from the effects of abuse, and allow him or her to grow to their full potential. When these boundaries are violated, anger is the resulting emotion. If not dealt with this anger can turn inward and show itself as a depressive illness.

All people need to develop healthy boundaries and an awareness of where ‘I’ stop and ‘the other’ begins. I am responsible within my boundary for my attitudes, behaviours, feeling, values, decisions etc. I am not responsible for others’ attitudes, behaviours, feelings, values and decisions. I can only deal with what I am responsible for.

Empaths need to work hard to develop good boundaries, as there is a strong temptation for them to take responsibility for what someone else is feeling or doing. This is extremely unhealthy and will only lead to increased stress and emotionally instability. In order to do this, it is often necessary for them to have someone to debrief with after a significant encounter with someone with high needs. Clarifying what is theirs and what belongs to the other enables them to go forward with peace and good mental health. Others’ emotional needs and responses can trigger responses in the sensitive person interacting with them, which have nothing to do with the other, but are part of the sensitive person’s own story. Healthy boundaries help one to learn to be aware of whose issue belongs to whom.

Because sensitive and compassionate people may have been wounded in their early years, they may not have a healthy awareness of their own boundaries. This is where reading books like Cloud and Townsend, or watching their DVDs, can be helpful. Another useful tool is to have their own professional help or supervision.

e. The place of emotion

It is not uncommon for an empath to have an emotional reaction to someone else’ story or pain. This is quite appropriate and is part of what makes them a sensitive person. A question arises about how much of this reaction should be revealed in the encounter with the other. Or to put it more simply are tears, anger, or some other emotional response appropriate?

I believe that showing an emotional response in the context of hearing someone’s story is appropriate within the boundaries we have spoken about above. Care needs to be taken as to whether the emotion is arising from the other’s story or out of the listener’s own story. Often this is hard to differentiate, as the resonance between stories is one thing that gives these encounters such power to bring healing.

The way emotion is shown depends on the relationship between the two people, or person and group, who are sharing together. Some of the different types of relationships are those between strangers, acquaintances, close friends, or therapist and client. In my experience I have found that a genuine expression of emotion in reaction by the listener to the story I am telling has been most helpful and healing.

One of the things to keep in mind, is whether the emotion being triggered is appropriate for the story being told, or whether it is arising from a deeper place within the listener’s own story. If this is the case, it can overwhelm the one telling the story and the encounter moves from being a healthy one to an unhealthy one. Or to put it more simply, the one in need can become burdened by the sensitive person’s own story and need.

f. Self-care

By the very nature of their personality and life experience, empaths are sensitive. As such, their hearts are touched by others’ stories. For them to maintain a balanced and healthy life, self-care is essential. I have devoted an entire section at the end of this document to explore various ideas about how one can take care of oneself and not become burnt out by the bombardment of awareness of other people’s needs.

4. The Paradox

There are areas of paradox in encounters sensitive people have with others. By paradox, I mean elements in which two seemingly opposing things can be true at one time. I have identified three of these in this section and will comment on them briefly.

a. Wounded healer

As has been noted above, often a sensitive person is someone who has had their own personal wounds through life. These can come from their experience in their family of origin, sexual abuse, grief and loss, trauma, bullying, work, family, and any number of other things. One of the paradoxes of empaths is that they are usually wounded healers. It is because of their experiences of difficulty that they are able to see and understand what others are feeling.

This is one of the reasons I gave the previous section the title, “Sitting with the pain”. The resonance that comes in the encounter between the sensitive person and the one they are listening to, is the ‘deep calling to deep’ which is talked about in the Psalms. (Psalm 42:7): The wound resonating with the other’s wound. It is a gift and a paradox and there is a price paid due to this truth.

b. Gifts received and gifts given

Gifts given and received is another paradox that is part of encounters between empaths and those who are hurting. It is common for both parties to leave the encounter with a feeling of encouragement and of having received a gift. Maybe this is true of all deep encounters between people and is part of what oils community. Hurting people have much to give. Their very vulnerability can be ‘gift’, even though they often find this hard to believe. This is especially true if there are good boundaries on behalf of the one doing the listening.

c. Power and powerlessness

A final paradox that I will deal with here is that of power and powerlessness. A sensitive person can be in a position of great power. Their ability to sense the emotions of others can give them the power to wound or hurt someone even further, although this may rarely by the course they take. They also have power to offer the other a feeling of being seen as talked about earlier. This is a tremendous gift. Like a pure diamond or pearl.

Yet, at the same time there is real powerlessness. Ultimately the other’s response to their wounds is up to them. If someone is in an intense phase of grief, even the most sensitive listening cannot assuage that grief. Often the amount of help that can be offered in a casual setting is limited because of the sensitive person’s own maturity, training and experience.

Yet… There is a ‘balm in Gilead’, as the prophet Jeremiah talks about. As has been mentioned earlier, the resonance of a deep interpersonal encounter has its own intrinsic power.

5. Self-care

Empaths need to pay rigorous attention to self-care. This is part of their boundary. Because their hearts resonate with others so profoundly, they need to make sure they do all they can to maintain optimal mental, spiritual, emotional and physical health, or they risk the danger of becoming burnt out and being unable to use the unique gifts that have been entrusted to them for the benefit of the community.

What follows is by no means an exhaustive list, but I trust the reader will find some ideas that may be helpful for them.

a. Boundaries

(Refer above)

b. Spirit

Prayer; Meditation; Reflection; Liturgy; Music; Worship; Letting go; Quiet; Scripture; Religious gatherings; Inspirational books…

c. Heart

Nature; Music; Candles and lights; Liturgy; Mindfulness; Colouring; Painting; Drawing; Journaling; Craft; Creativity; Mandalas; Poetry; Quiet…

d. Body

Rest (sleep, movies, TV, music, quiet, time with friends…); Diet (fluids, balanced and varied nutritious food intake…); Exercise (walks, gym, dance…)…

e. Community

Debriefing, either with close mature friends, in formal therapy or supervision; Friends; Laughter; Groups; Parties…

Closing remarks and conclusion.

Being an empath is not an easy journey through life and it can be a rich and rewarding one. When a friend, loved one, or acquaintance is suffering, the sensitive and compassionate person can often feel this suffering in their very being, in their gut, as was talked about earlier.

Learning the lesson of not carrying the other’s pain in my own body has been key for me. I can’t help but feel the pain, but I don’t have to carry it. This has only come about by learning how to develop clear boundaries between myself and others, and also the limits of my own resources and responsibility, in the light of another person’s need.

I have needed professional help over a number of years to begin to learn how to live with the gift I have to give to the community. There is no shame in this and I would encourage other people who identify as empaths, to have good solid support and guidance as they develop their gift in all its fullness.

I trust that this article has been helpful for sensitive and compassionate people as they learn and grow into deeper awareness. I also trust that it has helped those who relate to empaths to treat them with compassion and respect and not to expect too much of them. To be aware of the feelings of others in a room full of people is a burden and a gift. Sometimes, empaths just get tired and run out of resources. I trust that their families and friends can continue to love and respect them when this happens.

Take care, take courage, and keep growing…

Hope, Australia.

Africa or Aus

Sunday, September 11, 2016

Anniversaries

Thursday, September 8, 2016

Thoughts for Empaths