Anniversaries

This month, there are three anniversaries...

The anniversary of my birth....

The anniversary of my mother's death less than a week later...

The anniversary of my mother's birth, two days after that...

I have such mixed feelings about these times this year.
I have never worried about getting older before, and am not sure that is really my difficulty with my birthday this year.  I turn 55.... that magical age when I would be able to have my housing commission unit.... if I was still on the 'quick list', which I'm not at the moment.

I am more aware that it is unlikely I will be working again for money during my life.  My anxiety and depression continue to assail me, even though there has been much progress is discovering my true self over recent years.

I missed my mother, in the period after my recent surgery... and as I have recovered, I am discovering yet again my rage at my parents for not being 'good enough' parents for me.  There are the challenges of processing and finding ways of releasing this rage... which my housemate assures me is larger than 'at my parents', but they are a symbol of all that is wrong in the world.  I have run from rage for most of my life and it is a scary thing to begin to find it.  A poignant time around the time of the anniversary of mum's death and birth.

Today I am having a birthday party for my inner circle and second circle of friends.  I have 13 people coming and a few who can't.  I am continuing astounded at this beloved group of people who have gathered around me over the past 8 years particularly.  They bring so much to my life and are teaching me about acceptance and love.  I am humbled by their care, and that of others interstate and overseas.

Maybe rage and love are more closely related that I have been aware.

Many of my friends rejoice in my exploration of my rage, and affirm me in love...

There will be cake, and smarties, and jelly beans, and a balloon, and flowers....

And I will be humbled by gifts and cards....

And there may even be speeches...

Then I will do it again with my family next weekend in Geelong...

That is all!