The way home......

I carry a small white stone in my pocket, most of the time...

It reminds me that there is a way home...

Like Hansel and Gretel....

Home seems a long way away....

I wonder if I have ever been there...

I play with my stone and feel its shiny, marbled whiteness...

I hold it in my pocket when I'm anxious...

Sometimes I long for home with a longing that is beyond words...

Almost beyond feelings...

I used to draw a house with a chimney and the lights on and an open door, at the top of an endless cliff... with a swing in the tree outside...

I drew the picture over and over again...

I don't draw it any more....

I don't know where home is, but somehow don't think it it out there somewhere...

Somehow I need to find the home in the silence of my heart and soul...

Maybe I won't be so restless then...

That would be nice..........................

I carry my home finding stone.... with the tiniest hope that I will find my way someday.

Dreams

"Do you think dreams can come true?" (Seachange)..

Do I think dreams can come true?

I dreamed today about being less riddled with anxiety and that has been true.

I dream about belonging and I don't know if that will ever come true.

I dream about existing for myself and for others as a real person with thoughts, feeling, desires, and will... what can I do to make that come true?

I found my fridge magnets today... I used to dream about that, so that came true.

I also found my tea dispenser - so I can drink my Kenyan and herbal tea... that is a good thing.

I dream about having glasses I can see with...

I dream about having friends over...

I dream about being able to read books again...

I dream about silence, within and without...

I dream about putting precious stones in the gtound of my being so that the shape and colour and texture changes...

I dream about having hope...

I dream about haivng more than one day in a row when I don't want to hurt myself...

I dream about life... I dream about death... invigeration & desolation; energy & lethargy; motion & inertia...

I dream about finding the fire in my belly and harnessing it for good...

I dream about being myself - being true to myself, with due care and compassion and tolerance for others...

I dream about saying no to the gingerbread man and the cake...

I dream about not being afraid....

I dream of Africa... over and over again. Wild raging dreams often filled with danger and fear.

I dream about knowing God and being known by him/her in a way that I know...

I dream of friends I truly trust and that starts with trusting myself...

I dream about not carrying the weight of pain, anxiety and depression..

I dream of hope...

       .....of dancing in the sunshine

      ......or sitting in a comfy chair drinking tea with friends...

Do dreams come true?????

Hassles

I have been off the air for a while..  My computer has been away for repairs and was a bit of a mess before that.  The past few days have been very stressful, as I have had to take my car to the panel beaters for repairs to some scratched paint from a bump a number of weeks ago.  It made me realize that my capacity to cope with stress remains under developed.  It is a relief to have the car and the computer back now and the internet connection working as well.

I am house sitting the resident dog - a Jack Russell - until next Wednesday.  Not too hard, feeding and water, and some tablets that he needs to take. 

I wish I could say that life is improving, but often all I can feel are the bumps that come along the way.  I do have some new friends though, which has been a joy.  I am very thankful for the friends who encourage me so much in so many areas.

Respite

I have the wonderful opportunity to spend 2 nights and 3 days with friends in their beautiful spare room - built as a retreat - heating/cooling, TV, tea and coffee and fridge, en suite with bath made to lie down in and scented oil and candles - green to see from the windows, a little balcony - if it wasn't too cold for it.  Only 5 minutes walk from a creek walking trail....

Books to read - home cooked food -

It should be bliss - but it also gives time for reflection which can be painful.  Still I have use of my friend's computer now, so can keep in touch with people.  and oh yes... I forgot to bring my CD's and the music on my phone is on shuffle! so gives me a real mixture! and it is designed for walking, not reflecting...

Can't have everything.  I'll be better prepared next time!  Thankful for dear friends who share their lives with me.

Bugger

It is pretty bad when your life's goal is to learn how to somehow be more content with your own company - and you can't imagine how that could ever happen.

When you go to bed each day wondering how you will be able to get up the next morning, and yet somehow you always do.

When sometimes going through the motions of life is just not enough....

But that seems to be all there is....

It's time

It's time to move the profound expression of grief off the front page of my blog - not that the grief has passed, but the intensity has eased somewhat.  I remain in a conundrum about what to do about church - well not really, I have decided that I will look around at other churches.  Somehow regular conventional church just doesn't do it for me any more - although I know it isn't all about me.

I have been to visit a 'church of disappointment' for 3 Sundays.  They minister to the marginalised and have a professional, yet spontaneous type of worship.  People with mental health issues may call out during the sermon, there is the noise of the children during the main part of the service, until the sermon, some people in wheelchairs come, who are extremely disabled, homeless people wander in off the street, street girls come in and light a candle and cross them selves at the altar, while the sermon is on.  The service breaks for morning tea just before the message, and there is a shared lunch afterwards.  The ministers are kind, thoughtful, sensitive and gentle.  And they have couches - a big bonus for me.  I like it there.  They have communion every week, and you go up and receive it from the servers in the aisles.  My only problem is that it is a bit far from where I live.  But it may be a place of healing, that I can attend for a while.

I am still linked with my other church because of some groups I'm involved with there - the big question is - do I let those groups go or not???  One only lasts til the end of July.  I can wait that long surely.  How do I discern about whether to let the other group go or not - when we reach the July holidays.  My gut tells me to, my guilt tells me not to.  I guess it shouldn't be too difficult to know which one to follow! :) .

Grief

This week has been another week when I have been experiencing real and profound grief....

What do you do with the ache in your heart and body, that is just with you day and night?

What do you do with the hopeless thoughts that come?

What do you do with the tears, and wracking sobs... that don't seem to stop forever?

What do you do, when life still goes on around you, and the washing, the showering, the teeth, the food, and the driving still needs to be done?

What do you do when connection is so very essential... and people offer the ocnnection they can, which is gratefully received... and some balm... and the ache remains as you walk away....

How do you explain to the doctor the grief that sounds like it is 'such a ittle thing'?... when for you it isn't?

How do you cope when there is grief upon grief ... and then others you know nothing about... yet... but your body knows?

How do you sit with the essential existential loneliness of that grief - and not become burdened by others' grief over the same loss?

Why do you sit in the counsellor's room and talk simply and unemotionally about how the week has been - like your mouth is cut off from your heart?

Is it true that movement towards acceptance of the loss is possible?  Is it true that movement itself is possible?

People leave, and others can't take their place - and it is just a reminder in my body of all the abandoments of forever.....

What to do when no amount of care is enough.... and the energy to do the things that could bring life... like swimming... is so lacking?

Sleep evades... heart aches.... composure is contained....

Anxiety........

I am thinking about anxiety today.....
 I am in the process of decreasing my day time anti anxiety meds... I reckoned I was still feeling considerable anxiety while taking the meds... so I may as well go off them and look for alternative strategies to cope with feeling anxious....

 Not sure how well that is working....

 Was reading today about a God who looks after me... and wondering why I still feel so anxious so much of the time.... 

 I know that the ongoing process of learning to be 'in the present moment' is part of the solution, and also knowing my feelings in that moment - and processing the things that are happening to me... instead of waiting for 2 days to have a reaction that I can pin point....

 There is the balance between activity, people contact, and down time... I don't handle the down time well...  I also know that now that I have started swimming twice a week... that this can help - and know in my head, that more exercise would help more - Can't change everything at once.

 Today the extreme wind we are having has been exacerbating my anxiety - at least I managed to close the latch the window in my room so it isn't banging anymore....

 My counsellor reckons that as I become more integrated as a person, my anxiety will ease.... Hmmmmmmmm.......

African Child

My last visit to Kenya was in 1996 and I was overcome with all consuming overwhelming grief during the entire 10 days I was there.  Grief for the childhood Kenya which seemed to have changed so much.  Grief for the loss of relationships from my childhood and teenage years... and grief that I didn't even know about...

 I vowed at that time that I would never go back to Kenya again - that whatever had been there for me was gone...

 I have discovered in the past week that my African child is still part of me... that she has been hidden and 'lost' for many years, but due to a friend's recent trip to Africa to visit her missionary daughter and her family - this lost African child has demanded to be noticed.  It has been unsettling and scary as my 'community of selves' has had to move around to find a space for her.

 My African child experiences Africa with pleasure and with all the senses - she is expansive and knows joy... something that I have had so little of for so many years.  I have dug up the few Africa photos I have left, having thrown most of them away when I was moving ... and started the process of scanning them. 

 My friend who just came back from visiting her family - has put forward the idea that I could go to Kenya with her sometime in the next couple of years!  Maybe that would be helpful in my healing.. to have some connection between my Australian life and my Kenyan life.  I have no idea about how this could possibly happen. But I wouldn't even have considered it 6 months ago...

 So..... welcome African child....  I trust you will find a space within me and teach me some of the things you know....

Duplex... situations

Doing things hard today...

My gifted and caring pastor had to resign due to a church conflict in late November...

 I got word in the past day or so, that a very dear Malagasy friend and pastor - has been kicked out of his church where he has pastored for 12 years... with much resistance from the power brokers, because he wouldn't play their game... and they have won now.

 My australian pastor still has somewhere to live... my Malagasy pastor and his family (youngest 4 months old) have had to move from the manse and I expect will be crowded into one room in the home of family members...

 My Australian pastor has received his entitlements.... my Malagasy pastor has had to leave with about 7000 dollars owing from the 12 years he has been there, when he has been underpaid... and no entitlements...

 It sounds like I'm comparing the situations... just that I'm so grateful that our freedoms and unions and culture allow for people who have been 'moved on' to be cared for sometimes... not like in Madagascar...  were there is no care...

 Both situations break my heart - and I am feeling very sad today, and distressed...  I wish there was something I could do to help both of these men and their families ... and I have nothing to offer - except my care and prayers... and it just hurts...

 Really badly...
 Really, really badly....

Revisiting 2011

 Where have you met Christ in 2011?
     in friends, in events, in the environment, in provision, in reconciliation, in quietness, in our minister


thankfulness - What did God unwrap for you in 2011? & What are you thankful for?
    new place to live, some good connections with those I care about, a new psychiatrist, no problems with my car or computer, enough to live on, through the thoughtful generosity of people, some things about myself that I actually like... as hard as they are to remember...
 
sorrow – What have you lost in 2011 & What are you leaving behind?
    ongoing sorrow for many things... so many that I haven't left behind yet...  I have lost a level of fitness and am disappointed about that, left my old home of 5 years, moved further away from my support and friendship base...,

gift – What gifts from the past year can you carry into the next?
    my gifted and insightful counsellor, a measure of physical health, new meds that seem to be helping a bit better, deeper connections with my family, fledgling friendships to be developed, a small group to lead...

fear – What are your fears and worries for the year ahead
    so many unnamed and undefined anxieties....  that some how... I will stuff it all up....

hope – What are your hopes for the coming year?
    a hint of more contentment, and maybe a moment or two of joy, increasing confidence in the things I used to do well before, deeper friendships, a new friend or two...  stability in my living situation for the time being...

 That's enough for now and for this venue...