This week has been another week when I have been experiencing real and profound grief....
What do you do with the ache in your heart and body, that is just with you day and night?
What do you do with the hopeless thoughts that come?
What do you do with the tears, and wracking sobs... that don't seem to stop forever?
What do you do, when life still goes on around you, and the washing, the showering, the teeth, the food, and the driving still needs to be done?
What do you do when connection is so very essential... and people offer the ocnnection they can, which is gratefully received... and some balm... and the ache remains as you walk away....
How do you explain to the doctor the grief that sounds like it is 'such a ittle thing'?... when for you it isn't?
How do you cope when there is grief upon grief ... and then others you know nothing about... yet... but your body knows?
How do you sit with the essential existential loneliness of that grief - and not become burdened by others' grief over the same loss?
Why do you sit in the counsellor's room and talk simply and unemotionally about how the week has been - like your mouth is cut off from your heart?
Is it true that movement towards acceptance of the loss is possible? Is it true that movement itself is possible?
People leave, and others can't take their place - and it is just a reminder in my body of all the abandoments of forever.....
What to do when no amount of care is enough.... and the energy to do the things that could bring life... like swimming... is so lacking?
Sleep evades... heart aches.... composure is contained....
