New Year's Eve

4.30 pm, December 31, 2010

Another 7 and a 1/2 hours and a New Year will start.

 I am thankful this year for:
 - The opportunity to particpate in the drawing class.
 - My skilled therapist and the work we have done.
 - My time at the nuns.
 - My help, encouragement, comfort and fun of time with my friends and acquaintances.
 - The opportunity to hang out at the community shop and occasionally talk to and encourage others.
 - Meeting new friends.
 - Making some steps towards being more real with my family.
 - God's provision of the things that I have needed and even things I wanted.
 - My new rag quilt for the back on my couch, made by a friend for Christmas
 - That my mother is still with us.
 - The opportunity to play with and hold children and babies.
 - The little bit of work I have been able to do, on and off.
 - My encouraging Job Search Support Person.
 - The help of my Psychiatrist, and GP.
 - Some times of fun and laughter.
 - Receiving the No. 1 Ladies' Detective Agency Series on DVD for my birthday.
 - My new camera.
 - For people's kindness and care and inclusion (at times).

I could go on... but maybe you get the idea... of some of the good things that have come my way in 2010.

I am always glad for the year to pass ... in the hopes that the next one, just may be better... that I may feel better, and just be a bit contented... and less anxious.  I guess it would be helpful if I can learn to stay present to the moment... rather than skipping ahead in fear or anticipation.  Something to work on in 2011.

Christmas with family

I went to Geelong.

 We had Christmas together.

 There were some dramas

 It was very tiring

 But mostly okay...

 Now I am home...

 Thankful that I was able to find the energy to clean my house yesterday..
 And that a friend is coming to stay for a few days.. today.
 For the internet and friends...
 For time to cuddle a 3 week old baby yesterday.

 Trust you all had a good Christmas time...

5.50 am Wednesday

Mowing

10.40 Thursday morning

Spring and a wet start to summer has the grass growing very fast... and me getting stressed about how to mow it.  I hear the melodious sounds of a motor mower going around the lawn right now... the son of a friend is doing it for half of what I usually pay.

 But there is a longer term solution to the cost.  A friend has bought me a non motorised push mower for Christmas on Ebay... so I can keep the grass under control (when it isn't spring).  I've just gone on a 2 hour round trip to pick up the mower, and gave it a little test run.  It seems okay. So that means exercise and saving some money... Yay... I think!

 Have a little shopping to do today, and then to get ready for my trip to Geelong tomorrow to see the family over Christmas. 

 I am VERY thankful for generous friends ...
 For the reminder again yesterday that Christmas is about Jesus... not the things I stress about.
 For a washing machine!
 For somewhat warmer days.
 And for my new boarder who will be coming in February....

New house mate

I got news yesterday that I have a new house mate to move in in early February.  Yay!

 Have a difficult appointment ahead of me today... hope it goes okay...

The sun is shining... and it is going to be warmer...

 Hope for two loads of washing today...

 Struggling to find things to write about that I'm thankful for today... although I know I am.
Oh, yes... the house mate!

Winter in summer

2.30 pm Monday afternoon.

 Record rain fall in Melbourne in the past 24 hours and there is still some falling here.

 It is good news for the dams.

 I got a Christmas present today... and a couple of cards... maybe Christmas is okay after all...

 And someone took me out for lunch, and another friend is coming for afternoon tea.

 I'm thankful for friends
 For Christmas
 For babushka dolls
 For my blankie and heat pack
 For the peace and quiet of my home, for the next month.. just trust there is someone to move in then.

Stars in a dark sky

5.00 pm Sunday

What a special time at church today...  Pastor spoke about Christmas being difficult for many people.. He talked about the star in the night sky, but it was a night sky.  My friend who lost her husband in March, lit the Advent candle to represent all those who are grieving and suffering at this time.

 Then there were star shaped notelets on tables up the front.  We were invited to come up and write the names of people for whom Christmas is hard, on the stars, and stick them on the sky that was left across the front of the church from the children's program a few weeks ago.  It was very moving.

 And Australia won the cricket match today... so hopefully they can do it again after the Christmas, when they play again...  I didn't even get to see the cricket as I went to lunch with a friend, and when I came home, it was all over... a day and a half before the time was up.

 I'm thankful for friends,
 and for the reminder today that Christmas is about Jesus... and I only need to do what I can do with family and friends.

Snowy

Done in time for Christmas...

 But probably not time to get it framed.

Thinking about work

I saw my Job Search case manager today.

 I asked her to find out for me what I need to do to activate my Grad Dip Ed.  I have learned that I wouldn't last in an office job, even though I could do one... and have been reminded in the past 6 months, that teaching is what I really like to do... that and mentoring, or pastoral care.

Once we find out what I need to do, I will see about putting my resume in with the Christian Schools in the district and see if they want anyone to teach Religious or Biblical Studies part time.  I don't know if I'm ready to go back to work yet... but I think this is a more realistic track for long term sustainable employment, than anything else.  I could give my info to Tabor and the Bible College too as being available for tutoring.

 At least I'm thinking about work... even though the past 3 months have been really difficult, with one thing and another.

 Still no definite news on another boarder....

 Have also asked my Job Search Lady to see what is involved in putting my name down for public housing.  It is a pain to have to share, sometimes, and to change the house share arrangement every year or two.

 Thankful today that my drawing is coming along...
 For friends....

Drawing

1.00 pm Monday 

I have started my next charcoal portrait... a Christmas present for a friend... if it turns out!

 I'm thankful for the sunshine today
 For good friends
 For Christmas music
 For enough hope for just now...

 The question is... how to show restraint, with chocolate and bikkies over the next 4 weeks!
 Especially as I'm not doing Curves now.

 updated 8.00 pm Monday...

Christmas party

My lovely small group (which I don't actually attend now) included me in their lovely Christmas lunch today... AND gave me a lovely hamper of goodies too.

 Now I'm full... no dinner tonight.

 Not doing so well the past few days...

 Thankful for friends.

 6.00 pm Saturday

....................

6.40 pm, Friday...

 For my computer and the internet.
 For my music.
 For the promise of drawing.

Mower people

I am thankful for the mower people - who have come to make some order out of my overgrown back yard.
 That is looks like a new boarder for next year has turned up.
 For a bit of sunshine today.
 For the library bookclub that I attended this morning... even took some books out... maybe I will read them.
 For zucchini slice and salad at the op shop for lunch.
 For good friends.
 For drawing.
 That sometimes there is enough hope for another day.

 1.20 pm Thursday afternoon

Drawing class Dec 8, 2010

 Memories of Madagascar.

 What you can do with a Coke can.

In class today, we also learned some more things about stencilling... so watch this space.  I really like that technique and our tutor gave us some good ideas.

I'm thankful for umbrellas
 The radio
 Lunch out with a friend
Electricity

Smarties... again...

Monday 2.10 pm

It's been a while and some difficult waters.

 Some of the issues at hand have been settled a little.
 My house share person is moving out at the end of the month... Raises all sorts of questions about what to do.  I've actually had too many other things on my mind to worry about that one too much.  I won't mind being here by myself for a couple of weeks.. but it isn't sustainable financially long term.

 Smarties need to be eaten two at a time... the coating sucked and broken off with the teeth and then the partly melted chocolate inside enjoyed!

 I have my last drawing class for the year tomorrow... then lunch out with a good friend.

 Rain is coming again... that's good as I haven't watered my plants this week, and it's been quite hot.

The message for today is that God has it all sorted... like he did for Mary, when she asked the angel... "How can this be...".

Windy Gippsland

12.20 Tuesday afternoon

I arrived safely yesterday and had a lovely relaxing evening watching DVDs.

My friend has gone out to TAFE, and I hope she is home soon.

There is a lovely gentle big dog here, to keep me company this morning.

And yes, it is windy - but not really cold... and I had a good sleep.. without too many disturbing dreams.

We are going to go for a drive tomorrow and do some retail therapy, as well as celebrate my friend finishing her course.  Good fun, hey...

A little holiday

10.30 Monday morning.

Instead of the nuns... I am going on a little holiday to visit a friend. I will go today and come back home on Thursday afternoon.

It will be okay...

We will talk, go for a drive, watch DVDs, relax, read, any maybe even pray.

I am thankful my car is fixed.

Thankful...

2.15 pm Friday afternoon

I was going to go to the nuns next week for the week, but am not now...

 I am going to visit a friend in the countryside instead.. we will celebrate her finishing her TAFE course and do some fun stuff, rather than introspection.

 I trust it will be a rest for me.

 I am thankful
For fans in warm humid weather.
 For rain to water my garden.
 For people who have confidence in me and my ability to continue on this journey.
 That God knows,... even though, I don't!

Light and fire

No other words

 Just now...

Dinner

5.15 pm Friday...

 So, I should eat some vegetables today...

 I want to see my counsellor again early next week... but I wasn't doing that anymore... It is once a week now.

 Sunshiny days don't always bring sunshiny feelings...

 I have a canvas I could prepare for my next painting - I have some ideas...

 Just DO it 'Hope'!

Sleep sometimes helps... sometimes it doesn't..

 What about the weeds... what about cleaning my room... what about the vacuuming.

 What do I know about comforting me...

Awake!!

It has been a wakeful morning - from 3.00...

Now it is 6.00 am.

 Somehow the tension of the week - the difficulties on Monday and Tuesday and a full day yesterday caught up with me.

 I am thinking about seeing my therapist today... will I find any words... I guess some how there are always some.

 Some American friends on Facebook were talking about Thanksgiving...

 I commented that there are always things to be thankful for... even on the darkest days.

 I am thankful for the birdsong in the early morning.
 For my God candle.
 For friends.
 For my gifted therapist.
 For the promise of sunshine today.

 I am NOT thankful for spring allergies!!!

The box and doona cover

 Here is the box and below is the doona cover.  The second doona cover is the photo I showed you a couple of months ago.

 By the way ... the car has been going okay today...

 And I am feeling more settled after a stressful couple of days.

 I am having a break from working this week...

 I know it doesn't make sense, when the money would be useful... but I was in such a mess the  past couple of days - that I wanted a more relaxing day today.

Drawing class Nov 16, 2010

I did something different today - more in the abstract line.

 These are the colours of my doona covers and the box I painted that is in my bedroom...

 The star and flower come from that box too.

 Thanks to my friend too, for the camera for Christmas - so I could take this photo - albeit - a crooked one... Did you know there is no word for crooked in Malagasy!

Choices

4.15 Monday afternoon...

 Why can't we think of options and choices at the time...

 I could have come home with Betty's car yesterday afternoon at 5.00 - but had it in my mind that I HAD to get Betty's car back to her garage yesterday, because I wouldn't have time (or energy) to do it today.  And I didn't want to park it on the nature strip (which was the only option aside from the yellow flowers).

 I could have walked most of the way home around the Lake... it didn't even cross my mind.

 I could have caught a bus.

 Maybe there is someone else I could have rung, if I had checked through my contacts in my phone....

 My brain just wouldn't engage - or get out of its rut... my friend says there is a physiological reason for this, when we are stressed.

 And I didn't get to work today........

 And the lawns are being mowed tomorrow..... (so the income would have been helpful)

 I did get to the Friendship Group though - ..... their afternoon tea was nice.

Wretched car!

8.35 Tuesday morning...

 No, I still don't have the car back...

 Hoped to get it last night... Waited at Betty's for 2 1/2 hours sitting in her car - for the mechanic to ring and say he was coming...

 Was quite distressed, when I was able to get a friend to come and rescue me.
 
 I didn't want to bring Betty's car back here, because I have nowhere to park it except under the tree with the yellow flowers - that fall off and cover it.

 Just rang the mechanic...  He said he is coming soon.....

 I hope so......

Odd jobs

5.30 pm Saturday afternoon.

 - soft gentle rain..., with breaks...
 - the radio today ...  (with my 'old people's music')
 - that I don't have to do all the jobs I set myself right away...
 - that the landlord came and fixed up some things today
 - that a friend is coming to stay until tomorrow...
 - that I was able to get a new camera to replace mine that wasn't working...
 - being able to go out for dinner (I think we will do that).
 - that New Tricks is on TV tonight.
 - that I have a car to borrow until mine is fixed by Monday - it was the car computer.
 - for my God candle

study in red

11.00 am Saturday morning.

Was thinking about all those black faces pressed up against the car window, while we were playing inside the car and mum and dad were in church.

 That was the inspiration for this painting.

No words today

Nothing to say today...

 Or is there...

 A mother's grief for a sick and dying child - as she waits for Jesus to come...

 She waits, the child dies - I feel like that mother as I watch over my own sick child (hopefully not dying!)

 I am waiting....

5.00 pm Thursday

Allergies

7.00 pm Monday.

 A clear day today - lawn mowers going left and right.

 The sneezes have started - right on cue - the middle of November.  At least the itchiness hasn't taken hold yet.  Will need to get something to ease it, when that happens.

 A hot cup of tea..
 Fresh sheets on the bed..

 The car is going in for the work on the computer on Wednesday afternoon - hopefully it will be finished by Friday afternoon...

 Tired tonight ...
 Work tomorrow for at least a couple of hours...
 At least I did Curves this morning...

 How does our 'beyond gender' God express Himself as Mother???  To you???

Thunderstorms

5.00 pm Sunday.

 Severe weather/thunderstorms are forecast for Melbourne and the surrounding districts.
 The sky is getting darker and darker...
 The wind has died down for the moment...

 And Australia has just bowled Sri Lanka out in the one day cricket - which is a good thing!

  Darkness looms so often....

Thankful..

For freshly mown lawns (that I didn't have to do myself)
For a hot chocolate and piece of slice this morning after a tough time with the counsellor
For Sarah Groves music (and Tony O'Conner)
That I was able to work on my painting, using my you beaut easel.
For spring
That God knows what he is doing... even though it is a mystery to me.

5.00 pm Friday

Rain, music and candles

6.00 pm, on Wednesday.

 Even worked a couple of hours today...
 Drawing class... started a painting.
 Cups of tea...
 Music...
 Candle...
 Hot water bottle...
 Soft soaking rain
 
Reflective prayer service tonight - communion... I will show up... Will God????????

 Hmmmmmmmmmmm

Rain and heat packs

Sunday afternoon

Sad today --

 Not really coping with regular work - at least not this week.. :-(.

 Car back with me, but still not fixed - will have to take the computer out and send it away for testing - guess it will be back to walking and public transport for a few days, when I have to take it in.

 heat pack, hot water bottle, candle, music, computer and going to a friend's for lunch.

 More tears today ...................

Car trouble

The car is back at the mechanic today - because of the orange warning light of the past couple of weeks.

Talked to the mechanic and he said it could be one of three very expensive things... so he is going to check out the wreckers tomorrow morning - and hope he can find out which one it is - and get it cheaper.
 
I really hope he can.........................

 Guess I'll know by tomorrow afternoon - and cope with whatever it is then...

study in blue

This was playing around with something different - some masks and heads and I threw in a mobile phone - just to be different.

 I like the blue.

Latest picture

The pictures of the other two ladies, and this one came from the same photo - I was standing behind them with my arms around their shoulders - hence the slightly hunched over look.

 Really struggling to get the mouths right - so I added 'lipstick' to this one - sprayed it with fixative before I went back and worked on it some more.  All part of the learning.

Wednesday

5.25 Wednesday afternoon.

 Thankful:
 - that I feel a little more settled today
 - for fly spray to kill blow flies that haunt the door to come in with you
 - for drawing class - photo to follow eventually - once I get batteries for my camera.
 - for my young mum friend and her kids - who welcome me and let me play with them....

 for candles and music.....................

 .......................................

The internet

8.30 pm. Sunday

I can see how people become addicted to the internet.

 I belong to a depression support site - and have kept checking it today - to see what people are saying...

Is there anything comforting for me????

And it wasn't much - chat was used a lot... I'm not brave enough to venture into chat anymore - I used to.

 Endless hot drinks today as well ...

 My friend left at midday - we had good talks sitting in the sun. Sweet....

 Lots of chores this afternoon - in between the time on the computer.

Now..... what was my reasonable resolution about the gym? ... I need to remember, I always lose that one at night - but can often find it again by morning... I hope so.

 Candles burning.....  wordless prayers ..... for help .....

clearing

1.50, Saturday afternoon.

It rains.... and then it clears a bit... even with the promise of more rain ahead.

Candles of hope

A friend to stay

Pan flute music, soft and soothing

New resolutions - gym - to at least GET there!

Realistic expectations are a useful thing

Washing dried outside in the wind - smells delicious.

Today

10.20 pm Thursday...

Tears today.... are they supposed to be a gift????

 What do you do when the words disappear???

 Sleep will come.....

Spring dusk and daylight savings

8.00 pm, Tuesday

The sun has gone for today..
It will come back tomorrow..
 Life is a rhythm of cycles: days; seasons; lifetimes - births and deaths; upswing and downswing; hunger and satiation;

 Wish my days had more upswings than they do...

 Guess that is where trust comes in...

 Drawing, then work tomorrow - I am really glad there is a sleep first!

Thankful....

 - ability to do some work today.
 - music
 - washing machines
 - .......................

 7.10 Monday evening

Blankies and recliners

2.30 Sunday afternoon

It has been blankie weather - and hotties, and heat packs... snow on them there hills - and it is half way through spring.

 Thought the car was fixed after the work done on it of Friday afternoon... but the warning light is back on again.  Bummer.  So the part will need to be replaced... $$.  I need to drive it until later in the week though, but will ring the mechanic tomorrow and ask him to get the part in.

Am so appreciating the spring colour and flowers on trees, bushes and in gardens....

Found a frame for the picture of my mum yesterday - might enter it in the local show - just for fun!  Now that is a novel thought.  Need to decide this week.

 Thankful for roofs, walls, windows, and God's canopy today.

Delayed reactions

Had a very welcome visit to my therapist this morning after a disturbed and distressing night.

We came to the conclusion that my distress yesterday and overnight was a delayed reaction from seeing Uncle J on Tuesday afternoon....  It takes a while for my body and feelings to find themselves.

 We talked it through - and I feel more settled today - this afternoon.

 Meanwhile - I took my car to the mechanic and he still has it ... It is 4.00 pm on Friday afternoon....

He didn't know if he would be able to get the part today - Does he work tomorrow?  I don't know.

It will be a challenge to cope with the weekend without a car - and makes the plans for early next week difficult too......  Trust...... hey???

It has been raining since early morning today - steady misty rain that has turned quite cold this afternoon.  It is okay though - sort of snuggly.

Thanks for a gifted, trusted therapist....
For shelter in the rain.
That all the miners and rescuers got out in Chili.
For the fact that distress doesn't last forever.

Rain and hail

Sometimes the rain and hail are on the inside...

Sore shoulder xrayed and ultrasounded today. Results next week.

Struggling from early this morning today......

Not clear why????

Discovered problems with the car this afternoon...

Bummer...

 At least I found frames for the two pictures of my friends.  My art teacher will cut the matt board and frame them for me.

Memories

9.20 pm, Tuesday.

 Saw Uncle J today - he and his wife were colleagues of my parents in Kenya - he is 83 and jogs 4 days a week - just not this week as his knee has siezed up a bit from being cramped in the plane on his flight from South Africa last week.

 Don't know what I expected - he looks older, but easily recognisable - we went out for coffee and a walk around some gardens before going back to his hosts' place for a cuppa.  - He asked about mum, about the siblings and their families, about my time in Madagascar... but nothing about the past 8 years ... no mention of what work I am doing... if any  ....

 What did I hope for... my counsellor said he 'might' be able to shed some light on what our family looked like to someone outside - whether the abuse that was happening to me was evident - I couldn't ask the question - so we remembered shared family holiday times, shared school experiences with his kids (his youngest is my age).

 I am tired now - restless and a little discouraged....

Thankful....

Thankful for....

 Safe travel on the weekend to Geelong and back
 Seeing my 8 year old nephew play the drums in the Junior Brass Band at a concert on Sunday.
 Friends......
 Level 2 water restrictions - so I could wash my car
 The computer and internet...
 A comfy bed, warm doona and heat pack (even though it is warm enough that I don't really need it tonight)


8.45 on Monday night.

Nothing

Not much to say tonight...

 Gym, counsellor, doctor about my sore shoulder, op shop, shopping, washing on line, friend's for DVD, home, computer, TV.... hopefully bed and sleep!

 ..............................

My friend comes back from Kenya tomorrow morning... that is one thing to be thankful for.

Roads

This picture always intrigues me everytime I look at it - in a fascinating disturbing sort of way....

 A long, long, road...

 Maybe it is the emptiness of it that disturbs me...

 There is so much in my life...

 But there are vacant empty stretches of road as well....

 They hurt....

 They hurt just now.... I made my own cup of tea .....

 I hope sleep is okay tonight --- it wasn't last night.

10.10 Wednesday night

Headache

I had a headache yesterday afternoon - it was a bad one, by night time....  My eternal sympathies to people who get migraines a lot!!!  I don't know how you survive. 

 It is 3.15 on Tuesday afternoon here - I'm going to try and write the time and day each time I post... as this program is set on some time in the US and I don't know how to change it.

 I feel really tired this afternoon - worked hard with the counsellor yesterday - on stuff I thought we were done with - but it 'came up'.... unexpectedly... 

 Then I went to work for a couple of hours - and sorted through files for a couple of hours... maybe that caused the headache.

 I know there are things I could be thankful for .... but just now ... all I want is a hug ... and someone to make me a cup of tea...

 The sun is shining now --- that is one nice thing.

So you get to see another drawing

I guess art - is something you want to share - and not many people come to my house - so I can share it this way.

 I survived the change to daylight savings time!  Wasn't late for church.... like some! :-).

 Went to visit a good friend again today - beautiful spring weather again.  Got caught in some of the post Grand Final mayhem on the way to the other side of town....

 Plan to do a couple hours of work tomorrow - along with seeing my counsellor in the morning... and going to the gym before that!!

That's the plan...............

 Now, drinking green tea and eating a chocolate chip biscuit.

Candles

I reckon I need a candle tonight - Saturdays can be long days - even though I had some interaction with friends.

 Have done another portrait over the past 24 hours and wasn't ready to start a new picture...

 Not much on TV expect Football and Racing....

 Sometimes the waves splash --- and you get wet.



 Thankful for a sunny spring day.
 For hot chocolate and bikkies.
 For friends...
 For my computer....
 For left overs for tea...

Charcoal drawing

 Here is the latest charcoal portrait I have done - together with the photo I worked from.
 
 It is only A3 paper instead of the A1 I used when I did mum's picture - but it will be easier to frame and give to my friend.

 I did it on Sunday afternoon... then yesterday I went and saw the European Masters at the National Gallery.  It was amazing to see the work of Renoir, Van Gogh, and Monet - in the flesh so to speak.

 I was more aware of colour and light and shade - and knowing where the light source is - so that it is consistent in the picture.

I'd like to be brave enough to try again with the pastels - I hope we do some more work with them in the next term of drawing class.

 I am feeling a lot more settled today.  Just spent 2 hours with a dear friend and her 4 and 1 year old.  It is so lovely to spend some time playing with and interacting with the littlies - especially as the boy was into a few cuddles today - which he often isn't.

Thankful for friends of all ages..
 For the community shop which made a lovely pumpkin and carrot soup today.
 For learning how to draw...
 For my counsellor and those who have facilitated my visits to her.
 For a safe trip to see my family on the weekend.

Tuesday

I think the storm of the weekend has eased somewhat. I find I am still easily tired...but got to work for a couple of hours today.

A friend and I are going into the Art Gallery tomorrow to see a special exhibition of European Masters.  At least I know there are places there to sit down.

My boarder is away for a couple of weeks, so the house is very quiet...

 That's all for today...

New drawing

I did another charcoal portrait this afternoon - only A3 size instead of A1.  Picture to follow.

 Wracking, desparate grief remains a reality tonight....

 One moment at a time..... hey?
 

safe travel

Had safe travel to and from seeing mum today ... and the sisters....

 Didn't watch the footy..... I was asleep!

 I am here..... at least.....

Grief

I have been here! I have fed the giraffe.  Here is my good friend visiting Kenya feeding the giraffe.

 So much grief about so many things...

 Lots of tears today.....

 Have a candle burning.............

Awake!

I am awake - have been for an hour and a half. It is 5.30 on Friday morning here

Bad dreams, again.....

Don't feel good today .....

 The plaque on my wall says in Malagasy, blessed are the merciful, for they will be shown mercy....

 I could do with some...  Guess have to trust that it is around and happening.

Sunshine = work

The clouds lifted this afternoon and the sun shone through --- that must have been the motivating factor for me to vacuum and mop and clean the bathrooms!!! Sunstroke or something like that!

Worked for a couple of hours this morning - on filing stuff for the business rather than the website - 2 hours of sorting through 3 months invoices, internet banking forms and bank statements turned my brain to mush. I should get it up to date next week.

Thanks
- that I am able to do a little work
- for the sunshine and the promise of more tomorrow
- for candles - to remind me of hope
- for friends and hugs
- for my medication - that helps me get through the night

Kindness

I got a flat tyre on Monday afternoon - no apparent reason - but most inconvenient. I like to be independent about these things -and got all organised to put the spare on - but couldn't get the wheel nuts undone.

I ended up ringing my mechanic and he was able to come and change the tyre for me --- I'd been turning the nuts the wrong way..... ding dong!!! Haven't I changed tyres enough time in Madagascar for it to work! The mechanic took the tyre away.

I went to see what the news was yesterday - and it was leaking air around the rim. He rang his usual tyre repair people and I took the tyre down to them - and asked them to put a tube in it - as this has happened a few times before.

I was concerned about how this was going to affect my budget!!! Which is at a bit of a low ebb just now.

When I went back to get the tyre - the man put it in the back of the car and I asked him what I owed. He said.... It'll be right --- so didn't charge me ANYTHING! I couldn't believe it. Many blessings are wished upon his head.

So two kind people.... that I don't even know real well.
Thank you......

Thankful...

I am thankful
- for hot chocolate
- for friends
- for the No. 1 Ladies' Detective Agency on DVD and someone to watch an episode with
-

There are so many other things that I'm grateful for -- but some things that I'm not. The road towards better health is so challenging and twisty and turny. How can I live the hard hours better?

How can I make better choices - about a whole range of things - from food, to exercise, to helpful thoughts rather than unhelpful ones, to drawing or not drawing, to working or not working, to being grateful or being ungrateful.

I read recently that although we use the saying to see the glass half full or half empty. --- even if it is half full ---- it is still half empty - and that needs to be accepted and processed.

Pensive thoughts tonight.....................................

Internet support

There is a tempting lure to look to the internet for encouragement and support - through forums, chat rooms and Facebook.

I am often reminded that this is a false hope - nothing replaces people - via phone, text, or in person -.

The balloons are looking sadder and sadder - a visual indication of my mood.

Would it have helped if I had started a drawing today? Couldn't manage it somehow.

Thanks for
- afternoon sleeps
- birthday cake
- cups of tea
- a car and fuel to put in it
- .................................

Sometimes Hope is elusive.....................

Bedroom linen

One of the things I decided a couple of years ago - was that I could have bed linen that I like - rather than someone else's left overs. I was working then and went out and bought this King Single bed and bed side chest of drawers.

A dear friend bought me some lovely linen for my birthday that year - a doona (quilt) cover in green and maroon strips and maroon sheets.

I have been thinking about getting another doona cover to match rather than the mis match one I had - so this year a dear friend (another one) gave me some money to buy this doona cover and another sheet as a second set.

I like it!

Collapsed helium

Came home this afternoon - and my helium balloons which were so bouyant yesterday where scraping on the floor... something like my energy from the high of yesterday morning...

A bit scared to go to bed tonight - don't like the dreams much...

Got a bit to talk to the counsellor about tomorrow ... I think it will be hard work.

Can I actually make it to the gym in the morning - and actually do 3 times this week (there is always Saturday morning as an option!!! :-)

The cake was... is delicious and the frosting too.... Thanks sister.....

I learned at the managing people with dementia forum last night that we all need respect - we are more than our diagnosis.... I am more than my depression and anxiety......

I can draw
I can teach
I can pray
I can read
I can drink coffee with friends
I can cook an occasional meal
I can go to Curves
I can choose not to hurt myself
I can wake up and get up
I can laugh
I can listen
I can love
I can play with children
I can choose... not to do something.
I can choose not to stand up in church when people are singing.
I can choose whether to go to church or not.
I can make friends
I can light candles and think about hope

......................

Today

It's my birthday today --- and I want to CELEBRATE! Will even go and get some helium balloons. It isn't a BIG '0' but I am finding I get energy from doing the drawing -

Seeing the sisters later today and we will get the traditional family birthday cake. A large chocolate chip chiffon cake with American beaten frosting. Then we are attending a forum on how to support and care for someone with dementia - my mum has some cognitive issues which can make things difficult for my sister especially who is her closest carer. Although mum is in care.

On the way to meet the sisters - I plan to stop in at a big art supply store and see about getting some more paper and maybe some soft white pastel to help with contrast in my charcoal drawings. I need some more special paper to put over and between them too - so the charcoal doesn't smudge.

I did a little work for a friend yesterday and it was REALLY nice to receive a little bit of pay - something is paying off --- all the hard work of the past 8 years, and especially the past year.

And my washing got dry yesterday - I have a lovely new doona cover set and cotton sheet as a birthday present. I like them VERY much.

I like drawing!

My artist friend assures me it isn't finished yet and that I need to 'turn it to the wall' for a week or more and then come back to it - but I want to show people - so you get a looked at the 'rough' one.

I started working on it on Sunday afternoon. It is another portrait done with a grid.

Sunshine today!!! Wonderful

Drawing

Came home from J's about 1.00 - was wondering how I could spend the afternoon.

Unstructured days are a challenge.

I decided to start my next charcoal portrait drawing - it is from a photo of mum taken a couple of years ago. I have done about a third and amazingly enough - it looks like her - I have found I get joy out of doing these portraits grid by grid, square by square. Maybe it can be a way I can look at my own journey to being more whole --- grid by grid, square by square - and when I look at the square through the viewfinder, I can't see what the picture is - just lines and shadows and light.....
Hmmmmmmm.......

Is there really a picture that makes sense after all??? When I'll be able to stand back from it and see the lines and light and shadows in context as a whole?

Thanks for friends, for charcoal and erasers, for hot drinks, for my medication, and for sleep --- even if the dreams aren't often much fun.

Birdsong

One thing about being awake quite early - is that I can hear the birds singing.

I often think about the fact that not a sparrow falls to the ground without the Lord being aware - and He said I am more valuable to Him than sparrows.... Does that mean that He really cares about how I feel? Hmmmmmmm...... What difference does that make?

I could go looking for some suitable paper for my next drawing... have MT with a friend at 10.30 and then off to J's...

Talked to my new friend on the phone last night - she said she would like to meet up regularly. I would like that....

New Friends

Had morning tea with a new friend today... nice time of sharing stories ... with the enjoyment of interruptions from her delightful 4 year old son.

Then lunch with a dear friend, 85 years, to celebrate her husband's birthday - he died in March.

Afternoon tea and banana muffins with another friend, and an episode of Little House on the Praire... :-).

I am thankful for those things and
- for heating - where has spring gone???
- for candles - couldn't light it yesterday - but a bit more hope today.
- that I'm going to spend the weekend with J on the other side of Melbourne.
- that I did make it to Curves 2 times this week, even with the fall - could even go tomorrow morning and make it 3.

Maybe the Geelong Cats will even win the football tonight!

No afternoon sleep today - so I think it will be an early night.

Thursday

Didn't end up doing any drawing yesterday - someone had found a frame in an op shop big enough for my picture ... and framed it.

Not much helps just now....

Curves today

So, I made it to the gym this morning and then was only on about the 5th machine when I caught my pants on the side of the machine and fell full length on the floor - fortunately not hitting my head on the next machine.

I got up and went on with my workout - but was battling tears on each 'recovery board' and when I was doing the stretches at the end - I got through it though...... I rang my friend and neighbour when I went out to the car and was really crying and she said to come and have a cup of tea and we talked it through --- and the other things that were causing the tears triggered by the fall.

Then I went to the nun's monthly morning tea for an hour ...
Went and did some website work for a friend for a couple of hours....
Then came home for a sleep...

I am in a bit of a mess tonight ---- will go to bed early --- drawing class tomorrow.

Thankful.....

Milo.....

Afternoon sleep...

Mobile phones.....

Chocolate.....

..................

............. still miserable.......

Rain

There has been some - lots in some areas....

I always think about the people who are elderly or suffer mental illness when there are disasters like this. Life is hard enough for them/us just with normal things.

I am thankful for candles...

That I'm seeing my counsellor tomorrow morning.

Church was okay this morning.

Got the boards as backing for my drawings this afternoon

Early morning

The alarm at 3.40 this morning was a bit of a shock - but I'm really glad I was able to go with my friend to see her off. Her daughter drove and handled the parking and stuff - so that was a special bonus.

I feel sad tonight....

Have a candle lit - to remind me there is hope :-).

Had a sleep this arvo - but expect it will still be an early night.

Need to remember that I don't have to do tomorrow, right now....

Might go and get the boards for my art work tomorrow - I can get them at Bunnings - they are open on Sunday - sort of would like to get to church first!

No more sweet things in the cupboard --- too bad.

Friday

Sometimes even when some positive things have occured during the week - and some hints of sparkle in some revelations --- it doesn't mean it is easy to come up with things to be thankful for when I get to the end of the day.

A dear friend is going O/S for 5 weeks tomorrow - I know it will be okay, but I will miss her.

Gives me an opportunity to draw on and broaden the others in my friendship and support network.

I am thankful for them -

I have reluctantly turned my picture to the wall for a few days (week?) at the suggestion of an artist friend - so that I can come back to it with fresh eyes and 'finish it off'. I need to get a couple of boards to make a 'folio' for my work, and some special paper to put between the pieces so they don't smudge, and some big bull clips to hold it all together. Maybe I will just clip the pictures to boards and prop them up all around the house - I like looking at them!

Weary inside tonight.....

Thankful for my new bright doona cover (a birthday present) - even washed and dried today so I could put it on the bed already.

Drawing class sept 1, 2010

It's not so hard - when working from a grid...

Hope at 6 years - maybe 1st day at school....

Not too bad for a morning's work.

I enjoy working with charcoal...

Might do another portrait next week.

Final week next week.

I enjoyed doing this!

Even got me motivated to cook up about 6 meals this afternoon for the freezer.

If you get this via email - click on the website link down the bottom of the email and you will see the picture.

Got to the airport

Was able to go and meet my previous colleague at the airport this morning - some other friends from near here were going and I was able to get a lift with them, which made it a much more 'doable' thing.

Where was the 17 degrees they promised us today?

Spring blossom is marvellous.

Have a reflective service at church tonight - glad I had a sleep this afternoon - so should be fine for an 8.00 pm start. It'll be nice.

Today

Worked hard with the counsellor today....

Feeling very drained...

Even after a sleep...

Can I make it to the airport tomorrow morning to meet my friend from Madagascar????

I want to.

Need a hug

Friends Rock!

I just posted this as my Facebook status - and am sitting here thinking about a number of my good friends and how much they encourage me. I am very blessed.

Thanks for
J to have lunch with today - and some laughs.
D who gave me a cup of coffee (well 2 actually) and we were able to have a good talk.
C who shared a cup of tea with me yesterday morning.
J and J at the community shop for their care and encouragement when I go there for a cuppa or lunch.
J for being such a gifted and skilled counsellor.

And yes I did survive the visit to the psychiatrist earlier in the week - and as I think about it - have some ideas of things I can take to our next session in October - that may help us to work together better - or at least for him to understand me better.

I am also thankful that the sun is coming out after a week of cold and wet - and we are going to have a 'heat wave' in the next 3 days - predicted to even hit 19 degrees C. Might even get my sheets washed and dried ... outside.

I am thankful for the washing machine - J (at lunch) was telling me about a project she did at school called 'The Life of a Drop'! Lots of drops are being used in the machine today.

And I like candles, hot water bottles, blankies, soft socks, music - and looking at my picture of the kangaroo.

Cooking

I even cooked pasta and meat sauce this afternoon - ended up enough for 6 meals - would be helpful to get some chicken and do an alternative dish - or I may never want to eat Spag Bol again after this week!!!

Thankful for
- meat to cook with
- spring next week
- the beautiful blossom
- safety on the roads
- good friends

Are these gratitude lists - supposed to help me feel better?

I guess they are a good reminder that fan the tiny spark of hope ...

Now I just have to finish doing the dishes and lock the door so the baddies don't get in... now that it is dark.

Take care all

Kangaroo or wallaby???

Finished this off today at Drawing Class. He looks like a kangaroo with attitude. I copied him out of a magazine.

Enjoy

Winter's day

Winter's days are nearly over - it has been a cold, wet winter... the 'wet' has been good - we may even be allowed to wash our cars with buckets next week as water restrictions will be eased. But do I want to?

Finished (almost) my painting of a kangaroo today at Drawing Class, hope to be able to post a photo soon. Will work on a portrait for the last couple of weeks, using a grid.

Thankful for
- chocolate
- drawing class
- hot drinks
- heating
- ...............

Long day

It is only Monday and in some ways I feel like all the benefits of last week have gone already...

I am 'back home' and things haven't 'gone away'.

See the psychiatrist tomorrow - always makes me anxious ... irrational, I know, as he is there to help me - and I don't have to 'make him happy'.

Thankful.....
the sun shone today
an afternoon sleep
fruit muffins baked by a friend
coffee with a friend - even if it was rushed...
.........

I feel 'sick' today...

Home again

I had my week at the nuns. It was a focus week on Finding your own happiness and we looked at the things that we find difficult in our lives and then thought about the good things that can come out of those difficult things. I found it a very emotional week and was really struggled in the Tuesday and Wednesday, with a lot of tears (in the privacy of my room) - but things started to come together on Thursday and by Thursday night, I could write a long list of things that are 'Happiness Threads' in my life - even though I very rarely feel 'happy' or 'content'. Some of those threads are the things I write in my thankful list.

I continued to see my counsellor during the time I was there - which was helpful. I have recieved some generous financial help for the cost of those visits which will last the next 8 weeks. I trust that good work will be done during that time.

Have spent nice time with good friends the past two days since I got back - and we will see what tomorrow brings. Am planning to get to the gym in the morning - that will at least start the week off on the right foot.

I am thankful for
- a beneficial time at the nuns and the opportunity for that.
- for really special times with good friends yesterday and today.
- for my heat pack.
- for my 4 year old's birthday party the Saturday before I went away.
- for candles......

One of the things that was read to us over the week is that 'Happiness is not the destination... it is the journey...'

..................

I don't have anything to write at the moment....

See the counsellor tomorrow.....

Trust it will help......

Nuns next week.......

Timely.......

Early morning in Melbourne

It's early - I am awake.

Today I am thankful for mobile phones and text messaging.
For the education that taught me how to read and write.
For hearing that can hear the birds waking up.
For a cup of tea.
For candles.

Today is Tuesday - less than a week until I go to the nuns again. - I am anticipating that time as being significant.

Sunday challenges

Sundays seem to not be much fun for single people - I've heard that from a few. At least I had a friend to have lunch with today --- Thanks D. And for the new ironing board cover. Looks great.

Didn't get a sleep this afternoon.....
The sun has been shining - which has been very nice.
I even read a bit in my book ... reading remains a challenge because of poor concentration.
Sunday night TV is a bit of a challenge too.... not much on.
There is music I can listen too - could read more of my book...
Just as well I don't have to go to the gym now - hopefully there will be more motivation in the morning.

Guess there is some stuff I'm thankful in that lot!
Leave you to work it out tonight!

Chocolate

Sometimes only chocolate will do it... and you need it enough to even go out in the car to get some.

I am pleased with the new pair of shoes I bought today - hope the tax return comes soon.
It was good to spend some time with friends.
The sleep was essential too - too bad I feel yukky when I wake up!
I did have spag bol for tea (as well as the chocolate!)
I am thankful for the friends I have.

What is it about weekends????

Would someone make me a cup of tea now..... please?!

These shoes are made for walking!

The charcoal sketch of my shoe that I did last week - this week's stuff isn't worth showing.

At least you can tell it is a runner.

Thursday

I wouldn't say that drawing class yesterday produced any masterpieces! My sideways plastic container looked like a toaster to the two people I showed it to - so there are still some problems with getting depth perception! They did recognize the apple beside it though - even if they didn't recognize the biscuits in it. I did the same subject first in charcoal and then in ink. I would need to really practice with the ink to get the hang of it - I think I want to be finished with my drawings too quickly!

Watched Notting Hill with a friend yesterday afternoon - it is such a lovely film - and we had a good visit.

Am looking at my lawn and thinking about whether it needs a mow - and whose mower I can borrow, if the sun is shining on Saturday - although the ground is very wet. Which is a good thing.

Been to craft group today - didn't take any craft - just talked to some people, and ate sponge cake with passionfruit icing! Haven't had an afternoon sleep today - so I'm sure it will be an early night - but I did get to Curves (gym) this morning with Joy.

Thankful?
Warm clothes
Heat pack for my feet and soft woolie socks
My comfort shawl
Rent money (my pension)
Someone's gift to help me pay to see my therapist for 6 visits!

and.... I am off to the nuns again the week after next - they had a cancellation for their focus week on 'Finding your own Happiness' and offered me the place.!!!

Take care all.....

Friends!

I am thankful for friends. Things weren't going so well last Friday - and I rang my friend, who lives on the other side of the city, early on Saturday morning - she can cope with a 6.30 am phone call - she said "come", "come and stay" - so by 9.00 am I was at her place. It was an 'odd jobs' weekend for her so I watched her garden and cook and we talked and I slept and read, and her grandchildren came over (3 and 2 years old). Thank you J!!!

I came back home Monday morning -feeling like I have been looked after. That helped.

I am thankful for my skilled counsellor
And for my pastor
And for my friends in the community shop
And for my friends at the nuns - where I went for morning tea today.
And for delicious carrot cake at the nuns morning tea!!!

Hot water bottle

Now that is an essential part of my winter kit....
Not only warmth .... but comfort ....

Could do with some of that ...

Afternoon sleep

An afternoon sleep is not always a winner - well it feels like it will be - when you feel like you can't keep your eyes open and your body upright - but then..... you wake up, and discover that the yukky feeling you had when you went to sleep hasn't gone away - it just got worse!

Thankful for music (and a CD player next to the bed....)
Thankful for bread and honey.
Thankful for good friends who welcome me to watch an episode of The Last Detective with her.
Don't know if I'm thankful for my friend and my Curves trainer who pushed me to get to the gym this morning .... guess I don't have to win medals each time I go.

I can be okay... I can be okay ... I can be okay .... Just one minute at a time!
:-(

Not a windy wednesday

I wanted it to be a windy Wednesday today as I put 3 loads of washing on the line this morning before going out to drawing class. Flannelette sheets, towels, and my own washing! And it is due to rain this afternoon... late. I got home in time to get the washing off the line - and it is mostly dry so I now have it draped around various clothes horses and chairs to air and finish drying.

I had drawing class today - we had to take off a shoe and put it on the table and study it closely for 5 minutes, then put it away and draw it from memory with charcoal. I made up a fair bit of mine!!! Then we put the shoe there again and drew it from sight - I enjoyed doing that - I was wearing runners - so it was quite complicated - but did look like a runner in the end. Then we played around with some brushes and ink - using a still life as inspiration. We will do more ink next week.

I am thankful that most of the washing got dry (ish).
For drawing class and the encouraging ladies there (and one bloke).
For a delicious lunch out with a friend.
For making a couple of new friends over the internet - who 'get' the mental health stuff.
For my heat pack, warm socks that a friend gave me, and my blankie.

I am thankful for all my friends! I need you all so much ----

Interesting

I read the following on a prayer site I use ...

sacredspace.ie

What did Jesus mean when he urged self-denial? ‘Deny yourself and take up your cross daily.’ I used to think this meant looking for mortifications. Lord, you have taught me that my cross is myself, my ego, the pains in my body, my awkwardness, my mistakes. Hopkins put it starkly: I am gall, I am heartburn. God’s most deep decree Bitter would have me taste; my taste was me. To follow you is to move beyond ego-trips. It means coping with the business of life without trampling on others or making them suffer. There is a world here to be explored. To deny myself – to reach a point where my self is no longer the most important thing in the world; to be able to take a back seat comfortably; to be happy to listen; to accept without resentment the diminishments that come to me through time or circumstances; to see your hand, Lord, in both the bright and dark places of my life.

I was really struck especially by the last 2 sentiments. ..

It is a challenge to accept without resentment the diminishments that come to me through time or circumstances....

Thankful?

1. Hot yummy dinner cooked for me.
2. 5 litres of minestrone soup cooked.
3. Morning coffee with friends.

..................

Confusion and/or courage

Saw my counsellor this morning - she wants me to talk to all the parts of me and come to some sort of agreement that I won't hurt myself in the coming weeks, while we do some hard work.

Why is this so hard to do - of course it makes sense not to hurt yourself! Who would want to do that! ???

I am thankful for a skilled and insightful counsellor.
I am thankful that I have a good friend staying for the weekend - so we will even eat proper food.
I am thankful for a community shop that provides hot soup and a fresh roll for lunch for a reasonable cost.
I am thankful that I don't have to live tomorrow, today.
I am thankful that not going to the Curves gym this morning doesn't make me a bad person.

Just wish I didn't feel so anxious.

Five Things for Wednesday

It's been cold - that isn't something I am necessarily thankful for.

I am thankful for art class today - even if I don't think much of the charcoal drawing I did.
And for lunch out with a friend - and she paid - and the food was yummy.
An afternoon sleep - even if it wasn't as long as I would like.
That I actually got to the gym this morning, even though I didn't much feel like it, and it didn't matter that I didn't work as hard as I usually do.
Struggling with a fifth one today.... maybe that a box of smarties was on special for a dollar at the supermarket today... (so I bought 2, so I guess that means I didn't save any money)

need a hug....

don't suppose I'll get one of those if I go to MacDonalds for a drink and some company later.

Communication

We have landline phone, mobile phone, text messages, Email, Facebook, Twitter, On line forums.... I didn't have any of these things in my youth... Does it mean we communicate better now than we did then?

I noticed an interesting phenomona on Facebook this week... There were two status updates that mentioned snot... and they each receive about 15 comments. Then there were a couple other status updates talking about someone's difficulties - one with 3 boys under 4 who are very sick - and they merit 3 to 4 comments.

Do we not read the 'difficult' ones? Do we think that nothing we can say will make any difference? Is it because our humour isn't tweaked?

I am learning that I can't expect comfort from the internet, even though I'm on a depression support forum ... I have asked myself if it is because I write too cryptically when I am not feeling good - whether it is my fault, because I don't know how to express my need for support and comfort - or is it that we are overloaded with information about people that we miss seeing the people themselves?

People talk about a global community now - I think I liked a village one better. When everyone met at the water pump or well and exchanged news, (and gossip) as they waited for their turn to draw water. I think I liked it better when people noticed if someone didn't come out of their house in the morning and went and knocked on their door. I think I liked it better when everyone knew if someone was sad ... they mightn't all have been sympathetic, but I'm sure there were some who were. When there was appropriate rituals and words around grieving and time and support given for the process.

I was trying to explain to a Malagasy man one day (as I waited for my take away order of chips) that life wasn't necessarily better in Australia. I tried to tell him that loneliness is endemic and people don't know what it is like to be in community. He couldn't understand. He just assumed that having enough money would make everything alright.

The global community doesn't seem to be working for me...

Blue day...

5 Things...??

1. Hot pumpkin and vegetable soup for lunch with a roll and butter.
2. An afternoon sleep... eventually.
3. Safety on the road when driving....
4. Tears...
5. ............. Music ............

5 good things

I think I can do it...

1. A car that seems to be reliable.
2. Time playing with a 3 year old today - we played trains and I read him stories.
3. A hot water bottle and my blankies.
4. Cups of tea - or other hot drinks.
5. A washing machine.

That's all.....

Rules, rules and more rules

How do we know when a rule is helpful and when one is unhelpful. It seems I have a lot of internal rules - that have been laid down by 'others' and that most of them are pretty unhelpful to me now. It is really hard to identify them.

I know that helpful rules are road rules and society rules about not stealing or killing people - but what about not using the 'trolley and pram' larger toilet at a shopping centre? - Or the disability toilet (or change room) at other venues - even like at the swimming pool. How much does what I need/want matter?

Some people don't care - they just do whatever they want to do, and never think twice about it. If they are challenged they respond, often in anger... I certainly don't want to do that, although it would help me to feel my anger more often.

And then there are things that are part of my goals - like getting to the gym 3 mornings a week - Monday, Wednesday and Friday. Today I have the opportunity to go and stay with a friend on the other side of town tonight and it is Tuesday night - so it means I can't get to the gym tomorrow morning. How much does that matter? I find it very hard to get there later in the day.... but I guess tomorrow could be a first for that. Do I go and see my friend, or do I stay so I can go to the gym??? It seems so silly when written like that... Flexibility in goals and plans is a good thing.... I think!!

Mmmmmm .... I think I would like to go and see my friend.

Loneliness?

I have been thinking about loneliness this afternoon. On one of my other interactive websites, I often say that I am lonely. It is a bit strange, if I think about it, as I have a number of friends and even though I'm not working at the moment, my days are reasonably full.

But the feeling of being lonely persists. Is it connected to 'not belonging'? Is it part and parcel of the Missionary Kid package? The constant moving and saying goodbye. Is that why I can't really trust that my friends are not going to abandon me?

Yet for me, it is more than that. Somehow in the past 7-8 years since I returned from Madagascar, the dislike of my own company has surfaced (maybe it was always there!). I struggle to have the concentration to engage in meaningful activity at home, or the energy and motivation to do the household chores.

I am learning that I have significant 'attachment' issues that stem from a very young age - and I know I experience that lack of attachment as a lostness, a sense of being on an asteroid hurtling into space, far away from human life.

My therapists assure me that what I need to do is to learn to nurture myself - to self-comfort the frightened, lost and lonely me. I am trying to learn to do that - so I went to the nuns - so that I could have a model of what being nurtured is like.

At this stage, I can't imagine feeling differently about myself, or about the 'empty time' that all of us have....

Fragrance and Honey

I have just been reading about being a fragrance to those around us... and thinking about how some people just 'smell nice' - it has nothing to do with their perfume or whether they had garlic the night before... there is just something about them...

I want to be one of those...

This led me to think about a custom in Madagascar - Traditionally when a guest first visited someone's home, they would be blessed with honey or oil or both. Not mixed together and not anointed with the honey!!! But a taste of honey on the tongue and oil on the back of the hand. I know when I had that done to me... it made me feel special and welcomed.

What sort of traditions of welcome do we have in the west - and how do we show our fragrance through them????

Boarding school???

I was having cuddles with a delightful 6 year old girl the day before yesterday. She and her family were starting their trip back to Zambia yesterday and we were talking about school. I asked her if she had enjoyed school here in Australia - she had started preps. She said she did, but the thing she liked most was that she could come home every day.

When she goes back to Zambia she will be going to boarding school with her 3 older siblings - it's not SOOOOO far from where they live so they will go home for a day each weekend and then there is half term.... but it isn't the same. I know..... I've done the boarding school thing.

I went to boarding school when I was 10 - and because my family was so dysfunctional, in many ways it was a relief for me... but sometimes I wonder, if I had stayed at home and gone to day school, whether my mental health problems would have been dealt with sooner?? You can't go back and undo things, but my heart went out to this little girl and to her parents who are caught between what they believe is their calling, and the impact this has on their family.

She is a confident, outgoing, charismatic child and I'm sure she will make good friends and I trust she will have nurturing dorm parents - which is more than I had. She said she will write me emails - I will need to get her address from her oma, once the kids get back to school. She will be 8 when she returns to Australia next.

Mmmmmmm, it is all very difficult.

It is Wednesday already

Why is it that just when you turn the computer on and want to begin doing some work the VIRUS SCAN starts and puts everything in a holding pattern for 2 minutes for every action. It never did that with XP - goes to show there are some difficulties with Vista - although there are some things I like about it too.

I have seen some people I really like today and some of them were little people. Nearly 4, and 6. It reminded me I need to interact with little people more often than I do. Thing is, when I see them being whiny or screeching in shopping centres or cafes, I just want their parents to take them away.... far, far, far away - but somehow, when I have a connection with them it makes a difference.

I am sitting here with a shawl, a blankie and hot water bottle and the central heating is just beginning to make the house a bit warm - but then I'm going out shortly. It has been drizzling all morning - real winter weather.

Won't get a sleep this afternoon - or at least not til later. Going to visit a very lovely elderly lady who is nearly blind, has had one leg amputated (for sometime), and some chest complaints - but she is very warm and friendly and I'm looking forward to getting to know her and her story better.

Monday's musing

I am so tired tonight. Why is it that I am so hard on myself and push on..?. The sun was shining today and it wasn't so cold, so after seeing the counsellor this morning, and then the GP for a script and my sore shoulder... I went and visited two people then came home and turned the radio up and vacuumed the house - which was much needed. It is a good feeling to have that done...

I hate evenings...

Maybe one day I'll learn to be ok with my own company....

I am thankful today for skilled professionals
for good friends
for leftovers for my evening meal....

I guess calling myself Hope in this blog - is a reminder that it is possible....

Challenges

Got a call from my sister this morning to say that she had to take mum into Accident and Emergency again because she couldn't swallow.... again .... only been a week since last time. She has since had a gastroscopy and the stricture in her throat has been cleared again ... we REALLY don't need this to become a regular thing!

I am thankful for
Hot water bottles
Friends
Appropriate medication
Music
........................

Not so much 'hope' today.

Thursday has come and gone

I decided in the night that I didn't want to drive the 15-20 minutes to see my Job Search Consulatant today - she said we could meet 'on the phone' sometimes - so I took her up on that one. Will see her in 2 weeks.

Managed to get onto the windscreen guy and he came and did his magic so the chip is virtually invisible now - It wasn't too expensive either so I am thankful for that.

Did some work for our Children's Pastor helping get ready for Kids' Club running next week and then I went to the pool for a spa.

I was going to buy some meat and stuff today and cook something for the freezer - but didn't, then my boarder came home with her friend and they cooked up a big stirfry and invited me to have some and then some icecream too. They even brought it to me - while I sat on the couch with my feet up - that was SOOOOOO nice. A real gift for tonight.

Must go to the gym tomorrow morning - so glad I don't have to do it now!

I will sleep.... maybe I won't have bad dreams .... one can hope!

Thankfulness for Wednesday

I come to the end of this day feeling somewhat battered and worn - so I guess it would be helpful to think about the things I'm thankful for.

- I'm thankful that the visit with the psychiatrist went okay today - and finally we are beginning to find a language to communicate in that I am comfortable with... It's only taken 4 years!
- I'm thankful that I have a number of someone to call about the chip in my windscreen. Hope to call them tomorrow.
- I'm thankful that I've made it safely through this afternoon and evening.
- I'm thankful that things are always (nearly always) better in the morning.
- I'm thankful for a good bed to sleep in and Panadol for my aches and pains.

Money, money, money

It is crazy. I have a positive bank balance and no debt - which can be said of very few in this day and age ... that is not counting some money I do owe to a friend and to my mum for helping me buy my car last year.... yet I worry.

Had to pay car insurance today - and then when I was coming back from seeing a good friend, a big truck went by the other way and threw up a stone, which chipped my windscreen. I so hope the chip can be fixed without replacing the whole windscreen. Damn.... I was very annoyed!

I can manage my doctor's bills for this week, and have food in the cupboard - and am using the heating on trust that it will be okay to pay for it when the time comes.

I guess one of the factors at the moment is that one of my boarders is moving out on the weekend so that will increase my share of the rent. I am in conversation with another young lady, who is interested in moving in - but we haven't got beyond some conversation. I have appointments the next 3 days and my boarders' wedding on Saturday - so don't reckon I will catch up with this other girl this week.

It'll be okay............ I think!

Do Smarties make you Smart!!??

Smarties remind me of sitting on the top bunk in an ocean liner on the way to or from Kenya, with my brother and sisters. We divided up a box of Smarties between us after dividing them into colours, we did eeny, meeny, mieny, mo..... for each smartie around the colour groups to know which colour we could take next. I remember when we were in our 20s buying a bag of Smarties and dividing them into colour groups and then dividing each colour group into 3 equal shares in little bowls - just so we all had an equal share of all the colours. That was just the 3 girls - I still often divide my Smarties into colour groups.... but not today. We needed equal shares because some people (me) suck the coating off each Smartie and savour the experience of each one - where as others scoff the lot quickly - and things needed to BE FAIR!!!!!

It is a clear and crisp winter's day today with frost this morning. I even made it back to the gym this morning and plan to go 3 times this week --- and so on ad infinitum.

Then I saw my counsellor - we talked 'around' some anger stuff - and at the end she said she reckons I am ready to start some 'anger work' Crumbs!!!! Yikes!!! Crikey!!! I see her again on Friday.

What God do you have?

I learned something this week...

I have had a harsh and tyrannical God, whom I inherited from my parents. They may not have experienced him that way... but that is who I learned to follow - except I know I was following a kind God too - I know Him/Her for other people...

I am angry that my parents neglected me for the sake of their service to this harsh God and I am angry that I wore myself out in his service too.

I said to my counsellor this week.. I don't want that God any more... I want a good, kind, loving, compassionate, gentle, upholding, forgiving and just God...

It is going to take some time to discover Her/Him or/and to be discovered by Her/Him.

I have a lot of work to do in releasing these long held angry feelings - the process has started - and I will have an opportunity tomorrow when I see my counsellor - to continue to explore these things.

It is very scary for me....

Awake!

What do you do when you wake up early in the morning??? Or does that never happen to you? Some people sleep in til their alarm clock goes off each day - I haven't used an alarm in a very long time. Not unless I need to get up at 4.00 am or something to take someone to the airport! :-).

When I get up early - I often go on the computer for a little while and then read and think for a little while. I like to open the curtains, even though it is dark and cold outside, because then I can see the sky lighten as dawn comes. I can hear the birds singing too. Otherwise it is very quiet.

I have breakfast and that necessary cup of tea - and then when I've done all that - I will often go back to bed again for a '2nd sleep'. If it is a day like today when I don't need to be anywhere until 10.00 for church. - Other days I might go to the gym.

I am thankful for a warm and comfortable bed to sleep in!

What about Saturday?

Am I thankful for things tonight - as the day draws to an end???

I am thankful for the energy to interact with people this morning at breakfast.
I am thankful for soup and a visit with a good friend at lunch.
I am thankful for the computer, internet and 'social networking' - even though it often doesn't bring me much comfort.
I am thankful that even though it has felt like Sunday all day... having started off at church ... it is actually only Saturday - so I don't have to get up and go to the gym in the morning.
I am thankful that I found my 'right' 'go to sleep' word find puzzle book yesterday so that I can start it tonight. I finished one yesterday.

Working things out

Wow - hopefully now I have a picture ... sorry... not a lovely one of me... but often I feel something like a tortoise, in more ways than one - so this will do for now.

I think I have added the google analytics code in the right place as well - so hopefully that will help me track if anyone other than myself and a few close friends is reading these profound thoughts! :-).

I have had a lovely morning at my Church Ladies' Breakfast. About 60 ladies of all ages came together for lovely muffins, fruit, toast and cereal and yoghurt. I was feeling well enough to take a place on the welcoming table and help with organising people into groups for some 'getting to know each other' time after we were done with the food and the coffees. I met some people I didn't know and learned some new things about people I do know. Maybe I will actually talk to someone at church tomorrow, instead of hiding away in the foyer.!

Then I went to a friend's place for pumpkin soup for lunch - it was very yummy - especially as I didn't make it - I don't like cooking for myself much. We had a good chin wag while she pinned scraps of material together to sew into patchwork bags. She had finished two and I really liked the colours, so I bought them both. I will use one as a present for my sister's birthday, which is in 2 weeks - Yay.... I have a present for her and haven't had to go out and look for one!

There is a little work I could do in the garden .... Hmmmm .... not much of a gardener either, but the geraniums need cutting back....... Saturday afternoon stuff?????

Later::: The geraniums have had a SEVERE haircut!... pulled a few weeds too.

Comfort or Hardship??

I am sitting here in relative warmth with a rug over my knees and another around my shoulders. I have 3 heaters in the house I could put on if I needed to. I have a wardrobe full of clothes (many that don't fit!!), and more than one pair of shoes. There is enough food in the fridge and pantry to feed me for a week. I even have a room to myself to sleep in.

I am thinking today of my friends in Madagascar - some have rarely slept in a bed by themselves, let alone had a whole room of their own, with a door. They live from day to day just buying enough food for that day. After all, there is no fridge and many only get their money each day as well. They can't save for anything even if they do have work, because the needs of any family crisis, illness, accident, or birth or death, take precedent over whatever they were saving for. They have two or 3 sets of clothes if they are lucky, and no heating in the house - even though it gets cold in winter.

Does God love them any less than he loves me??? Why can't we share more? Why do we spend more on our military budgets than the whole GDP of a nation like Madagascar? I don't get it. But I am thankful for the things I have and hope that I can be generous with those things.

Why write a blog??

Blogging seems to be an 'in thing'. Can't imagine quite why we want to read about other people's lives. I guess it is part of how we feel connected to each other in the 21st Century.

I have enjoyed writing for many years, but never gone beyond sharing a few stories with close friends. This might give me an opportunity. And I need connection!

I have had a full day today - interacting with people and doing some work as well - just an hour of work - I am so thankful for my church's community shop - because it gives me a place to hang out. They have a cafe there too.

I am thankful for:
My friends
Good professional help
A car that works
A computer and the internet
A really nice lunch