So... how did Advent turn out?
Somehow I found myself a few days out from Christmas, lost and lonely and distressed... feeling like I had lost my way on the journey to Bethlehem...
I was discouraged that all the preparation I had made seemed to have turned back on itself.
I walked through a prayer labyrinth - and the first station was the Wise Men... and the questions asked me to think about and get in touch with the parts of me that plan and prepare, and put those plans into action.
I felt such overwhelming grief and anger - for the excellent planning skills I have used in the past - that now seem to have been swallowed up in the pit of depression and my mental illness. I wanted to move from my spot on the labyrinth - and lie on the floor towards the altar of the church, on my stomach, and pound my fists into the carpet... But of course you 'don't do that'....
I felt such disappointment in myself that I had prepared so well for Christmas, but had forgotten about planning things for the days in the last week before going to spend some time with my sisters in another town...
However, the days passed - I am at my sister's home, will be leaving on Monday... time to think tomorrow about New Year 2012.
I am carrying around with me, a little white stone, given to me by my counsellor... it is to remind me that I can 'find the way home' - if I just listen and pay attention.... The stone 'has my name on it'... It has brought me great comfort.
Paying attention is a good thing.....
Thursday, December 29, 2011
Monday, December 5, 2011
Advent???
I have been looking forward to Advent...
And didn't mind the first few readings in my book, Mary's Diary...
That is where I ended up with a list of things about myself that I actually like...
But today.... I'm just angry.
Angry at talk about belonging, being chosen, being loved, and being noticed...
I don't feel like many of those things are happening for me just at the moment...
I don't want to hear about these things I long for happening for someone else...
Today I have wanted to curl up in bed and never move again...
I have thought various unhelpful thoughts... still think.....
Sometimes chocolate biscuits just aren't enough...
And didn't mind the first few readings in my book, Mary's Diary...
That is where I ended up with a list of things about myself that I actually like...
But today.... I'm just angry.
Angry at talk about belonging, being chosen, being loved, and being noticed...
I don't feel like many of those things are happening for me just at the moment...
I don't want to hear about these things I long for happening for someone else...
Today I have wanted to curl up in bed and never move again...
I have thought various unhelpful thoughts... still think.....
Sometimes chocolate biscuits just aren't enough...
Wednesday, November 30, 2011
Loneliness
Don't have any wise platitudes and confident phrases today....
Sometimes I can have spent time with people and not have been touched in that deep place that yearns so much to be nurtured... like at my group break up today...
When is it time to reach out? and when is it time to sit with the loneliness and know that this is part of life... certainly a big part of my life?
And, I'm tired... what use is that?
Hmmmmm.........
Often tele doesn't cut it either.............
Sometimes I can have spent time with people and not have been touched in that deep place that yearns so much to be nurtured... like at my group break up today...
When is it time to reach out? and when is it time to sit with the loneliness and know that this is part of life... certainly a big part of my life?
And, I'm tired... what use is that?
Hmmmmm.........
Often tele doesn't cut it either.............
Tuesday, November 22, 2011
Saying hello
Be still and know that I am God...
God is God of my church which is in turmoil...
He/she is God of my pastor, who may be sacked this weekend....
She/he is God of me... whose support structures are all in flux just now.....
I was just sitting here thinking on these things and realised that often letting go comes before saying hello...
There are many things that I seem to be 'losing' all at once...
Especially in terms of the structures of my supports because of changes in these people's lives...
The challenge is to 'let go'..... and have open hands to 'say hello' to whatever new things may be out there for me... without being overcome by the anxiety, loneliness and grief that is part of the process....
We get used to things being 'as they have been'
It hurts when they change....
..... like when they took the comfy chairs out of the op shop cafe where I used to hang out more...
.....like when I had conflict with one of my 4 best friends...
..... like when a significant support person lost her son, and may lose her job....
..... like when another significant support person may lose his job - and for both of these that means much more limited access to them on a 'drop-in for 5 minutes' basis...
It hasn't happened yet ... and as a wise friend said to me yesterday... it isn't my decision...
Be still and Know that I am God!
God is God of my church which is in turmoil...
He/she is God of my pastor, who may be sacked this weekend....
She/he is God of me... whose support structures are all in flux just now.....
I was just sitting here thinking on these things and realised that often letting go comes before saying hello...
There are many things that I seem to be 'losing' all at once...
Especially in terms of the structures of my supports because of changes in these people's lives...
The challenge is to 'let go'..... and have open hands to 'say hello' to whatever new things may be out there for me... without being overcome by the anxiety, loneliness and grief that is part of the process....
We get used to things being 'as they have been'
It hurts when they change....
..... like when they took the comfy chairs out of the op shop cafe where I used to hang out more...
.....like when I had conflict with one of my 4 best friends...
..... like when a significant support person lost her son, and may lose her job....
..... like when another significant support person may lose his job - and for both of these that means much more limited access to them on a 'drop-in for 5 minutes' basis...
It hasn't happened yet ... and as a wise friend said to me yesterday... it isn't my decision...
Be still and Know that I am God!
Sunday, November 20, 2011
Tuesday, November 15, 2011
God knows your going out and your coming in Psalm 139
I was reading part of this Psalm this afternoon, and wondering again why I feel so angry when I read it... It is supposed to be one of the Psalms that brings most comfort - as we are invited to consider that we are fearfully and wonderfully made... and I feel angry....
I was talking with my counsellor last week about gratitude bringing contentment - and she made the wise observation that this can be effective if the source of lack of contentment is envy, and she doesn't think that is the source of my lack of contentment... I'm not sure we worked out what is... and I expressed my frustration with repetitions of lengthly gratitude exercises over the past 10 years - which don't seem to have impacted my general mood and feeling of well being one iota! And yet.... I know and firmly believe that being alive to the possibilities and realities in the moment are somehow a key to greater contentment for me... and I guess that means the realities even with they suck!
If I could somehow learn to relish the present - the slight breeze from the fan, the music, the birds outside.. the reality of being 'in my skin' at this very moment... with the anxiety, sorrow, grief, and yet inkling of plans to try and get my physical self moving in the right direction again... as of now...
I can see my 'love to hug' piglet, pink and soft... I can see the photo of my parents taken 15 years ago or so.. with all the mixed emotions that brings... I can see the lovely box full of birthday cards from my birthday 2 months ago - and just next to me is my soft snuggle rug and snuggle shawl. And angels surround! (no candle today, because of the fan)...
I hope to go to drawing class this week... on thursday morning... at least it will be a start... even if I just draw bottles again... it has been so long...
I was talking with my counsellor last week about gratitude bringing contentment - and she made the wise observation that this can be effective if the source of lack of contentment is envy, and she doesn't think that is the source of my lack of contentment... I'm not sure we worked out what is... and I expressed my frustration with repetitions of lengthly gratitude exercises over the past 10 years - which don't seem to have impacted my general mood and feeling of well being one iota! And yet.... I know and firmly believe that being alive to the possibilities and realities in the moment are somehow a key to greater contentment for me... and I guess that means the realities even with they suck!
If I could somehow learn to relish the present - the slight breeze from the fan, the music, the birds outside.. the reality of being 'in my skin' at this very moment... with the anxiety, sorrow, grief, and yet inkling of plans to try and get my physical self moving in the right direction again... as of now...
I can see my 'love to hug' piglet, pink and soft... I can see the photo of my parents taken 15 years ago or so.. with all the mixed emotions that brings... I can see the lovely box full of birthday cards from my birthday 2 months ago - and just next to me is my soft snuggle rug and snuggle shawl. And angels surround! (no candle today, because of the fan)...
I hope to go to drawing class this week... on thursday morning... at least it will be a start... even if I just draw bottles again... it has been so long...
Sunday, November 13, 2011
Thinking about death!
I have been thinking for some days about where to write... there isn't always the appropriate forum - and sometimes the journal just doesn't cut it...
One of my best friend's sons was killed in a pedestrian accident a week ago - he was 23, has a fiancee and they had just moved into their new house. They had just got a lovely puppy! The funeral was on Friday - moving, respectful, overwhelmingly sad... but with laughs as people remembered EXtreme Wes.
I have had to see my counsellor some extra times during this period - it is a little unclear if his death was a suicide or not, and that triggers stuff for me - what about when I want to?
Then there is all the stuff about how I may want to be remembered if/when I die? Who plans the funeral? Where do I want to end up? Does it really matter? Right now it seems to matter.... I will put some stuff down on paper... soon... this week???
And then there is my dear friend who is suffering such deep wrenching grief... she and her husband and family and the fiancee... and yet I miss her - normally I see her even if just for a few minutes, most days, as she works at the office next door to the community shop where I hang out a bit. What do I do with my grief about that? And my shared grief with her? I said on Facebook.. I want to come and sit in the silence with sack cloth and ashes....
It all bloody hurts - and I guess looking to 'make it go away' isn't the aim...but to sit with it ... to allow it to be... to 'be' in it... and it is lonely.....
PS - I am back in some contact with my friend referred to in the previous post... it will take time to build bridges.
One of my best friend's sons was killed in a pedestrian accident a week ago - he was 23, has a fiancee and they had just moved into their new house. They had just got a lovely puppy! The funeral was on Friday - moving, respectful, overwhelmingly sad... but with laughs as people remembered EXtreme Wes.
I have had to see my counsellor some extra times during this period - it is a little unclear if his death was a suicide or not, and that triggers stuff for me - what about when I want to?
Then there is all the stuff about how I may want to be remembered if/when I die? Who plans the funeral? Where do I want to end up? Does it really matter? Right now it seems to matter.... I will put some stuff down on paper... soon... this week???
And then there is my dear friend who is suffering such deep wrenching grief... she and her husband and family and the fiancee... and yet I miss her - normally I see her even if just for a few minutes, most days, as she works at the office next door to the community shop where I hang out a bit. What do I do with my grief about that? And my shared grief with her? I said on Facebook.. I want to come and sit in the silence with sack cloth and ashes....
It all bloody hurts - and I guess looking to 'make it go away' isn't the aim...but to sit with it ... to allow it to be... to 'be' in it... and it is lonely.....
PS - I am back in some contact with my friend referred to in the previous post... it will take time to build bridges.
Wednesday, November 2, 2011
Friends???
I have been thinking a lot about friends over the past few days... after having had a significant series of misunderstandings with a significant friend...
When this happens... is it possible to negotiate through to a place of mutual trust again?
When this happens... is apology enough, especially when the mistakes on my side were unintentioned and unknown?
When this happens... how do I process the hurt and sense of betrayal... how do I move to a place of forgiveness?
I need my friends... do I need them too much? Is this part of my mental illness? Is knowing how to respect others' boundaries something we learn through social conditioning? Or is it something that we struggle with through errors and corrections for a considerable time? Until we die?
I don't know how to begin to mend this friendship that has been wounded and I'm not even sure that my friend wants to...
I am very sad about that...... and my heart hurts... and my mind has been racing about how I could have done things differently.. which I know isn't helpful in the long run.
I remember, when I was in Madagascar... and had made yet another cultural mistake... the words came to mind that 'the blood of Jesus covers a multitude of sins...' I had a picture of putting my mistakes with Jesus, and trusting that those I had offended or hurt, would forgive and forget.... Guess I could do that now...
When this happens... is it possible to negotiate through to a place of mutual trust again?
When this happens... is apology enough, especially when the mistakes on my side were unintentioned and unknown?
When this happens... how do I process the hurt and sense of betrayal... how do I move to a place of forgiveness?
I need my friends... do I need them too much? Is this part of my mental illness? Is knowing how to respect others' boundaries something we learn through social conditioning? Or is it something that we struggle with through errors and corrections for a considerable time? Until we die?
I don't know how to begin to mend this friendship that has been wounded and I'm not even sure that my friend wants to...
I am very sad about that...... and my heart hurts... and my mind has been racing about how I could have done things differently.. which I know isn't helpful in the long run.
I remember, when I was in Madagascar... and had made yet another cultural mistake... the words came to mind that 'the blood of Jesus covers a multitude of sins...' I had a picture of putting my mistakes with Jesus, and trusting that those I had offended or hurt, would forgive and forget.... Guess I could do that now...
Sunday, October 16, 2011
Prayer???
I don't know if we have done this one before? Been thinking about prayer this week.. and why we/I do it...and what I expect. Someone said, in a group I was in - that people say we should pray specifically - he reckons that the 'positive thinking seminars' give the same concept - and if you put a picture of your perfect house up by your mirror - the chances of you getting it are the same with prayer as with positive thinking...
I was sitting in the group - thinking that I don't think that is what prayer is for... and thinking about what I pray for... yes, sometimes it is something specific - but often, most often, when I pray for myself or others - it is more an act of putting ourselves into the conversation with God... Being present with Her - and leaving the outcome in His hands... doesn't mean I don't have desperate heart longings - and doesn't mean I don't get disappointed - and doesn't mean I don't pray more specific prayers sometimes....
Why do you pray, and how do you pray?
I know I long for a measure of contentment - I've longed for that, before God, for a very long time... and sometimes wonder if I am having any more 'moments of contentment' now that I did before???? I long to feel at home, and like I belong, and that I matter... My counsellor said I can't really know that I matter to others until I practice mattering to myself more.... Now that is a hard one...
Saw the pdoc ... med change going as expected... some difficulties, but no unexpected ones...
I even went for a walk yesterday - and vacuumed - and did some bible study work on the computer... and got really lonely in the evening...
Hmmmmmmmmm.......
I was sitting in the group - thinking that I don't think that is what prayer is for... and thinking about what I pray for... yes, sometimes it is something specific - but often, most often, when I pray for myself or others - it is more an act of putting ourselves into the conversation with God... Being present with Her - and leaving the outcome in His hands... doesn't mean I don't have desperate heart longings - and doesn't mean I don't get disappointed - and doesn't mean I don't pray more specific prayers sometimes....
Why do you pray, and how do you pray?
I know I long for a measure of contentment - I've longed for that, before God, for a very long time... and sometimes wonder if I am having any more 'moments of contentment' now that I did before???? I long to feel at home, and like I belong, and that I matter... My counsellor said I can't really know that I matter to others until I practice mattering to myself more.... Now that is a hard one...
Saw the pdoc ... med change going as expected... some difficulties, but no unexpected ones...
I even went for a walk yesterday - and vacuumed - and did some bible study work on the computer... and got really lonely in the evening...
Hmmmmmmmmm.......
Tuesday, October 11, 2011
Sometimes life sucks!
Been changing my antidepressants the past 3 weeks... I thought I would be okay - but the past 4 to 5 days have been really, really difficult.... I saw my therapist yesterday and as we talked about things, she said that there doesn't seem to be much real change in the issues etc - so my low mood and dark thoughts are most likely from the med change - It has been really hard.... even just to keep doing the basic things...
I see the psychiatrist on Thursday morning - at the unearthly hour of 8.00 am - maybe I won't shower before that one! I need to really make an effort to tell her what is really going on for me - which I tend to understate. I have an appointment with the GP today - just to be seeing another professional.....
I'll be glad when we have some warmer weather towards the end of the week - which will be good -.
If you think of me, friends... think courage in my direction!
Thankful for some good friends - who 'get it' and for other friends who don't by still try to care in their own way...
I see the psychiatrist on Thursday morning - at the unearthly hour of 8.00 am - maybe I won't shower before that one! I need to really make an effort to tell her what is really going on for me - which I tend to understate. I have an appointment with the GP today - just to be seeing another professional.....
I'll be glad when we have some warmer weather towards the end of the week - which will be good -.
If you think of me, friends... think courage in my direction!
Thankful for some good friends - who 'get it' and for other friends who don't by still try to care in their own way...
Friday, September 30, 2011
Settling in???
What does it mean to settle in?
What does it mean to 'be at home?'
What does it mean to 'belong'?
Or maybe I shouldn't add the last one in there... Maybe I can settle in, and/or be at home... even if I don't feel like I 'belong'... I don't know if I will ever feel like I belong... anywhere.
I have been in my new home for a week, tomorrow - my counsellor said this morning, that seeing as I am a 'body' person, part of the process of being at home, is giving my body time to know where it is - to know what the floor feels like under my feet, to know the way to the bathroom at night, to know what side to get out of bed, to know about the light and dark... to know where to sit/lie to watch TV... for the little I watch... these things take time.
I heard the rain on the tin roof overhang outside my window this morning (and over night)... it brought back memories of Madagascar.. and the anxiety... I need to acknowledge the anxiety, and remember that I'm in Melbourne now, and there is a dog here, and a house mate - and the burglars are not coming - or the pick pockets, or the robbers and bandits and bad guys. I might need to remember that a lot of times.
I was thinking yesterday, that I need to practice 'coming home' - instead of being out ... and looking for someone to be with - to connect to... Can I connect to this little unit? Can I start a drawing? Can I do more than sleep and eat here?
It has only been a week.............................................................
What does it mean to 'be at home?'
What does it mean to 'belong'?
Or maybe I shouldn't add the last one in there... Maybe I can settle in, and/or be at home... even if I don't feel like I 'belong'... I don't know if I will ever feel like I belong... anywhere.
I have been in my new home for a week, tomorrow - my counsellor said this morning, that seeing as I am a 'body' person, part of the process of being at home, is giving my body time to know where it is - to know what the floor feels like under my feet, to know the way to the bathroom at night, to know what side to get out of bed, to know about the light and dark... to know where to sit/lie to watch TV... for the little I watch... these things take time.
I heard the rain on the tin roof overhang outside my window this morning (and over night)... it brought back memories of Madagascar.. and the anxiety... I need to acknowledge the anxiety, and remember that I'm in Melbourne now, and there is a dog here, and a house mate - and the burglars are not coming - or the pick pockets, or the robbers and bandits and bad guys. I might need to remember that a lot of times.
I was thinking yesterday, that I need to practice 'coming home' - instead of being out ... and looking for someone to be with - to connect to... Can I connect to this little unit? Can I start a drawing? Can I do more than sleep and eat here?
It has only been a week.............................................................
Thursday, September 22, 2011
New Place -- not perfect
..... but hopefully okay....
I move to 4 suburbs away from my community support base.. on Saturday. I have a couple of men to help with the moving and a trailer - still all feels pretty overwhelming though. It is to a 2 bedroom unit, with another lady, who is buying the unit - so at least it should be stable for a while - if we manage to get along.
It has been a challenging month out of town at my friend's place while she has been away. Better now she is back... somewhere between now and saturday, I need to clean the bathroom and bedroom where I have been staying --- hmmmm. and.... can I pack up all my stuff at her place into my car on Saturday?... there will be a way.
Had a lovely birthday party on Saturday - very nice - thanks to all my friends and family who came.
Pondering on, where is a good place to have a week's holiday before the end of the year... and with whom?????
I move to 4 suburbs away from my community support base.. on Saturday. I have a couple of men to help with the moving and a trailer - still all feels pretty overwhelming though. It is to a 2 bedroom unit, with another lady, who is buying the unit - so at least it should be stable for a while - if we manage to get along.
It has been a challenging month out of town at my friend's place while she has been away. Better now she is back... somewhere between now and saturday, I need to clean the bathroom and bedroom where I have been staying --- hmmmm. and.... can I pack up all my stuff at her place into my car on Saturday?... there will be a way.
Had a lovely birthday party on Saturday - very nice - thanks to all my friends and family who came.
Pondering on, where is a good place to have a week's holiday before the end of the year... and with whom?????
Friday, August 19, 2011
Itinerant...
Well, I have moved out of the home I have been in for the past 5 1/2 years. The second longest time I have lived at any one address. Now I am staying with a friend from church for a couple of months. She is away for a month from today - so I will be house sitting. It is some distance from my 'network' and I am feeling the isolation of that already. But the home is lovely and - I can use her computer some times.... I am ringing up a phone bill on my mobile, but have to remember that I'm not paying for a land line at the moment.
The move went well - thanks to my capable helpers... I was actually quite sick with gastro those couple of days - so mostly directed traffic. My sisters came and helped, along with nephews - so that was lovely.
Where to from here? I don't know... Sometimes we have to sit with the questions -
At least I have a friend coming to stay this weekend.. and hopefully will get back into my routine next week...
Breathe... hey ... we all need to remember that...
The move went well - thanks to my capable helpers... I was actually quite sick with gastro those couple of days - so mostly directed traffic. My sisters came and helped, along with nephews - so that was lovely.
Where to from here? I don't know... Sometimes we have to sit with the questions -
At least I have a friend coming to stay this weekend.. and hopefully will get back into my routine next week...
Breathe... hey ... we all need to remember that...
Thursday, July 28, 2011
Calmer Hope
A new day...
Sunshine
A reasonable sleep...
I feel better about the move today. I will even go and get some more boxes this morning. I need to write an email to my sister about the things I want to get rid of and see what she wants... They are coming up on the 13 to help me move, and hopefully there will be some help from church as well.
I can ask for help...
I can do this....
Thanks to those who commented...
There may be pleasant surprises ahead...
Sunshine
A reasonable sleep...
I feel better about the move today. I will even go and get some more boxes this morning. I need to write an email to my sister about the things I want to get rid of and see what she wants... They are coming up on the 13 to help me move, and hopefully there will be some help from church as well.
I can ask for help...
I can do this....
Thanks to those who commented...
There may be pleasant surprises ahead...
Wednesday, July 27, 2011
Mistaken Hope
Diso fanentanana.... Mistaken Hope -- another Malagasy lesson for today...
I feel like I should be rejoicing...... but I'm not....
I have made a decision about where to live...
I will move to 4 suburbs away in 2 1/2 weeks...
To a shared house with two others (3 when the owner is there)...
I have a bedroom and bathroom... and use of the common areas...
I can take my bed, and hopefully my recliner... A bedside table and a bookcase...
I can connect to the internet...
Instead of feeling good, I feel incredibly sad....
How do I take the 'I know it will be okay...' and really KNOW it???????
It is about a 20 minute drive back to where I live now, and where my 'community' is (mostly)...
5 train stations... if I take the train (I do have the car)...
I don't want to start again....
I don't want to learn to fit into a new community...
I don't want to be any more lonely....
I don't want to put most of my stuff in storage...
A friend said today... that it can take quite a time for our emotions to process and catch up with our decisions and thoughts...
I hope they do..... eventually......
I feel like I should be rejoicing...... but I'm not....
I have made a decision about where to live...
I will move to 4 suburbs away in 2 1/2 weeks...
To a shared house with two others (3 when the owner is there)...
I have a bedroom and bathroom... and use of the common areas...
I can take my bed, and hopefully my recliner... A bedside table and a bookcase...
I can connect to the internet...
Instead of feeling good, I feel incredibly sad....
How do I take the 'I know it will be okay...' and really KNOW it???????
It is about a 20 minute drive back to where I live now, and where my 'community' is (mostly)...
5 train stations... if I take the train (I do have the car)...
I don't want to start again....
I don't want to learn to fit into a new community...
I don't want to be any more lonely....
I don't want to put most of my stuff in storage...
A friend said today... that it can take quite a time for our emotions to process and catch up with our decisions and thoughts...
I hope they do..... eventually......
Thursday, July 21, 2011
Mercy
"Sambatra ny miantra, fa izy no hiantrana..." Matthew 5...
"Blessed are the merciful for they will be shown mercy..."
When my father was dying of cancer and was deteriorating... I sat on his bed with him and said, we will ask God to be merciful... He said, "God is always merciful". That conversation has stuck with me.
I am due to move in 3 weeks, and the place I was moving to has fallen through... so I don't know where I will be going. It has been a rollercoaster ride the past few days (I found out on Monday late afternoon).
What does it mean to be shown mercy? It is getting something good that I don't deserve... I believe that God's mercy is showered on all people and I don't know why some live in wars, famine, and devastation...
Somehow we are agents of God's mercy too - as we advocate for peace and justice, and care for people and our world... my friends have been agents of God's mercy to me over the past couple of days, as they have supported me emotionally and practically...
And it doesn't mean that I feel good, relaxed, or at peace....
To learn to receive... to say the eternal "Yes" to life, whatever it may bring is the challenge facing me today...
"Blessed are the merciful for they will be shown mercy..."
When my father was dying of cancer and was deteriorating... I sat on his bed with him and said, we will ask God to be merciful... He said, "God is always merciful". That conversation has stuck with me.
I am due to move in 3 weeks, and the place I was moving to has fallen through... so I don't know where I will be going. It has been a rollercoaster ride the past few days (I found out on Monday late afternoon).
What does it mean to be shown mercy? It is getting something good that I don't deserve... I believe that God's mercy is showered on all people and I don't know why some live in wars, famine, and devastation...
Somehow we are agents of God's mercy too - as we advocate for peace and justice, and care for people and our world... my friends have been agents of God's mercy to me over the past couple of days, as they have supported me emotionally and practically...
And it doesn't mean that I feel good, relaxed, or at peace....
To learn to receive... to say the eternal "Yes" to life, whatever it may bring is the challenge facing me today...
Wednesday, July 6, 2011
Jesus loves you???
7.30 am 6.7.11. Wednesday
Jesus loves you
This you know
For the Bible
Tells you so.......
Needed to use the second person pronoun today...
In the first person, as it is normally sung... this is one of my mantras when I can't think, can't act, can't plan... when I am overcome by the anxiety etc...
But what does it mean???
What does it mean to me today... when life sux...just now?????????
Jesus loves you
This you know
For the Bible
Tells you so.......
Needed to use the second person pronoun today...
In the first person, as it is normally sung... this is one of my mantras when I can't think, can't act, can't plan... when I am overcome by the anxiety etc...
But what does it mean???
What does it mean to me today... when life sux...just now?????????
Sunday, June 26, 2011
Contentment?????
4.45. 26.06.2011. Sunday...
What do you hope for?
What do you seek?
What do you long for?
One of the longings of my heart is 'contentment'.....
An ability to be 'okay' with where I am, and what I am able to do, and my friendship networks...
I have been thinking about loneliness this afternoon - about that ache for connection, that I believe exists in each of us, but for some of us, for whatever reason... the connections we have, never feel enough...
I guess that says that the connections are not at fault, but rather something about how I am able to hold them, and trust it them...
There have been a few changes (and changes ahead) in the availability of a couple of significant connections for me... It hurts....
I know that things will settle into the new rhythm... I know that having a partner doesn't necessarily mean connection either... I know that somehow contentment with myself and my own company, must come from within, if it isn't to frighten other people away.... but it hurts.
And on top of all that... how am I going to be able to get the windows cleaned in my house, when I am moving in 5 weeks...? It is one job, I just can't do...
I need something today... and I don't even really know what it is...
What do you hope for?
What do you seek?
What do you long for?
One of the longings of my heart is 'contentment'.....
An ability to be 'okay' with where I am, and what I am able to do, and my friendship networks...
I have been thinking about loneliness this afternoon - about that ache for connection, that I believe exists in each of us, but for some of us, for whatever reason... the connections we have, never feel enough...
I guess that says that the connections are not at fault, but rather something about how I am able to hold them, and trust it them...
There have been a few changes (and changes ahead) in the availability of a couple of significant connections for me... It hurts....
I know that things will settle into the new rhythm... I know that having a partner doesn't necessarily mean connection either... I know that somehow contentment with myself and my own company, must come from within, if it isn't to frighten other people away.... but it hurts.
And on top of all that... how am I going to be able to get the windows cleaned in my house, when I am moving in 5 weeks...? It is one job, I just can't do...
I need something today... and I don't even really know what it is...
Sunday, June 19, 2011
What happens when you pray?
8.15 am. 19.06.11. Sunday
I was preparing for a 6 hour session of having my story listened to, and this was one of the questions. I was surprised at my response..
I have thought for a long time, that nothing happens when I pray, that I don't have a sense of God being present. That I don't have any expectation that he will hear me, especially when it is prayers for myself.
But as I pondered this question, and let it sink into my gut... I realised that something does happen when I pray.
When I pray, when I'm not distressed, I have a sense of connecting to the 'Other', and sense of Largeness. I bring the people and situations that come to mind into this Presence... and sit with the questions and the longings. It is a nice place to be...
When I pray when I'm distressed ... I throw out the questions, the longing and yearning of my heart... sometimes my tears, and often I repeat the mantra, "I'm not going to do deals with you, God..." So much of my life has been trying to 'do deals' ... "If I can somehow pray enough - say the right things - have the right feelings - do the right things - then God will answer the deep yearning of my heart.
I don't 'do deals' anymore... So I guess, often I just sit with the yearning and the questions, and sometimes the apparent hopelessness that anything can change... and you know... usually, eventually, there is a shift in me.
I guess there is Hope in that...
I was preparing for a 6 hour session of having my story listened to, and this was one of the questions. I was surprised at my response..
I have thought for a long time, that nothing happens when I pray, that I don't have a sense of God being present. That I don't have any expectation that he will hear me, especially when it is prayers for myself.
But as I pondered this question, and let it sink into my gut... I realised that something does happen when I pray.
When I pray, when I'm not distressed, I have a sense of connecting to the 'Other', and sense of Largeness. I bring the people and situations that come to mind into this Presence... and sit with the questions and the longings. It is a nice place to be...
When I pray when I'm distressed ... I throw out the questions, the longing and yearning of my heart... sometimes my tears, and often I repeat the mantra, "I'm not going to do deals with you, God..." So much of my life has been trying to 'do deals' ... "If I can somehow pray enough - say the right things - have the right feelings - do the right things - then God will answer the deep yearning of my heart.
I don't 'do deals' anymore... So I guess, often I just sit with the yearning and the questions, and sometimes the apparent hopelessness that anything can change... and you know... usually, eventually, there is a shift in me.
I guess there is Hope in that...
Friday, June 3, 2011
Processing stuff
3.30 pm. 3.6.11. Friday...
Why does processing difficult stuff take so long... is it possible to be able to move on?
Is it really a case of just putting things behind you and looking to the future?
If so, why does the fact that I tried that for 30 years, and ended up feeling worse than ever before?
Doing some hard emotional work at present, in a number of different spheres...
I am in the process of re-evaluating my commitment to the Community Care at the Op Shop.. I know it is good to be part of that team. I know it is good for me to be stretched outside myself each week. But I'm not sure it is good to have so much stress that I can't sleep, and I feel highly anxious.
I know my primary gifting is in mentoring, teaching, facilitating learning and growth, and the pastoral gifts are an 'aside', in some ways... now that I've committed to co leading a Ladies' Small Group each week, which involves writing and preparing the material, I'm not sure I can do the other????? And there is the possibility of being able to join an art group in the second half of the year, and I can't do that and Community Care and the Small Group.
Where does selfishness come into it?
I was talking to a friend yesterday about feeling like I needed to just 'pull my socks up'... she said that is sort'a hard to do, if you don't have any socks.... Hmmmmmmmmm.......
Why does processing difficult stuff take so long... is it possible to be able to move on?
Is it really a case of just putting things behind you and looking to the future?
If so, why does the fact that I tried that for 30 years, and ended up feeling worse than ever before?
Doing some hard emotional work at present, in a number of different spheres...
I am in the process of re-evaluating my commitment to the Community Care at the Op Shop.. I know it is good to be part of that team. I know it is good for me to be stretched outside myself each week. But I'm not sure it is good to have so much stress that I can't sleep, and I feel highly anxious.
I know my primary gifting is in mentoring, teaching, facilitating learning and growth, and the pastoral gifts are an 'aside', in some ways... now that I've committed to co leading a Ladies' Small Group each week, which involves writing and preparing the material, I'm not sure I can do the other????? And there is the possibility of being able to join an art group in the second half of the year, and I can't do that and Community Care and the Small Group.
Where does selfishness come into it?
I was talking to a friend yesterday about feeling like I needed to just 'pull my socks up'... she said that is sort'a hard to do, if you don't have any socks.... Hmmmmmmmmm.......
Not the Archies
2.30 pm 3.6.11. Friday
Not the Archies, is an art exhibition held in my part of the city... My counsellor heard about it and encouraged me to enter one of my works, so I have done this portrait of our cycling pastor...
There are some prizes... I'll let you know if I win anything (which I expect is highly unlikely), but I hope I can find out where the drawing will be exhibited so I can go and look at it.
It is a charcoal drawing on primed canvas.
There are some prizes... I'll let you know if I win anything (which I expect is highly unlikely), but I hope I can find out where the drawing will be exhibited so I can go and look at it.
It is a charcoal drawing on primed canvas.
Wednesday, May 25, 2011
Tuesday, May 24, 2011
God Candle
10.15 pm 24.5.11. Tuesday
I am thankful today for my God candle... which reminds me of light, and connection, and warmth.....
For a cooked hot meal provided for tea, and enough for tomorrow night as well......
For an afternoon sleep......
For my medication.....
For a hug today..... hopefully there will be another one tomorrow....
I am thankful today for my God candle... which reminds me of light, and connection, and warmth.....
For a cooked hot meal provided for tea, and enough for tomorrow night as well......
For an afternoon sleep......
For my medication.....
For a hug today..... hopefully there will be another one tomorrow....
Monday, May 23, 2011
Gratitude
8.15 am, 23.5.11. Monday
I have been thinking about gratitude again this past week, and remembering how I was using this blog as a gratitude journal, when I started nearly a year ago... What happened? I wonder? I know that being grateful got more difficult somehow... or maybe it was the writing it down... in cyberspace that got more difficult.
I am grateful for people and events in my life, which have 'made a difference'... there are so many people.. How can I imagine that I am isolated and alone... as I so often feel? My counsellor says that when I think of the things I'm grateful for, the key is to remember with my feelings and not just my mind... as that is all part of retraining the neural pathways towards positive thinking rather than negative.
Another mentor and guide says that imagining a good experience, with all your senses, does the same thing to your brain as actually experiencing it... Goodness me!
I remember one of my early counsellor's suggesting that when I feel loved to relish that experience and hold on to it, and remember..."This is what it feels like to feel loved" (Yes, that was you HRF)...
I am grateful today for these mentors and guides whose lives have impacted mine... in ways they can't even know about.
I am grateful for the everyday friends, who show me through a word, a hug, a smile, an email, a phone call, a text message... that I do matter.... Something that I find really hard to hold on to.
I am grateful for an opportunity to do some more drawing... and the challenge to be more creative and expressive in my drawing...
I am grateful for the mystery of waiting between Easter and Pentecost...
And I am grateful for a Nescafe Mocha in my big mug... for a morning drink to linger over and savour. :-)
I have been thinking about gratitude again this past week, and remembering how I was using this blog as a gratitude journal, when I started nearly a year ago... What happened? I wonder? I know that being grateful got more difficult somehow... or maybe it was the writing it down... in cyberspace that got more difficult.
I am grateful for people and events in my life, which have 'made a difference'... there are so many people.. How can I imagine that I am isolated and alone... as I so often feel? My counsellor says that when I think of the things I'm grateful for, the key is to remember with my feelings and not just my mind... as that is all part of retraining the neural pathways towards positive thinking rather than negative.
Another mentor and guide says that imagining a good experience, with all your senses, does the same thing to your brain as actually experiencing it... Goodness me!
I remember one of my early counsellor's suggesting that when I feel loved to relish that experience and hold on to it, and remember..."This is what it feels like to feel loved" (Yes, that was you HRF)...
I am grateful today for these mentors and guides whose lives have impacted mine... in ways they can't even know about.
I am grateful for the everyday friends, who show me through a word, a hug, a smile, an email, a phone call, a text message... that I do matter.... Something that I find really hard to hold on to.
I am grateful for an opportunity to do some more drawing... and the challenge to be more creative and expressive in my drawing...
I am grateful for the mystery of waiting between Easter and Pentecost...
And I am grateful for a Nescafe Mocha in my big mug... for a morning drink to linger over and savour. :-)
Wednesday, May 4, 2011
Nourishment?
21.30. 3.5.11. Wednesday...
Have been thinking about preparing a study on the Topic.. Jesus said, "I am the Bread of Life". Was thinking about it at a contemplative prayer service tonight, as I looked at the bread and wine for communion... The question that came to mind was one about nourishment.
What nourishes me?
What depletes me?
What can I do about it?
I know I am nourished by food and water... sometimes too much of the wrong sort, and often not very nourishing really... something to do something about?
I am nourished most of all by connection with significant others, yet I know that my difficulty in connecting with myself, mean that all the other connections are never enough....
I get discouraged about that often.....
I am discouraged about that right now....
Have been working hard on preparing for further anger work over the past few days... see my counsellor on Friday morning.... trepidation, anticipation, bleakness, lostness, wondering, fear, running away, running back....
Hmmmmmmmm...........................................................
Have been thinking about preparing a study on the Topic.. Jesus said, "I am the Bread of Life". Was thinking about it at a contemplative prayer service tonight, as I looked at the bread and wine for communion... The question that came to mind was one about nourishment.
What nourishes me?
What depletes me?
What can I do about it?
I know I am nourished by food and water... sometimes too much of the wrong sort, and often not very nourishing really... something to do something about?
I am nourished most of all by connection with significant others, yet I know that my difficulty in connecting with myself, mean that all the other connections are never enough....
I get discouraged about that often.....
I am discouraged about that right now....
Have been working hard on preparing for further anger work over the past few days... see my counsellor on Friday morning.... trepidation, anticipation, bleakness, lostness, wondering, fear, running away, running back....
Hmmmmmmmm...........................................................
Sunday, May 1, 2011
Africa...
8.45. 1.5.11. Sunday...
Woke up dreaming of telling someone the story of the first year in Madagascar today... I was so angry as I told of how we received so little support and help.
Madagascar and time at Rift Valley invade my dreams so very often, almost every night... so many bombs, and chases, and blown up airplanes... Loneliness, unsettledness, and fear.
Sometimes it makes waking up to a new day, a little difficult. I am thinking of arranging to talk to a pastoral mentor type person about the Africa experiences, and try and process, a little, the trauma and damage of those times.
I know there were a lot of good times too, and positive memories, but they are overlaid with isolation and fear.
Planning approaching some significant anger work with my counsellor this next Friday... It feels like it has already started, as I prepare the symbols and think about the feelings. I know I need to let them be, on a shelf... until the time... but it is hard...
That's enough for today...
Woke up dreaming of telling someone the story of the first year in Madagascar today... I was so angry as I told of how we received so little support and help.
Madagascar and time at Rift Valley invade my dreams so very often, almost every night... so many bombs, and chases, and blown up airplanes... Loneliness, unsettledness, and fear.
Sometimes it makes waking up to a new day, a little difficult. I am thinking of arranging to talk to a pastoral mentor type person about the Africa experiences, and try and process, a little, the trauma and damage of those times.
I know there were a lot of good times too, and positive memories, but they are overlaid with isolation and fear.
Planning approaching some significant anger work with my counsellor this next Friday... It feels like it has already started, as I prepare the symbols and think about the feelings. I know I need to let them be, on a shelf... until the time... but it is hard...
That's enough for today...
Sunday, April 24, 2011
Easter....
5.00 pm 24.4.11, Sunday...
Easter... Pasque... Passion...
Preparation, community, betrayal...
Suffering, death, darkness, burial...
Grief and waiting... Black Saturday...
Some of us stay in Black Saturday for a long time.... Jesus' friends didn't know that Sunday was coming...
Does the fact that today, we know the next step in the story... really make any difference????
Sometimes sitting with the closed tomb, is the best I can do...
Easter... Pasque... Passion...
Preparation, community, betrayal...
Suffering, death, darkness, burial...
Grief and waiting... Black Saturday...
Some of us stay in Black Saturday for a long time.... Jesus' friends didn't know that Sunday was coming...
Does the fact that today, we know the next step in the story... really make any difference????
Sometimes sitting with the closed tomb, is the best I can do...
Sunday, April 10, 2011
Autumn
12.30. 10.4.11. Sunday.
I was leading a study a few weeks ago, about Noah and the Flood... I was glad to be reminded that God promised that springtime and harvest, summer and winter, day and night... will last as long as the world does.
I think I have been in autumn for a long time... Is it possible to go from autumn to spring..???? I guess winter is the time when new things are getting ready to grow. Maybe I don't want to skip that!
Mum is doing okay... still not allowed to walk on her leg.
I have been struggling with some big issues the past month... and I don't suppose that the struggle is over yet. But I'm glad of a tiny couple of days without the high tension and anxiety, darkness and despair.
As I do my gratitude exercise most days for Lent...
I am grateful most often for connections with people, and things that I have that help make those connections possible...
I am also thankful for my helpers... I am in the process of ditching my psychiatrist... it hasn't really been working for me for a long time... too bad that Loyalty is one of my very strong values!
Am under the GP's care now, until a new pdoc can be organised.
I am grateful that things are working out with my house mate.
I am grateful that I've found some candles to use, until I can get some new ones...
I am grateful that Mama God will provide for what I need too, even though I can't see how that can happen.
Hugs for everyone...
I was leading a study a few weeks ago, about Noah and the Flood... I was glad to be reminded that God promised that springtime and harvest, summer and winter, day and night... will last as long as the world does.
I think I have been in autumn for a long time... Is it possible to go from autumn to spring..???? I guess winter is the time when new things are getting ready to grow. Maybe I don't want to skip that!
Mum is doing okay... still not allowed to walk on her leg.
I have been struggling with some big issues the past month... and I don't suppose that the struggle is over yet. But I'm glad of a tiny couple of days without the high tension and anxiety, darkness and despair.
As I do my gratitude exercise most days for Lent...
I am grateful most often for connections with people, and things that I have that help make those connections possible...
I am also thankful for my helpers... I am in the process of ditching my psychiatrist... it hasn't really been working for me for a long time... too bad that Loyalty is one of my very strong values!
Am under the GP's care now, until a new pdoc can be organised.
I am grateful that things are working out with my house mate.
I am grateful that I've found some candles to use, until I can get some new ones...
I am grateful that Mama God will provide for what I need too, even though I can't see how that can happen.
Hugs for everyone...
Wednesday, March 23, 2011
Struggling
8.30, 23.3.11. Wednesday
Yes, I haven't written for a while...
Don't have much to say today...
Mum has been discharged from hospital...
I haven't spoken to her since then...
Have been trying to keep to my 'Lentan Fast' of breathing and gratitude at least once a day...
Don't seem to be able to do everything I feel I need to be doing..
Need a hug...
Yes, I haven't written for a while...
Don't have much to say today...
Mum has been discharged from hospital...
I haven't spoken to her since then...
Have been trying to keep to my 'Lentan Fast' of breathing and gratitude at least once a day...
Don't seem to be able to do everything I feel I need to be doing..
Need a hug...
Saturday, March 12, 2011
My mum
Saturday. 8.00 am 12.3.11
Mum had a fall on Tuesday evening and badly broke her leg. She had to wait in hospital for 3 days before the traction would straighten it enough for the operation. She was in theatre for about 5 hours yesterday afternoon and evening, but has come through that so far.
I will be going down to stay with a friend who lives half an hour's drive from Geelong, this afternoon and she will come with me to see mum on Sunday and Monday. If mum starts to recover, I will come home next Tuesday. I am taking enough clothes and medication for all contingencies.
I am so grateful for my friend's support and help... as I have been really very stressed and shaky about it all.
Today is washing some clothes, morning tea with another friend, and then off to J's.
Breathe, and let go... breathe and let go... and don't jump ahead to the worst case scenario....
I'm trying....
Mum had a fall on Tuesday evening and badly broke her leg. She had to wait in hospital for 3 days before the traction would straighten it enough for the operation. She was in theatre for about 5 hours yesterday afternoon and evening, but has come through that so far.
I will be going down to stay with a friend who lives half an hour's drive from Geelong, this afternoon and she will come with me to see mum on Sunday and Monday. If mum starts to recover, I will come home next Tuesday. I am taking enough clothes and medication for all contingencies.
I am so grateful for my friend's support and help... as I have been really very stressed and shaky about it all.
Today is washing some clothes, morning tea with another friend, and then off to J's.
Breathe, and let go... breathe and let go... and don't jump ahead to the worst case scenario....
I'm trying....
Thursday, March 10, 2011
Shame
4.00 pm Thursday, 10.3.11
Was talking about shame with my counsellor today. I asked her what the antidote to shame is? I know the antidote to guilt... confession and forgiveness and reconciliation... but what about shame?
I often feel so much shame about my ongoing mental health difficulties and lack of capacity...
J said that maybe part of the way to approach shame is to 'take the power back'. We are ashamed when we feel exposed to others, and maybe they don't accept us, or maybe they ridicule us... Then we want to hide... If we can change the focus from 'exposure' to revelation... where I have the control of what I share... then maybe my shame can change to acceptance.
I am aware that for these changes to take place, there needs to be an essential shift in my experience of my depression and anxiety - a change in attitude from 'disability' to 'gift'... Is it possible to make that shift????
We also talked about the dark chasm that I feel separates me from 'all others'... and leaves me isolated on a tiny planet in out of space. J asked me what the darkness is... It was a struggle to find the answer... but it seems that it is lack of trust, and suspicion. She said that this was an appropriate response when my world was so unsafe... but maybe if I can learn to befriend the darkness and find a way to be grateful for the place it has played in my world... maybe it will change in substance...
I went to an Ash Wednesday service last night and was anointed with the sign of the cross on my forehead with ashes, along with all the others there. There was something very powerful in seeing the others come back from the altar with the communal ash markings on their foreheads... we are all dust and ashes... and waiting for the resurrection.
Was talking about shame with my counsellor today. I asked her what the antidote to shame is? I know the antidote to guilt... confession and forgiveness and reconciliation... but what about shame?
I often feel so much shame about my ongoing mental health difficulties and lack of capacity...
J said that maybe part of the way to approach shame is to 'take the power back'. We are ashamed when we feel exposed to others, and maybe they don't accept us, or maybe they ridicule us... Then we want to hide... If we can change the focus from 'exposure' to revelation... where I have the control of what I share... then maybe my shame can change to acceptance.
I am aware that for these changes to take place, there needs to be an essential shift in my experience of my depression and anxiety - a change in attitude from 'disability' to 'gift'... Is it possible to make that shift????
We also talked about the dark chasm that I feel separates me from 'all others'... and leaves me isolated on a tiny planet in out of space. J asked me what the darkness is... It was a struggle to find the answer... but it seems that it is lack of trust, and suspicion. She said that this was an appropriate response when my world was so unsafe... but maybe if I can learn to befriend the darkness and find a way to be grateful for the place it has played in my world... maybe it will change in substance...
I went to an Ash Wednesday service last night and was anointed with the sign of the cross on my forehead with ashes, along with all the others there. There was something very powerful in seeing the others come back from the altar with the communal ash markings on their foreheads... we are all dust and ashes... and waiting for the resurrection.
Tuesday, March 8, 2011
Gratitude
5.30 pm, Tuesday 8.3.11
Today is a public holiday for women in some parts of the world... including Madagascar.. Sometime equal rights make us lose something too... :-). It is Woman's Day.
I saw my counsellor yesterday... things were difficult on the weekend... she was helpful, as always... (I cried...) now that is rare for me!
We talked about Lent and Ash Wednesday being tomorrow. I have found a church here, where I can go to a service to be anointed with ashes as the start of Lent... Ashes to ashes... dust to dust. It is good to remember that I am 'but dust'... and Father/Mother God cares about me...
J suggested that I commit to gratitude for the season on Lent... to take time, at least morning and night... to relive those things I'm grateful for from the day... My other friend says that imagining positive experiences has the same affect on our brains as actually experiencing them... so if I relive my grateful things... then I can help make a pathway in my brain towards more positive thinking and feeling... the more often I do it.. the more defined the pathway becomes.
I know there are days when it is going to be really hard to do this...
Today I am grateful for my good friends...
For lunch with a friend, who blessed me with listening ears as I rabbited on...
For starting a new drawing...
For listening to music..
And for the potential of the experience at the Bible Study tonight...
Today is a public holiday for women in some parts of the world... including Madagascar.. Sometime equal rights make us lose something too... :-). It is Woman's Day.
I saw my counsellor yesterday... things were difficult on the weekend... she was helpful, as always... (I cried...) now that is rare for me!
We talked about Lent and Ash Wednesday being tomorrow. I have found a church here, where I can go to a service to be anointed with ashes as the start of Lent... Ashes to ashes... dust to dust. It is good to remember that I am 'but dust'... and Father/Mother God cares about me...
J suggested that I commit to gratitude for the season on Lent... to take time, at least morning and night... to relive those things I'm grateful for from the day... My other friend says that imagining positive experiences has the same affect on our brains as actually experiencing them... so if I relive my grateful things... then I can help make a pathway in my brain towards more positive thinking and feeling... the more often I do it.. the more defined the pathway becomes.
I know there are days when it is going to be really hard to do this...
Today I am grateful for my good friends...
For lunch with a friend, who blessed me with listening ears as I rabbited on...
For starting a new drawing...
For listening to music..
And for the potential of the experience at the Bible Study tonight...
Saturday, March 5, 2011
Sunny Saturday
4.00 pm Saturday. 5.3.11
Listening to a CD is good.
Having my candle burning is good.
A sunny day for the washing is good.
Nice time with a friend over lunch is good.
A nice cup of special coffee is good.
Being able to think about things.... I think that is good.
That I am feeling a little more settled today, than I was yesterday... is also good.
Hugs to everyone... don't forget to hug those single people you know!
Listening to a CD is good.
Having my candle burning is good.
A sunny day for the washing is good.
Nice time with a friend over lunch is good.
A nice cup of special coffee is good.
Being able to think about things.... I think that is good.
That I am feeling a little more settled today, than I was yesterday... is also good.
Hugs to everyone... don't forget to hug those single people you know!
Tuesday, March 1, 2011
Grateful for a public health system
4.50 pm Tuesday, 1.3.11
So.. I went through the unpleasant experience of colonoscopy prep on Sunday and yesterday morning, and then had the scope and a gastropscopy as well yesterday afternoon. As I said, I'm grateful for a public health system, which sometimes does well. The staff were friendlier and more respectful than at the endoscopy clinic where I have been before.
It was a routine screening procedure.. and I see the GP on Friday for the results.
Today is the first day of autumn... I was preparing a study for Genesis 6-9 a little while ago, and was reminded how the seasons and days will continue until God comes again... I wish I was as confident that the seasons in my emotional and mental life would be as predictable and sure.
I guess it has proved consistent that the dark days don't last forever, but then, neither do the brighter ones.
I am thankful for my God candle, for my blankie, for a washing machine, and for my good friends, and my car, even though it needed major repairs again last week.
So.. I went through the unpleasant experience of colonoscopy prep on Sunday and yesterday morning, and then had the scope and a gastropscopy as well yesterday afternoon. As I said, I'm grateful for a public health system, which sometimes does well. The staff were friendlier and more respectful than at the endoscopy clinic where I have been before.
It was a routine screening procedure.. and I see the GP on Friday for the results.
Today is the first day of autumn... I was preparing a study for Genesis 6-9 a little while ago, and was reminded how the seasons and days will continue until God comes again... I wish I was as confident that the seasons in my emotional and mental life would be as predictable and sure.
I guess it has proved consistent that the dark days don't last forever, but then, neither do the brighter ones.
I am thankful for my God candle, for my blankie, for a washing machine, and for my good friends, and my car, even though it needed major repairs again last week.
Thursday, February 24, 2011
Thinking...
11.30 am Thursday, February 24, 2011
I wish the quietness in my mouth, was mirrored in my heart and mind...
Been having trouble sleeping again... At least last night was a bit better...
The sun is shining today.. and yes the mower people are coming again. One day, I will get a place that doesn't have much lawn! But for now, I'm thankful for having a place to live, that isn't rubble!
I saw my friend off to Madagascar yesterday, together with her two Malagasy friends, who were visiting. So I spoke Malagasy again, for the first time in 4 years. It was surreal to see them go.. and to know that it is a long time before I will be able to go back there to visit.
Cultivate a grateful heart... hey!
I wish the quietness in my mouth, was mirrored in my heart and mind...
Been having trouble sleeping again... At least last night was a bit better...
The sun is shining today.. and yes the mower people are coming again. One day, I will get a place that doesn't have much lawn! But for now, I'm thankful for having a place to live, that isn't rubble!
I saw my friend off to Madagascar yesterday, together with her two Malagasy friends, who were visiting. So I spoke Malagasy again, for the first time in 4 years. It was surreal to see them go.. and to know that it is a long time before I will be able to go back there to visit.
Cultivate a grateful heart... hey!
Saturday, February 19, 2011
Quiet?
10.30 Saturday, 19 February 2011...
Wow, it has been a while... Not that I haven't thought, most days, about writing something... But ...
Somehow the words just haven't been there... My focus has been more on 'outward' things this past week.
I led my first Bible Study in 9 years on Tuesday night.. and it was okay.. good, even.
Then, I did the Community Care at the community shop on Wednesday morning.. There are some sad stories... and some made up ones!
Some of the reading I've been doing this week... raised the question for me about how I respond to people who are different and have different opinions from me... With judgement and divisiveness or with love and acceptance? I realised as the week went on, that I have a lot more trouble having patience and compassion for people who are self righteous and judgemental, than I do for the fringe and struggling people of our world.
Then, my house leaked on Wednesday night... just as well that the landlord is here today to clean the gutters!
Wow, it has been a while... Not that I haven't thought, most days, about writing something... But ...
Somehow the words just haven't been there... My focus has been more on 'outward' things this past week.
I led my first Bible Study in 9 years on Tuesday night.. and it was okay.. good, even.
Then, I did the Community Care at the community shop on Wednesday morning.. There are some sad stories... and some made up ones!
Some of the reading I've been doing this week... raised the question for me about how I respond to people who are different and have different opinions from me... With judgement and divisiveness or with love and acceptance? I realised as the week went on, that I have a lot more trouble having patience and compassion for people who are self righteous and judgemental, than I do for the fringe and struggling people of our world.
Then, my house leaked on Wednesday night... just as well that the landlord is here today to clean the gutters!
Friday, February 11, 2011
Thinking again...
4.35 pm, Friday, Feb 11, 2011.
I have just lit my 'God candle' - It has been another huge day. Went and saw my counsellor this morning - with very few words that I could find, about my experiences this week... but she helped me find some.
I was thinking yesterday - about beginning to know, just a very tiny bit, about the relentless pursuit of God's love for me (and everyone)... I was thinking, in a moment, when I was doubting that love again... that my belief or subjective experience of his/her love, doesn't change the reality of it. That his/her love continues steadfastly, even when I feel isolated, alone, and despairing. There have been a number of those moments this week... but also moments of consolation...
May I never stop learning, reflecting and growing...
I am thankful today for a connecting time with J this morning.
For a bit of time with my friends, over lunch.
For a rest this afternoon.
For a bit of a break from the heat and humidity.
For hot tea, and a chocolate chip biscuit. :-)
I have just lit my 'God candle' - It has been another huge day. Went and saw my counsellor this morning - with very few words that I could find, about my experiences this week... but she helped me find some.
I was thinking yesterday - about beginning to know, just a very tiny bit, about the relentless pursuit of God's love for me (and everyone)... I was thinking, in a moment, when I was doubting that love again... that my belief or subjective experience of his/her love, doesn't change the reality of it. That his/her love continues steadfastly, even when I feel isolated, alone, and despairing. There have been a number of those moments this week... but also moments of consolation...
May I never stop learning, reflecting and growing...
I am thankful today for a connecting time with J this morning.
For a bit of time with my friends, over lunch.
For a rest this afternoon.
For a bit of a break from the heat and humidity.
For hot tea, and a chocolate chip biscuit. :-)
Thursday, February 10, 2011
Sleep... and new opportunities
8.30 am, Thursday, February 10, 2011
What a relief... I slept so much better last night - no lying awake and needing to get up. Just a trip to the loo and back to bed and back to sleep, until nearly 7.00. It makes a difference.
On Tuesday, it was 13 years since my dad died of cancer. I don't think that is why I haven't been sleeping this week ... but it is something to reflect on. He bequeathed many good things to me, and I often wanted to be like him.
I thought I was starting as a Community Carer at our Community Op Shop yesterday - and we had our group meeting - but someone else couldn't do his normal day, today - and said he would do yesterday. I was relieved as I was so tired and anxious that I couldn't think straight. So I will do 2 to 3 hours today. I wonder who will come in for help with food parcels and other things?
I was struck yesterday in the meeting as the others discussed some of the clients they have, and the issues with these clients... that "I have done this before".. The Community Ministries Pastor explained the protocol for helping people.. and I realised that it is so similar to what Anna and I had come up with in Madagascar - where we had a steady stream of people coming to our door needing assistance. I am not unfamiliar with the stories - some so tragically true, and others creatively false. I trust that I can slip into that groove again this morning.
I am thankful for rest over night.
That I don't feel quite so desperate today.
The someone is coming to cut the lawn this morning - with a motor mower!!!
That K, my new house mate, seems to be settling in okay - her mother is staying for a few more days.
That I can be thankful.
What a relief... I slept so much better last night - no lying awake and needing to get up. Just a trip to the loo and back to bed and back to sleep, until nearly 7.00. It makes a difference.
On Tuesday, it was 13 years since my dad died of cancer. I don't think that is why I haven't been sleeping this week ... but it is something to reflect on. He bequeathed many good things to me, and I often wanted to be like him.
I thought I was starting as a Community Carer at our Community Op Shop yesterday - and we had our group meeting - but someone else couldn't do his normal day, today - and said he would do yesterday. I was relieved as I was so tired and anxious that I couldn't think straight. So I will do 2 to 3 hours today. I wonder who will come in for help with food parcels and other things?
I was struck yesterday in the meeting as the others discussed some of the clients they have, and the issues with these clients... that "I have done this before".. The Community Ministries Pastor explained the protocol for helping people.. and I realised that it is so similar to what Anna and I had come up with in Madagascar - where we had a steady stream of people coming to our door needing assistance. I am not unfamiliar with the stories - some so tragically true, and others creatively false. I trust that I can slip into that groove again this morning.
I am thankful for rest over night.
That I don't feel quite so desperate today.
The someone is coming to cut the lawn this morning - with a motor mower!!!
That K, my new house mate, seems to be settling in okay - her mother is staying for a few more days.
That I can be thankful.
Tuesday, February 8, 2011
Awake too early again
9.45 am, Tuesday, February 8, 2011.
I am developing this distressing habit of waking up at about 4.00, and not being able to settle to sleep again, until I have been up for an hour or two, and had my morning medication. It is very annoying and this morning was particularly distressing.
I went and did filing at my friend's business for a couple of hours yesterday, after a morning appointment - and it wiped me out. I am very disappointed to have to realise that I may not be able to continue with this commitment, especially in light of the other commitments I am making this term.
My new house mate moves in today - that will be another adjustment. I think it will be okay. She is a nice young lady and I will be glad of an improvement in my financial situation.
I am starting my role as a community carer at our church's community shop tomorrow morning. I will be interviewing people who come for food parcels and financial help for 3 hours a week. Tonight is the first small group meeting as well - a social one this time... but next week, I will be starting leading studies on Genesis 1-11. I have prepared 4 of the 9 studies I want to lead with that group.
Things to do...
Make some more room in the kitchen cupboards.
Bring the bin around from the front.
Bring my towel in from the line.
Brush my teeth.
Organise the study printouts for tonight.
Remember to take deep breathes, when I feel the tension rising.
I am thankful for friends.
I am developing this distressing habit of waking up at about 4.00, and not being able to settle to sleep again, until I have been up for an hour or two, and had my morning medication. It is very annoying and this morning was particularly distressing.
I went and did filing at my friend's business for a couple of hours yesterday, after a morning appointment - and it wiped me out. I am very disappointed to have to realise that I may not be able to continue with this commitment, especially in light of the other commitments I am making this term.
My new house mate moves in today - that will be another adjustment. I think it will be okay. She is a nice young lady and I will be glad of an improvement in my financial situation.
I am starting my role as a community carer at our church's community shop tomorrow morning. I will be interviewing people who come for food parcels and financial help for 3 hours a week. Tonight is the first small group meeting as well - a social one this time... but next week, I will be starting leading studies on Genesis 1-11. I have prepared 4 of the 9 studies I want to lead with that group.
Things to do...
Make some more room in the kitchen cupboards.
Bring the bin around from the front.
Bring my towel in from the line.
Brush my teeth.
Organise the study printouts for tonight.
Remember to take deep breathes, when I feel the tension rising.
I am thankful for friends.
Saturday, February 5, 2011
New Day
4.20 Saturday, Feb 5, 2011
It might be afternoon... but today has been a new day. I had a really difficult day yesterday and it was a struggle to make good choices about how to get through it...
But my sleep wasn't too bad and today is better.
I've spent some time this morning helping a friend get her house ready for sale soon... and we had a good talking and connecting time as well. So something useful, as well as nice, and her clothes dryer dried my clothes. It is very wet here these few days.
It is nice that it is a bit cooler too. I have my snuggle shawl around my shoulders, and trackies on, and socks. It is nice to be a bit snuggly.
I was talking to my counsellor yesterday about how even good days don't seem to help me a lot.. the sense of connectedness is so hard to hold on to. She said that gratitude is one way to hold onto the good moments. I will try and savour the things I am thankful for...
I am thankful for being 'snuggly'.
I am thankful for some connection today.
I am thankful that someone will be able to mow my lawns next week.
I am thankful that I made it through yesterday safely.....
It might be afternoon... but today has been a new day. I had a really difficult day yesterday and it was a struggle to make good choices about how to get through it...
But my sleep wasn't too bad and today is better.
I've spent some time this morning helping a friend get her house ready for sale soon... and we had a good talking and connecting time as well. So something useful, as well as nice, and her clothes dryer dried my clothes. It is very wet here these few days.
It is nice that it is a bit cooler too. I have my snuggle shawl around my shoulders, and trackies on, and socks. It is nice to be a bit snuggly.
I was talking to my counsellor yesterday about how even good days don't seem to help me a lot.. the sense of connectedness is so hard to hold on to. She said that gratitude is one way to hold onto the good moments. I will try and savour the things I am thankful for...
I am thankful for being 'snuggly'.
I am thankful for some connection today.
I am thankful that someone will be able to mow my lawns next week.
I am thankful that I made it through yesterday safely.....
Wednesday, February 2, 2011
5.00 pm, Wednesday, Feb 2, 2011
It's hot here... going to be very wet and windy up north... hot for the rest of the week in Sydney.. So I guess it means we are part of the environment - and however we think we can control it... we can't really.
I have been thinking I need to do a thankful list again... but struggling to have that sense of gratitude in any concrete things...
I am thankful for my fan... and that I could be in a friend's air-conditioning yesterday.
I am thankful that my back lawn will be mown eventually.
I am thankful that I have been able to read a bit the past month or so.
I am thankful for the care and concern of my friends... and their generosity to me.
I think I'm thankful that I'm still here...
I have been thinking I need to do a thankful list again... but struggling to have that sense of gratitude in any concrete things...
I am thankful for my fan... and that I could be in a friend's air-conditioning yesterday.
I am thankful that my back lawn will be mown eventually.
I am thankful that I have been able to read a bit the past month or so.
I am thankful for the care and concern of my friends... and their generosity to me.
I think I'm thankful that I'm still here...
Friday, January 28, 2011
Waiting
5.30 pm Friday, Jan 28, 2011
Tough days...
Waiting...
Sometimes the answer to the questions is in the space of the waiting...
They are different to the expected...
How to be present, in the present?????
However uncomfortable that may be?
Tough days...
Waiting...
Sometimes the answer to the questions is in the space of the waiting...
They are different to the expected...
How to be present, in the present?????
However uncomfortable that may be?
Sunday, January 23, 2011
Interesting thought
9.00 am, Sunday, Jan 23, 2011
I just had an interesting, and possibly helpful thought.
Just because I may come to experience God's boundless love for me, doesn't necessarily mean that I will be cured from my depression and anxiety. I think I have thought that it does.
Maybe this realisation will help me to be more open to receiving the love that is offered, and to continue to learn how to be in the 'now' which is where God always is... and where there is some hope that my symptoms may be more manageable, and even decrease.
Being in the now, is always a good plan - and one I'm not very good at, as my mind and heart leap forward with all the 'what ifs'. I can't do anything about them - and at the moment, I am fed, sheltered, warm (too hot sometimes), and even loved. There is so much richness in my life.
In that book, that I am reading I read that as we learn to be gentle with ourselves, we can be gentle and tolerant with others - which is one thing I value highly.
I often felt (and still feel sometimes) invisible, and valueless ... I want to 'see' the people I meet each day - then maybe I will even see the loveliness in the ones I find it difficult to be around.
Mmmmmmmmm!
I just had an interesting, and possibly helpful thought.
Just because I may come to experience God's boundless love for me, doesn't necessarily mean that I will be cured from my depression and anxiety. I think I have thought that it does.
Maybe this realisation will help me to be more open to receiving the love that is offered, and to continue to learn how to be in the 'now' which is where God always is... and where there is some hope that my symptoms may be more manageable, and even decrease.
Being in the now, is always a good plan - and one I'm not very good at, as my mind and heart leap forward with all the 'what ifs'. I can't do anything about them - and at the moment, I am fed, sheltered, warm (too hot sometimes), and even loved. There is so much richness in my life.
In that book, that I am reading I read that as we learn to be gentle with ourselves, we can be gentle and tolerant with others - which is one thing I value highly.
I often felt (and still feel sometimes) invisible, and valueless ... I want to 'see' the people I meet each day - then maybe I will even see the loveliness in the ones I find it difficult to be around.
Mmmmmmmmm!
Saturday, January 22, 2011
The Ragamaffin Gospel
5.00 am Saturday, Jan 22, 2011
Though the Scriptures insist on God's initiative in the work of salvation... our spirituality often starts with self, not God. Personal responsibility has replaced personal response. We talk about acquiring a virtue as if it were a skill that can be attained, like good handwriting or a well-groomed golf swing... (pg 17).
The saved sinner is prostrate in adoration, lost in wonder and praise. She knows repentance is not what we do in order to earn forgiveness; it is what we do because we have been forgiven. It serves as an expression of gratitude rather than an effort to earn forgiveness. Thus the sequence of forgiveness and then repentance, rather than repentance and then forgiveness, is crucial for understanding the gospel of grace. (pg 75).
Brennan Manning, The Ragamuffin Gospel, Multnomah Books, Colorado Springs, 2005.
This is a book I'm reading now... I found that last paragraph particularly enlightening. I know I have a long standing tendancy to feel I have to earn God's love, somehow or another - this book is reminding me that God loves and delights in ragamuffins and sinners. They are the ones he likes to sit at the table and eat a meal with. So I don't have to worry about 'being good enough'. I can just be me... and God loves me.
I hope I can learn that in my heart as well as in my head!
There have been some challenging days recently -
But I'm still here, and still learning...
Though the Scriptures insist on God's initiative in the work of salvation... our spirituality often starts with self, not God. Personal responsibility has replaced personal response. We talk about acquiring a virtue as if it were a skill that can be attained, like good handwriting or a well-groomed golf swing... (pg 17).
The saved sinner is prostrate in adoration, lost in wonder and praise. She knows repentance is not what we do in order to earn forgiveness; it is what we do because we have been forgiven. It serves as an expression of gratitude rather than an effort to earn forgiveness. Thus the sequence of forgiveness and then repentance, rather than repentance and then forgiveness, is crucial for understanding the gospel of grace. (pg 75).
Brennan Manning, The Ragamuffin Gospel, Multnomah Books, Colorado Springs, 2005.
This is a book I'm reading now... I found that last paragraph particularly enlightening. I know I have a long standing tendancy to feel I have to earn God's love, somehow or another - this book is reminding me that God loves and delights in ragamuffins and sinners. They are the ones he likes to sit at the table and eat a meal with. So I don't have to worry about 'being good enough'. I can just be me... and God loves me.
I hope I can learn that in my heart as well as in my head!
There have been some challenging days recently -
But I'm still here, and still learning...
Wednesday, January 19, 2011
Mental health
2.45 pm, Wednesday, Jan 19, 2011
Why is it that it so much more difficult to accept my mental health illness, than it would be if it were some physical illness?
Why do I feel so ashamed about suffering from depresssion, anxiety and Post Traumatic Stress?
I have tried for most of my life to ignore it, to live well, to grasp life with two hands, to try new things, to not miss opportunities - yet here I am at nearly 50, unable to work because the pressure makes me think and do unhelpful things. I thought it would only be for a while... I thought the anxiety would lift... I thought the bleakness and the bad dreams would be a memory I could put behind me.
I guess it is like any chronic illness - you learn to manage it.
I manage mine with therapy and drugs, and a persistant effort to connect with people every day.
I manage it with using the internet, sitting at the cafe in our church's community op shop, trying to be proactive in doing the things that I'm able to do, and to be gentle with myself, when I can't.
At least I have been able to read a bit over the past month or so - that is a change - guess I can take courage in that.
I just read on someone else's blog about Jesus being compassionate on the outcasts and forgotten people of his time...
Guess I can remember that he hasn't forgotten about me.
Why is it that it so much more difficult to accept my mental health illness, than it would be if it were some physical illness?
Why do I feel so ashamed about suffering from depresssion, anxiety and Post Traumatic Stress?
I have tried for most of my life to ignore it, to live well, to grasp life with two hands, to try new things, to not miss opportunities - yet here I am at nearly 50, unable to work because the pressure makes me think and do unhelpful things. I thought it would only be for a while... I thought the anxiety would lift... I thought the bleakness and the bad dreams would be a memory I could put behind me.
I guess it is like any chronic illness - you learn to manage it.
I manage mine with therapy and drugs, and a persistant effort to connect with people every day.
I manage it with using the internet, sitting at the cafe in our church's community op shop, trying to be proactive in doing the things that I'm able to do, and to be gentle with myself, when I can't.
At least I have been able to read a bit over the past month or so - that is a change - guess I can take courage in that.
I just read on someone else's blog about Jesus being compassionate on the outcasts and forgotten people of his time...
Guess I can remember that he hasn't forgotten about me.
Monday, January 17, 2011
Lawns!
12.30 Monday Jan 17, 2011
Had a friend over to stay Friday night, Saturday day.. She gave me the push mower - we worked very hard and got the back lawn mowed. I intended to do the front today - but was overcome, by the length - so went to borrow a friend's motor mower - then ended up getting a friend of a friend to come and mow all the grass - even what we had done on the weekend - so it is nice and low to start again. It is such a relief.
I am thankful for friends of friends and for motor mowers.
I am thankful that the tennis is on TV for the next couple of weeks.
I am thankful that I got through yesterday!
Had a friend over to stay Friday night, Saturday day.. She gave me the push mower - we worked very hard and got the back lawn mowed. I intended to do the front today - but was overcome, by the length - so went to borrow a friend's motor mower - then ended up getting a friend of a friend to come and mow all the grass - even what we had done on the weekend - so it is nice and low to start again. It is such a relief.
I am thankful for friends of friends and for motor mowers.
I am thankful that the tennis is on TV for the next couple of weeks.
I am thankful that I got through yesterday!
Thursday, January 13, 2011
Guess it is time I was thankful again!
9.15 am Thursday, Jan 13, 2011
I AM thankful that I live on a hill - and am never likely to be flooded - even if it makes taking a walk difficult.
I am thankful for my push mower - even though it has been too wet to do much with the grass the past week.
I am thankful for my God candle - which reminds me that God is present...
I am thankful for fans - to blow air on me on these hot humid days.
I am thankful for the promise of Papa God looking out for me ... even today, which seems to stretch so long ahead of me.
I am thankful that I am still here... and safe so far...
I AM thankful that I live on a hill - and am never likely to be flooded - even if it makes taking a walk difficult.
I am thankful for my push mower - even though it has been too wet to do much with the grass the past week.
I am thankful for my God candle - which reminds me that God is present...
I am thankful for fans - to blow air on me on these hot humid days.
I am thankful for the promise of Papa God looking out for me ... even today, which seems to stretch so long ahead of me.
I am thankful that I am still here... and safe so far...
Wednesday, January 12, 2011
Queensland floods
My heart aches for all the people being affected by the extreme flooding in Queenland.. especially those in the South East over the past few days.
I am thinking courage to all who struggle with mental illness and/or the elderly - as their lives, already fraught with difficulty are swamped by the crisis - Those actually physically affected, and those around the nation and the world, who are mentally affected as images trigger post traumatic stress and heighten anxiety levels.
I am thinking of myself as well -
Hugs to everyone...
Hope
I am thinking courage to all who struggle with mental illness and/or the elderly - as their lives, already fraught with difficulty are swamped by the crisis - Those actually physically affected, and those around the nation and the world, who are mentally affected as images trigger post traumatic stress and heighten anxiety levels.
I am thinking of myself as well -
Hugs to everyone...
Hope
Monday, January 10, 2011
Huge day
6.00 pm Monday Jan 10.
I have had a huge day - lots of discussion and lots of thinking... It is doing my head in.
A quiet night with the TV tonight, I think.
I hope I will be okay.....
At least someone had provided me with a roast dinner... Yum... I will have to cook again soon.
I have had a huge day - lots of discussion and lots of thinking... It is doing my head in.
A quiet night with the TV tonight, I think.
I hope I will be okay.....
At least someone had provided me with a roast dinner... Yum... I will have to cook again soon.
Sunday, January 9, 2011
My family :-)
They had a much needed wash this week.
I'm sure I did a grandma as well... but somehow she seems to have gone missing.
I knitted these in 1993, while I was getting organised to go to Madagascar.
Saturday, January 8, 2011
Thankful....
12.00 midday, Saturday Jan 8.
I met my new boarder today - I think it is going to be okay - she will move in about Feb 5.
I am thankful - but feel sad today as well.
I have a plaque up on my wall that says: "Sambatra ny miantra fa izy no hiantrana". Matt 5.
Oh, that's right - you probably don't speak Malagasy - It translates: "Blessed are the merciful for they will be shown mercy".
I was given it by a couple in Madagascar, who had been burgled and we helped them with some things and some money - every time I look at it, I think of my heart to have compassion on people - it encourages me that God is having compassion on me - even when, often I don't feel like it much...
Read in a book yesterday - that hope isn't about mental certitudes, but rather about communion with the Unknown in the Naked Now...
Hmmmmmm......
I met my new boarder today - I think it is going to be okay - she will move in about Feb 5.
I am thankful - but feel sad today as well.
I have a plaque up on my wall that says: "Sambatra ny miantra fa izy no hiantrana". Matt 5.
Oh, that's right - you probably don't speak Malagasy - It translates: "Blessed are the merciful for they will be shown mercy".
I was given it by a couple in Madagascar, who had been burgled and we helped them with some things and some money - every time I look at it, I think of my heart to have compassion on people - it encourages me that God is having compassion on me - even when, often I don't feel like it much...
Read in a book yesterday - that hope isn't about mental certitudes, but rather about communion with the Unknown in the Naked Now...
Hmmmmmm......
Friday, January 7, 2011
To ride the bike or not to?
3.30 pm Friday
I sit here on a hot Friday afternoon - looking out the window at the last two rows of grass on my back lawn that I didn't get mowed this week - and thinking about how I need to find a way to get some exercise. I have a bike, that friends kindly provided for me 4 years ago. It hasn't been ridden much - Can I use it as an okay way to exercise - without so much trouble with the flies of summer, and the boredom of walking??? Hmmmmmm.
Saw J this morning - there was so much I could talk about - so I'm not sure I feel like we did anything very well. I certainly need to find someone, or a group of someones to talk more about the missionary stuff.
Then we spent more than half the time playing with the story of the Prodigal Son - telling it with the help of flannelette images - We discovered that both sons were angry - and we didn't really get past the going away from home of the younger son. I am angry too - I am angry at all the hard work, I have done for so many years - and yet, I'm still sick. My anger stops me from knowing God's love for me - even though he pours it out abundantly. I know that I'm really angry at other people... do I have the courage to accept this, and bring it to the present - and receive the healing that can come??? Challenge for 2011...
There are so many things to learn.
I sit here on a hot Friday afternoon - looking out the window at the last two rows of grass on my back lawn that I didn't get mowed this week - and thinking about how I need to find a way to get some exercise. I have a bike, that friends kindly provided for me 4 years ago. It hasn't been ridden much - Can I use it as an okay way to exercise - without so much trouble with the flies of summer, and the boredom of walking??? Hmmmmmm.
Saw J this morning - there was so much I could talk about - so I'm not sure I feel like we did anything very well. I certainly need to find someone, or a group of someones to talk more about the missionary stuff.
Then we spent more than half the time playing with the story of the Prodigal Son - telling it with the help of flannelette images - We discovered that both sons were angry - and we didn't really get past the going away from home of the younger son. I am angry too - I am angry at all the hard work, I have done for so many years - and yet, I'm still sick. My anger stops me from knowing God's love for me - even though he pours it out abundantly. I know that I'm really angry at other people... do I have the courage to accept this, and bring it to the present - and receive the healing that can come??? Challenge for 2011...
There are so many things to learn.
Thursday, January 6, 2011
A roller coaster week.
9.30 pm Thursday night...
For some reason - the text box for writing didn't open in the last entry - so you got an empty update.
I have gone from having the awareness on Sunday that I want to continue in Christian ministry - to being sure that there is no way I'm ready to go back to work yet - to talking to my Job Search lady today, and being encouraged to do a Cert IV in Workplace Assessment and Training - and feeling the pressure of maybe needing to commit to 12 weeks of study (if she can find government funding for me to do the course).
I went to see a GP about a script on Tuesday - and he opened the flood gates of my resentment at the mission for the abuse I suffered, both as a child and an adult - I hadn't even realised that I need to talk about this stuff. He has recommended a book to read about Spirituality, which it so happened, my pastor had a copy of when I saw him yesterday and I have borrowed it.
Provision has been made, amazingly unexpectedly to enable me to pay off my credit card from the car repairs back in November. I have been reminded of how arrogant it is for me to really, really know God's love for everyone else, and yet be so reluctant to embrace it for myself. Hope to work on that some more with the counsellor tomorrow.
In my talk with the pastor on Wednesday, other life changing issues have been raised - and I am grappling with new thoughts and feelings, and fear and trepidation.
My friend called an ambulance yesterday morning, because she had chest pain - and was in hospital all day for tests - no heart attack noted at this time... but a timely reminder that only I can look after my health.
I have struggled with staying safe this week... but come to Thursday night - and will be okay - and see J tomorrow morning - trust it will be a helpful session, and we'll know which of the many things I could talk about are the ones I need to talk about.
For some reason - the text box for writing didn't open in the last entry - so you got an empty update.
I have gone from having the awareness on Sunday that I want to continue in Christian ministry - to being sure that there is no way I'm ready to go back to work yet - to talking to my Job Search lady today, and being encouraged to do a Cert IV in Workplace Assessment and Training - and feeling the pressure of maybe needing to commit to 12 weeks of study (if she can find government funding for me to do the course).
I went to see a GP about a script on Tuesday - and he opened the flood gates of my resentment at the mission for the abuse I suffered, both as a child and an adult - I hadn't even realised that I need to talk about this stuff. He has recommended a book to read about Spirituality, which it so happened, my pastor had a copy of when I saw him yesterday and I have borrowed it.
Provision has been made, amazingly unexpectedly to enable me to pay off my credit card from the car repairs back in November. I have been reminded of how arrogant it is for me to really, really know God's love for everyone else, and yet be so reluctant to embrace it for myself. Hope to work on that some more with the counsellor tomorrow.
In my talk with the pastor on Wednesday, other life changing issues have been raised - and I am grappling with new thoughts and feelings, and fear and trepidation.
My friend called an ambulance yesterday morning, because she had chest pain - and was in hospital all day for tests - no heart attack noted at this time... but a timely reminder that only I can look after my health.
I have struggled with staying safe this week... but come to Thursday night - and will be okay - and see J tomorrow morning - trust it will be a helpful session, and we'll know which of the many things I could talk about are the ones I need to talk about.
Tuesday, January 4, 2011
Wishes
I wish I could start the New Year with more hope...
I wish I could find contentment...
I wish I knew what to do about work, if anything...
I wish I wouldn't feel so much pain and anxiety so much of the time...
I wish I didn't have bad dreams...
9.50 Tuesday morning...
I wish I could find contentment...
I wish I knew what to do about work, if anything...
I wish I wouldn't feel so much pain and anxiety so much of the time...
I wish I didn't have bad dreams...
9.50 Tuesday morning...
Saturday, January 1, 2011
Hugging a baby - less than 3 weeks old
New Year's Eve Pancake Parlour experience
We had a fairly quiet New Year's Eve... but enjoyed our 'at home' Pancake Parlour experience... with pancakes, bacon, banana, maple syrup and yoghurt (on mine).
We watched a movie.. Bran Nue Dae. That was lots of fun.
We went for a drive... hoping to get a choc top cone from Hungry Jacks, but they were CLOSED.
Came home and and waited for the New Year.
It is good to see 2011 in... and trust that it will an okay year.
Going out with a friend, this afternoon...
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