5.30 pm Friday, Jan 28, 2011
Tough days...
Waiting...
Sometimes the answer to the questions is in the space of the waiting...
They are different to the expected...
How to be present, in the present?????
However uncomfortable that may be?
Friday, January 28, 2011
Sunday, January 23, 2011
Interesting thought
9.00 am, Sunday, Jan 23, 2011
I just had an interesting, and possibly helpful thought.
Just because I may come to experience God's boundless love for me, doesn't necessarily mean that I will be cured from my depression and anxiety. I think I have thought that it does.
Maybe this realisation will help me to be more open to receiving the love that is offered, and to continue to learn how to be in the 'now' which is where God always is... and where there is some hope that my symptoms may be more manageable, and even decrease.
Being in the now, is always a good plan - and one I'm not very good at, as my mind and heart leap forward with all the 'what ifs'. I can't do anything about them - and at the moment, I am fed, sheltered, warm (too hot sometimes), and even loved. There is so much richness in my life.
In that book, that I am reading I read that as we learn to be gentle with ourselves, we can be gentle and tolerant with others - which is one thing I value highly.
I often felt (and still feel sometimes) invisible, and valueless ... I want to 'see' the people I meet each day - then maybe I will even see the loveliness in the ones I find it difficult to be around.
Mmmmmmmmm!
I just had an interesting, and possibly helpful thought.
Just because I may come to experience God's boundless love for me, doesn't necessarily mean that I will be cured from my depression and anxiety. I think I have thought that it does.
Maybe this realisation will help me to be more open to receiving the love that is offered, and to continue to learn how to be in the 'now' which is where God always is... and where there is some hope that my symptoms may be more manageable, and even decrease.
Being in the now, is always a good plan - and one I'm not very good at, as my mind and heart leap forward with all the 'what ifs'. I can't do anything about them - and at the moment, I am fed, sheltered, warm (too hot sometimes), and even loved. There is so much richness in my life.
In that book, that I am reading I read that as we learn to be gentle with ourselves, we can be gentle and tolerant with others - which is one thing I value highly.
I often felt (and still feel sometimes) invisible, and valueless ... I want to 'see' the people I meet each day - then maybe I will even see the loveliness in the ones I find it difficult to be around.
Mmmmmmmmm!
Saturday, January 22, 2011
The Ragamaffin Gospel
5.00 am Saturday, Jan 22, 2011
Though the Scriptures insist on God's initiative in the work of salvation... our spirituality often starts with self, not God. Personal responsibility has replaced personal response. We talk about acquiring a virtue as if it were a skill that can be attained, like good handwriting or a well-groomed golf swing... (pg 17).
The saved sinner is prostrate in adoration, lost in wonder and praise. She knows repentance is not what we do in order to earn forgiveness; it is what we do because we have been forgiven. It serves as an expression of gratitude rather than an effort to earn forgiveness. Thus the sequence of forgiveness and then repentance, rather than repentance and then forgiveness, is crucial for understanding the gospel of grace. (pg 75).
Brennan Manning, The Ragamuffin Gospel, Multnomah Books, Colorado Springs, 2005.
This is a book I'm reading now... I found that last paragraph particularly enlightening. I know I have a long standing tendancy to feel I have to earn God's love, somehow or another - this book is reminding me that God loves and delights in ragamuffins and sinners. They are the ones he likes to sit at the table and eat a meal with. So I don't have to worry about 'being good enough'. I can just be me... and God loves me.
I hope I can learn that in my heart as well as in my head!
There have been some challenging days recently -
But I'm still here, and still learning...
Though the Scriptures insist on God's initiative in the work of salvation... our spirituality often starts with self, not God. Personal responsibility has replaced personal response. We talk about acquiring a virtue as if it were a skill that can be attained, like good handwriting or a well-groomed golf swing... (pg 17).
The saved sinner is prostrate in adoration, lost in wonder and praise. She knows repentance is not what we do in order to earn forgiveness; it is what we do because we have been forgiven. It serves as an expression of gratitude rather than an effort to earn forgiveness. Thus the sequence of forgiveness and then repentance, rather than repentance and then forgiveness, is crucial for understanding the gospel of grace. (pg 75).
Brennan Manning, The Ragamuffin Gospel, Multnomah Books, Colorado Springs, 2005.
This is a book I'm reading now... I found that last paragraph particularly enlightening. I know I have a long standing tendancy to feel I have to earn God's love, somehow or another - this book is reminding me that God loves and delights in ragamuffins and sinners. They are the ones he likes to sit at the table and eat a meal with. So I don't have to worry about 'being good enough'. I can just be me... and God loves me.
I hope I can learn that in my heart as well as in my head!
There have been some challenging days recently -
But I'm still here, and still learning...
Wednesday, January 19, 2011
Mental health
2.45 pm, Wednesday, Jan 19, 2011
Why is it that it so much more difficult to accept my mental health illness, than it would be if it were some physical illness?
Why do I feel so ashamed about suffering from depresssion, anxiety and Post Traumatic Stress?
I have tried for most of my life to ignore it, to live well, to grasp life with two hands, to try new things, to not miss opportunities - yet here I am at nearly 50, unable to work because the pressure makes me think and do unhelpful things. I thought it would only be for a while... I thought the anxiety would lift... I thought the bleakness and the bad dreams would be a memory I could put behind me.
I guess it is like any chronic illness - you learn to manage it.
I manage mine with therapy and drugs, and a persistant effort to connect with people every day.
I manage it with using the internet, sitting at the cafe in our church's community op shop, trying to be proactive in doing the things that I'm able to do, and to be gentle with myself, when I can't.
At least I have been able to read a bit over the past month or so - that is a change - guess I can take courage in that.
I just read on someone else's blog about Jesus being compassionate on the outcasts and forgotten people of his time...
Guess I can remember that he hasn't forgotten about me.
Why is it that it so much more difficult to accept my mental health illness, than it would be if it were some physical illness?
Why do I feel so ashamed about suffering from depresssion, anxiety and Post Traumatic Stress?
I have tried for most of my life to ignore it, to live well, to grasp life with two hands, to try new things, to not miss opportunities - yet here I am at nearly 50, unable to work because the pressure makes me think and do unhelpful things. I thought it would only be for a while... I thought the anxiety would lift... I thought the bleakness and the bad dreams would be a memory I could put behind me.
I guess it is like any chronic illness - you learn to manage it.
I manage mine with therapy and drugs, and a persistant effort to connect with people every day.
I manage it with using the internet, sitting at the cafe in our church's community op shop, trying to be proactive in doing the things that I'm able to do, and to be gentle with myself, when I can't.
At least I have been able to read a bit over the past month or so - that is a change - guess I can take courage in that.
I just read on someone else's blog about Jesus being compassionate on the outcasts and forgotten people of his time...
Guess I can remember that he hasn't forgotten about me.
Monday, January 17, 2011
Lawns!
12.30 Monday Jan 17, 2011
Had a friend over to stay Friday night, Saturday day.. She gave me the push mower - we worked very hard and got the back lawn mowed. I intended to do the front today - but was overcome, by the length - so went to borrow a friend's motor mower - then ended up getting a friend of a friend to come and mow all the grass - even what we had done on the weekend - so it is nice and low to start again. It is such a relief.
I am thankful for friends of friends and for motor mowers.
I am thankful that the tennis is on TV for the next couple of weeks.
I am thankful that I got through yesterday!
Had a friend over to stay Friday night, Saturday day.. She gave me the push mower - we worked very hard and got the back lawn mowed. I intended to do the front today - but was overcome, by the length - so went to borrow a friend's motor mower - then ended up getting a friend of a friend to come and mow all the grass - even what we had done on the weekend - so it is nice and low to start again. It is such a relief.
I am thankful for friends of friends and for motor mowers.
I am thankful that the tennis is on TV for the next couple of weeks.
I am thankful that I got through yesterday!
Thursday, January 13, 2011
Guess it is time I was thankful again!
9.15 am Thursday, Jan 13, 2011
I AM thankful that I live on a hill - and am never likely to be flooded - even if it makes taking a walk difficult.
I am thankful for my push mower - even though it has been too wet to do much with the grass the past week.
I am thankful for my God candle - which reminds me that God is present...
I am thankful for fans - to blow air on me on these hot humid days.
I am thankful for the promise of Papa God looking out for me ... even today, which seems to stretch so long ahead of me.
I am thankful that I am still here... and safe so far...
I AM thankful that I live on a hill - and am never likely to be flooded - even if it makes taking a walk difficult.
I am thankful for my push mower - even though it has been too wet to do much with the grass the past week.
I am thankful for my God candle - which reminds me that God is present...
I am thankful for fans - to blow air on me on these hot humid days.
I am thankful for the promise of Papa God looking out for me ... even today, which seems to stretch so long ahead of me.
I am thankful that I am still here... and safe so far...
Wednesday, January 12, 2011
Queensland floods
My heart aches for all the people being affected by the extreme flooding in Queenland.. especially those in the South East over the past few days.
I am thinking courage to all who struggle with mental illness and/or the elderly - as their lives, already fraught with difficulty are swamped by the crisis - Those actually physically affected, and those around the nation and the world, who are mentally affected as images trigger post traumatic stress and heighten anxiety levels.
I am thinking of myself as well -
Hugs to everyone...
Hope
I am thinking courage to all who struggle with mental illness and/or the elderly - as their lives, already fraught with difficulty are swamped by the crisis - Those actually physically affected, and those around the nation and the world, who are mentally affected as images trigger post traumatic stress and heighten anxiety levels.
I am thinking of myself as well -
Hugs to everyone...
Hope
Monday, January 10, 2011
Huge day
6.00 pm Monday Jan 10.
I have had a huge day - lots of discussion and lots of thinking... It is doing my head in.
A quiet night with the TV tonight, I think.
I hope I will be okay.....
At least someone had provided me with a roast dinner... Yum... I will have to cook again soon.
I have had a huge day - lots of discussion and lots of thinking... It is doing my head in.
A quiet night with the TV tonight, I think.
I hope I will be okay.....
At least someone had provided me with a roast dinner... Yum... I will have to cook again soon.
Sunday, January 9, 2011
My family :-)
They had a much needed wash this week.
I'm sure I did a grandma as well... but somehow she seems to have gone missing.
I knitted these in 1993, while I was getting organised to go to Madagascar.
Saturday, January 8, 2011
Thankful....
12.00 midday, Saturday Jan 8.
I met my new boarder today - I think it is going to be okay - she will move in about Feb 5.
I am thankful - but feel sad today as well.
I have a plaque up on my wall that says: "Sambatra ny miantra fa izy no hiantrana". Matt 5.
Oh, that's right - you probably don't speak Malagasy - It translates: "Blessed are the merciful for they will be shown mercy".
I was given it by a couple in Madagascar, who had been burgled and we helped them with some things and some money - every time I look at it, I think of my heart to have compassion on people - it encourages me that God is having compassion on me - even when, often I don't feel like it much...
Read in a book yesterday - that hope isn't about mental certitudes, but rather about communion with the Unknown in the Naked Now...
Hmmmmmm......
I met my new boarder today - I think it is going to be okay - she will move in about Feb 5.
I am thankful - but feel sad today as well.
I have a plaque up on my wall that says: "Sambatra ny miantra fa izy no hiantrana". Matt 5.
Oh, that's right - you probably don't speak Malagasy - It translates: "Blessed are the merciful for they will be shown mercy".
I was given it by a couple in Madagascar, who had been burgled and we helped them with some things and some money - every time I look at it, I think of my heart to have compassion on people - it encourages me that God is having compassion on me - even when, often I don't feel like it much...
Read in a book yesterday - that hope isn't about mental certitudes, but rather about communion with the Unknown in the Naked Now...
Hmmmmmm......
Friday, January 7, 2011
To ride the bike or not to?
3.30 pm Friday
I sit here on a hot Friday afternoon - looking out the window at the last two rows of grass on my back lawn that I didn't get mowed this week - and thinking about how I need to find a way to get some exercise. I have a bike, that friends kindly provided for me 4 years ago. It hasn't been ridden much - Can I use it as an okay way to exercise - without so much trouble with the flies of summer, and the boredom of walking??? Hmmmmmm.
Saw J this morning - there was so much I could talk about - so I'm not sure I feel like we did anything very well. I certainly need to find someone, or a group of someones to talk more about the missionary stuff.
Then we spent more than half the time playing with the story of the Prodigal Son - telling it with the help of flannelette images - We discovered that both sons were angry - and we didn't really get past the going away from home of the younger son. I am angry too - I am angry at all the hard work, I have done for so many years - and yet, I'm still sick. My anger stops me from knowing God's love for me - even though he pours it out abundantly. I know that I'm really angry at other people... do I have the courage to accept this, and bring it to the present - and receive the healing that can come??? Challenge for 2011...
There are so many things to learn.
I sit here on a hot Friday afternoon - looking out the window at the last two rows of grass on my back lawn that I didn't get mowed this week - and thinking about how I need to find a way to get some exercise. I have a bike, that friends kindly provided for me 4 years ago. It hasn't been ridden much - Can I use it as an okay way to exercise - without so much trouble with the flies of summer, and the boredom of walking??? Hmmmmmm.
Saw J this morning - there was so much I could talk about - so I'm not sure I feel like we did anything very well. I certainly need to find someone, or a group of someones to talk more about the missionary stuff.
Then we spent more than half the time playing with the story of the Prodigal Son - telling it with the help of flannelette images - We discovered that both sons were angry - and we didn't really get past the going away from home of the younger son. I am angry too - I am angry at all the hard work, I have done for so many years - and yet, I'm still sick. My anger stops me from knowing God's love for me - even though he pours it out abundantly. I know that I'm really angry at other people... do I have the courage to accept this, and bring it to the present - and receive the healing that can come??? Challenge for 2011...
There are so many things to learn.
Thursday, January 6, 2011
A roller coaster week.
9.30 pm Thursday night...
For some reason - the text box for writing didn't open in the last entry - so you got an empty update.
I have gone from having the awareness on Sunday that I want to continue in Christian ministry - to being sure that there is no way I'm ready to go back to work yet - to talking to my Job Search lady today, and being encouraged to do a Cert IV in Workplace Assessment and Training - and feeling the pressure of maybe needing to commit to 12 weeks of study (if she can find government funding for me to do the course).
I went to see a GP about a script on Tuesday - and he opened the flood gates of my resentment at the mission for the abuse I suffered, both as a child and an adult - I hadn't even realised that I need to talk about this stuff. He has recommended a book to read about Spirituality, which it so happened, my pastor had a copy of when I saw him yesterday and I have borrowed it.
Provision has been made, amazingly unexpectedly to enable me to pay off my credit card from the car repairs back in November. I have been reminded of how arrogant it is for me to really, really know God's love for everyone else, and yet be so reluctant to embrace it for myself. Hope to work on that some more with the counsellor tomorrow.
In my talk with the pastor on Wednesday, other life changing issues have been raised - and I am grappling with new thoughts and feelings, and fear and trepidation.
My friend called an ambulance yesterday morning, because she had chest pain - and was in hospital all day for tests - no heart attack noted at this time... but a timely reminder that only I can look after my health.
I have struggled with staying safe this week... but come to Thursday night - and will be okay - and see J tomorrow morning - trust it will be a helpful session, and we'll know which of the many things I could talk about are the ones I need to talk about.
For some reason - the text box for writing didn't open in the last entry - so you got an empty update.
I have gone from having the awareness on Sunday that I want to continue in Christian ministry - to being sure that there is no way I'm ready to go back to work yet - to talking to my Job Search lady today, and being encouraged to do a Cert IV in Workplace Assessment and Training - and feeling the pressure of maybe needing to commit to 12 weeks of study (if she can find government funding for me to do the course).
I went to see a GP about a script on Tuesday - and he opened the flood gates of my resentment at the mission for the abuse I suffered, both as a child and an adult - I hadn't even realised that I need to talk about this stuff. He has recommended a book to read about Spirituality, which it so happened, my pastor had a copy of when I saw him yesterday and I have borrowed it.
Provision has been made, amazingly unexpectedly to enable me to pay off my credit card from the car repairs back in November. I have been reminded of how arrogant it is for me to really, really know God's love for everyone else, and yet be so reluctant to embrace it for myself. Hope to work on that some more with the counsellor tomorrow.
In my talk with the pastor on Wednesday, other life changing issues have been raised - and I am grappling with new thoughts and feelings, and fear and trepidation.
My friend called an ambulance yesterday morning, because she had chest pain - and was in hospital all day for tests - no heart attack noted at this time... but a timely reminder that only I can look after my health.
I have struggled with staying safe this week... but come to Thursday night - and will be okay - and see J tomorrow morning - trust it will be a helpful session, and we'll know which of the many things I could talk about are the ones I need to talk about.
Tuesday, January 4, 2011
Wishes
I wish I could start the New Year with more hope...
I wish I could find contentment...
I wish I knew what to do about work, if anything...
I wish I wouldn't feel so much pain and anxiety so much of the time...
I wish I didn't have bad dreams...
9.50 Tuesday morning...
I wish I could find contentment...
I wish I knew what to do about work, if anything...
I wish I wouldn't feel so much pain and anxiety so much of the time...
I wish I didn't have bad dreams...
9.50 Tuesday morning...
Saturday, January 1, 2011
Hugging a baby - less than 3 weeks old
New Year's Eve Pancake Parlour experience
We had a fairly quiet New Year's Eve... but enjoyed our 'at home' Pancake Parlour experience... with pancakes, bacon, banana, maple syrup and yoghurt (on mine).
We watched a movie.. Bran Nue Dae. That was lots of fun.
We went for a drive... hoping to get a choc top cone from Hungry Jacks, but they were CLOSED.
Came home and and waited for the New Year.
It is good to see 2011 in... and trust that it will an okay year.
Going out with a friend, this afternoon...
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)