Shame

4.00 pm Thursday, 10.3.11

 Was talking about shame with my counsellor today.  I asked her what the antidote to shame is?  I know the antidote to guilt... confession and forgiveness and reconciliation... but what about shame?

 I often feel so much shame about my ongoing mental health difficulties and lack of capacity...

 J said that maybe part of the way to approach shame is to 'take the power back'.  We are ashamed when we feel exposed to others, and maybe they don't accept us, or maybe they ridicule us...  Then we want to hide... If we can change the focus from 'exposure' to revelation... where I have the control of what I share... then maybe my shame can change to acceptance.

 I am aware that for these changes to take place, there needs to be an essential shift in my experience of my depression and anxiety - a change in attitude from 'disability' to 'gift'... Is it possible to make that shift????

 We also talked about the dark chasm that I feel separates me from 'all others'... and leaves me isolated on a tiny planet in out of space.  J asked me what the darkness is... It was a struggle to find the answer... but it seems that it is lack of trust, and suspicion.  She said that this was an appropriate response when my world was so unsafe... but maybe if I can learn to befriend the darkness and find a way to be grateful for the place it has played in my world... maybe it will change in substance...

 I went to an Ash Wednesday service last night and was anointed with the sign of the cross on my forehead with ashes, along with all the others there.  There was something very powerful in seeing the others come back from the altar with the communal ash markings on their foreheads... we are all dust and ashes... and waiting for the resurrection.