Now that is an essential part of my winter kit....
Not only warmth .... but comfort ....
Could do with some of that ...
Friday, July 30, 2010
Thursday, July 29, 2010
Afternoon sleep
An afternoon sleep is not always a winner - well it feels like it will be - when you feel like you can't keep your eyes open and your body upright - but then..... you wake up, and discover that the yukky feeling you had when you went to sleep hasn't gone away - it just got worse!
Thankful for music (and a CD player next to the bed....)
Thankful for bread and honey.
Thankful for good friends who welcome me to watch an episode of The Last Detective with her.
Don't know if I'm thankful for my friend and my Curves trainer who pushed me to get to the gym this morning .... guess I don't have to win medals each time I go.
I can be okay... I can be okay ... I can be okay .... Just one minute at a time!
:-(
Thankful for music (and a CD player next to the bed....)
Thankful for bread and honey.
Thankful for good friends who welcome me to watch an episode of The Last Detective with her.
Don't know if I'm thankful for my friend and my Curves trainer who pushed me to get to the gym this morning .... guess I don't have to win medals each time I go.
I can be okay... I can be okay ... I can be okay .... Just one minute at a time!
:-(
Wednesday, July 28, 2010
Not a windy wednesday
I wanted it to be a windy Wednesday today as I put 3 loads of washing on the line this morning before going out to drawing class. Flannelette sheets, towels, and my own washing! And it is due to rain this afternoon... late. I got home in time to get the washing off the line - and it is mostly dry so I now have it draped around various clothes horses and chairs to air and finish drying.
I had drawing class today - we had to take off a shoe and put it on the table and study it closely for 5 minutes, then put it away and draw it from memory with charcoal. I made up a fair bit of mine!!! Then we put the shoe there again and drew it from sight - I enjoyed doing that - I was wearing runners - so it was quite complicated - but did look like a runner in the end. Then we played around with some brushes and ink - using a still life as inspiration. We will do more ink next week.
I am thankful that most of the washing got dry (ish).
For drawing class and the encouraging ladies there (and one bloke).
For a delicious lunch out with a friend.
For making a couple of new friends over the internet - who 'get' the mental health stuff.
For my heat pack, warm socks that a friend gave me, and my blankie.
I am thankful for all my friends! I need you all so much ----
I had drawing class today - we had to take off a shoe and put it on the table and study it closely for 5 minutes, then put it away and draw it from memory with charcoal. I made up a fair bit of mine!!! Then we put the shoe there again and drew it from sight - I enjoyed doing that - I was wearing runners - so it was quite complicated - but did look like a runner in the end. Then we played around with some brushes and ink - using a still life as inspiration. We will do more ink next week.
I am thankful that most of the washing got dry (ish).
For drawing class and the encouraging ladies there (and one bloke).
For a delicious lunch out with a friend.
For making a couple of new friends over the internet - who 'get' the mental health stuff.
For my heat pack, warm socks that a friend gave me, and my blankie.
I am thankful for all my friends! I need you all so much ----
Monday, July 26, 2010
Interesting
I read the following on a prayer site I use ...
sacredspace.ie
What did Jesus mean when he urged self-denial? ‘Deny yourself and take up your cross daily.’ I used to think this meant looking for mortifications. Lord, you have taught me that my cross is myself, my ego, the pains in my body, my awkwardness, my mistakes. Hopkins put it starkly: I am gall, I am heartburn. God’s most deep decree Bitter would have me taste; my taste was me. To follow you is to move beyond ego-trips. It means coping with the business of life without trampling on others or making them suffer. There is a world here to be explored. To deny myself – to reach a point where my self is no longer the most important thing in the world; to be able to take a back seat comfortably; to be happy to listen; to accept without resentment the diminishments that come to me through time or circumstances; to see your hand, Lord, in both the bright and dark places of my life.
I was really struck especially by the last 2 sentiments. ..
It is a challenge to accept without resentment the diminishments that come to me through time or circumstances....
sacredspace.ie
What did Jesus mean when he urged self-denial? ‘Deny yourself and take up your cross daily.’ I used to think this meant looking for mortifications. Lord, you have taught me that my cross is myself, my ego, the pains in my body, my awkwardness, my mistakes. Hopkins put it starkly: I am gall, I am heartburn. God’s most deep decree Bitter would have me taste; my taste was me. To follow you is to move beyond ego-trips. It means coping with the business of life without trampling on others or making them suffer. There is a world here to be explored. To deny myself – to reach a point where my self is no longer the most important thing in the world; to be able to take a back seat comfortably; to be happy to listen; to accept without resentment the diminishments that come to me through time or circumstances; to see your hand, Lord, in both the bright and dark places of my life.
I was really struck especially by the last 2 sentiments. ..
It is a challenge to accept without resentment the diminishments that come to me through time or circumstances....
Saturday, July 24, 2010
Thankful?
1. Hot yummy dinner cooked for me.
2. 5 litres of minestrone soup cooked.
3. Morning coffee with friends.
..................
2. 5 litres of minestrone soup cooked.
3. Morning coffee with friends.
..................
Friday, July 23, 2010
Confusion and/or courage
Saw my counsellor this morning - she wants me to talk to all the parts of me and come to some sort of agreement that I won't hurt myself in the coming weeks, while we do some hard work.
Why is this so hard to do - of course it makes sense not to hurt yourself! Who would want to do that! ???
I am thankful for a skilled and insightful counsellor.
I am thankful that I have a good friend staying for the weekend - so we will even eat proper food.
I am thankful for a community shop that provides hot soup and a fresh roll for lunch for a reasonable cost.
I am thankful that I don't have to live tomorrow, today.
I am thankful that not going to the Curves gym this morning doesn't make me a bad person.
Just wish I didn't feel so anxious.
Why is this so hard to do - of course it makes sense not to hurt yourself! Who would want to do that! ???
I am thankful for a skilled and insightful counsellor.
I am thankful that I have a good friend staying for the weekend - so we will even eat proper food.
I am thankful for a community shop that provides hot soup and a fresh roll for lunch for a reasonable cost.
I am thankful that I don't have to live tomorrow, today.
I am thankful that not going to the Curves gym this morning doesn't make me a bad person.
Just wish I didn't feel so anxious.
Wednesday, July 21, 2010
Five Things for Wednesday
It's been cold - that isn't something I am necessarily thankful for.
I am thankful for art class today - even if I don't think much of the charcoal drawing I did.
And for lunch out with a friend - and she paid - and the food was yummy.
An afternoon sleep - even if it wasn't as long as I would like.
That I actually got to the gym this morning, even though I didn't much feel like it, and it didn't matter that I didn't work as hard as I usually do.
Struggling with a fifth one today.... maybe that a box of smarties was on special for a dollar at the supermarket today... (so I bought 2, so I guess that means I didn't save any money)
need a hug....
don't suppose I'll get one of those if I go to MacDonalds for a drink and some company later.
I am thankful for art class today - even if I don't think much of the charcoal drawing I did.
And for lunch out with a friend - and she paid - and the food was yummy.
An afternoon sleep - even if it wasn't as long as I would like.
That I actually got to the gym this morning, even though I didn't much feel like it, and it didn't matter that I didn't work as hard as I usually do.
Struggling with a fifth one today.... maybe that a box of smarties was on special for a dollar at the supermarket today... (so I bought 2, so I guess that means I didn't save any money)
need a hug....
don't suppose I'll get one of those if I go to MacDonalds for a drink and some company later.
Sunday, July 18, 2010
Communication
We have landline phone, mobile phone, text messages, Email, Facebook, Twitter, On line forums.... I didn't have any of these things in my youth... Does it mean we communicate better now than we did then?
I noticed an interesting phenomona on Facebook this week... There were two status updates that mentioned snot... and they each receive about 15 comments. Then there were a couple other status updates talking about someone's difficulties - one with 3 boys under 4 who are very sick - and they merit 3 to 4 comments.
Do we not read the 'difficult' ones? Do we think that nothing we can say will make any difference? Is it because our humour isn't tweaked?
I am learning that I can't expect comfort from the internet, even though I'm on a depression support forum ... I have asked myself if it is because I write too cryptically when I am not feeling good - whether it is my fault, because I don't know how to express my need for support and comfort - or is it that we are overloaded with information about people that we miss seeing the people themselves?
People talk about a global community now - I think I liked a village one better. When everyone met at the water pump or well and exchanged news, (and gossip) as they waited for their turn to draw water. I think I liked it better when people noticed if someone didn't come out of their house in the morning and went and knocked on their door. I think I liked it better when everyone knew if someone was sad ... they mightn't all have been sympathetic, but I'm sure there were some who were. When there was appropriate rituals and words around grieving and time and support given for the process.
I was trying to explain to a Malagasy man one day (as I waited for my take away order of chips) that life wasn't necessarily better in Australia. I tried to tell him that loneliness is endemic and people don't know what it is like to be in community. He couldn't understand. He just assumed that having enough money would make everything alright.
The global community doesn't seem to be working for me...
I noticed an interesting phenomona on Facebook this week... There were two status updates that mentioned snot... and they each receive about 15 comments. Then there were a couple other status updates talking about someone's difficulties - one with 3 boys under 4 who are very sick - and they merit 3 to 4 comments.
Do we not read the 'difficult' ones? Do we think that nothing we can say will make any difference? Is it because our humour isn't tweaked?
I am learning that I can't expect comfort from the internet, even though I'm on a depression support forum ... I have asked myself if it is because I write too cryptically when I am not feeling good - whether it is my fault, because I don't know how to express my need for support and comfort - or is it that we are overloaded with information about people that we miss seeing the people themselves?
People talk about a global community now - I think I liked a village one better. When everyone met at the water pump or well and exchanged news, (and gossip) as they waited for their turn to draw water. I think I liked it better when people noticed if someone didn't come out of their house in the morning and went and knocked on their door. I think I liked it better when everyone knew if someone was sad ... they mightn't all have been sympathetic, but I'm sure there were some who were. When there was appropriate rituals and words around grieving and time and support given for the process.
I was trying to explain to a Malagasy man one day (as I waited for my take away order of chips) that life wasn't necessarily better in Australia. I tried to tell him that loneliness is endemic and people don't know what it is like to be in community. He couldn't understand. He just assumed that having enough money would make everything alright.
The global community doesn't seem to be working for me...
Friday, July 16, 2010
Blue day...
5 Things...??
1. Hot pumpkin and vegetable soup for lunch with a roll and butter.
2. An afternoon sleep... eventually.
3. Safety on the road when driving....
4. Tears...
5. ............. Music ............
1. Hot pumpkin and vegetable soup for lunch with a roll and butter.
2. An afternoon sleep... eventually.
3. Safety on the road when driving....
4. Tears...
5. ............. Music ............
Thursday, July 15, 2010
5 good things
I think I can do it...
1. A car that seems to be reliable.
2. Time playing with a 3 year old today - we played trains and I read him stories.
3. A hot water bottle and my blankies.
4. Cups of tea - or other hot drinks.
5. A washing machine.
That's all.....
1. A car that seems to be reliable.
2. Time playing with a 3 year old today - we played trains and I read him stories.
3. A hot water bottle and my blankies.
4. Cups of tea - or other hot drinks.
5. A washing machine.
That's all.....
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
Rules, rules and more rules
How do we know when a rule is helpful and when one is unhelpful. It seems I have a lot of internal rules - that have been laid down by 'others' and that most of them are pretty unhelpful to me now. It is really hard to identify them.
I know that helpful rules are road rules and society rules about not stealing or killing people - but what about not using the 'trolley and pram' larger toilet at a shopping centre? - Or the disability toilet (or change room) at other venues - even like at the swimming pool. How much does what I need/want matter?
Some people don't care - they just do whatever they want to do, and never think twice about it. If they are challenged they respond, often in anger... I certainly don't want to do that, although it would help me to feel my anger more often.
And then there are things that are part of my goals - like getting to the gym 3 mornings a week - Monday, Wednesday and Friday. Today I have the opportunity to go and stay with a friend on the other side of town tonight and it is Tuesday night - so it means I can't get to the gym tomorrow morning. How much does that matter? I find it very hard to get there later in the day.... but I guess tomorrow could be a first for that. Do I go and see my friend, or do I stay so I can go to the gym??? It seems so silly when written like that... Flexibility in goals and plans is a good thing.... I think!!
Mmmmmm .... I think I would like to go and see my friend.
I know that helpful rules are road rules and society rules about not stealing or killing people - but what about not using the 'trolley and pram' larger toilet at a shopping centre? - Or the disability toilet (or change room) at other venues - even like at the swimming pool. How much does what I need/want matter?
Some people don't care - they just do whatever they want to do, and never think twice about it. If they are challenged they respond, often in anger... I certainly don't want to do that, although it would help me to feel my anger more often.
And then there are things that are part of my goals - like getting to the gym 3 mornings a week - Monday, Wednesday and Friday. Today I have the opportunity to go and stay with a friend on the other side of town tonight and it is Tuesday night - so it means I can't get to the gym tomorrow morning. How much does that matter? I find it very hard to get there later in the day.... but I guess tomorrow could be a first for that. Do I go and see my friend, or do I stay so I can go to the gym??? It seems so silly when written like that... Flexibility in goals and plans is a good thing.... I think!!
Mmmmmm .... I think I would like to go and see my friend.
Sunday, July 11, 2010
Loneliness?
I have been thinking about loneliness this afternoon. On one of my other interactive websites, I often say that I am lonely. It is a bit strange, if I think about it, as I have a number of friends and even though I'm not working at the moment, my days are reasonably full.
But the feeling of being lonely persists. Is it connected to 'not belonging'? Is it part and parcel of the Missionary Kid package? The constant moving and saying goodbye. Is that why I can't really trust that my friends are not going to abandon me?
Yet for me, it is more than that. Somehow in the past 7-8 years since I returned from Madagascar, the dislike of my own company has surfaced (maybe it was always there!). I struggle to have the concentration to engage in meaningful activity at home, or the energy and motivation to do the household chores.
I am learning that I have significant 'attachment' issues that stem from a very young age - and I know I experience that lack of attachment as a lostness, a sense of being on an asteroid hurtling into space, far away from human life.
My therapists assure me that what I need to do is to learn to nurture myself - to self-comfort the frightened, lost and lonely me. I am trying to learn to do that - so I went to the nuns - so that I could have a model of what being nurtured is like.
At this stage, I can't imagine feeling differently about myself, or about the 'empty time' that all of us have....
But the feeling of being lonely persists. Is it connected to 'not belonging'? Is it part and parcel of the Missionary Kid package? The constant moving and saying goodbye. Is that why I can't really trust that my friends are not going to abandon me?
Yet for me, it is more than that. Somehow in the past 7-8 years since I returned from Madagascar, the dislike of my own company has surfaced (maybe it was always there!). I struggle to have the concentration to engage in meaningful activity at home, or the energy and motivation to do the household chores.
I am learning that I have significant 'attachment' issues that stem from a very young age - and I know I experience that lack of attachment as a lostness, a sense of being on an asteroid hurtling into space, far away from human life.
My therapists assure me that what I need to do is to learn to nurture myself - to self-comfort the frightened, lost and lonely me. I am trying to learn to do that - so I went to the nuns - so that I could have a model of what being nurtured is like.
At this stage, I can't imagine feeling differently about myself, or about the 'empty time' that all of us have....
Friday, July 9, 2010
Fragrance and Honey
I have just been reading about being a fragrance to those around us... and thinking about how some people just 'smell nice' - it has nothing to do with their perfume or whether they had garlic the night before... there is just something about them...
I want to be one of those...
This led me to think about a custom in Madagascar - Traditionally when a guest first visited someone's home, they would be blessed with honey or oil or both. Not mixed together and not anointed with the honey!!! But a taste of honey on the tongue and oil on the back of the hand. I know when I had that done to me... it made me feel special and welcomed.
What sort of traditions of welcome do we have in the west - and how do we show our fragrance through them????
I want to be one of those...
This led me to think about a custom in Madagascar - Traditionally when a guest first visited someone's home, they would be blessed with honey or oil or both. Not mixed together and not anointed with the honey!!! But a taste of honey on the tongue and oil on the back of the hand. I know when I had that done to me... it made me feel special and welcomed.
What sort of traditions of welcome do we have in the west - and how do we show our fragrance through them????
Boarding school???
I was having cuddles with a delightful 6 year old girl the day before yesterday. She and her family were starting their trip back to Zambia yesterday and we were talking about school. I asked her if she had enjoyed school here in Australia - she had started preps. She said she did, but the thing she liked most was that she could come home every day.
When she goes back to Zambia she will be going to boarding school with her 3 older siblings - it's not SOOOOO far from where they live so they will go home for a day each weekend and then there is half term.... but it isn't the same. I know..... I've done the boarding school thing.
I went to boarding school when I was 10 - and because my family was so dysfunctional, in many ways it was a relief for me... but sometimes I wonder, if I had stayed at home and gone to day school, whether my mental health problems would have been dealt with sooner?? You can't go back and undo things, but my heart went out to this little girl and to her parents who are caught between what they believe is their calling, and the impact this has on their family.
She is a confident, outgoing, charismatic child and I'm sure she will make good friends and I trust she will have nurturing dorm parents - which is more than I had. She said she will write me emails - I will need to get her address from her oma, once the kids get back to school. She will be 8 when she returns to Australia next.
Mmmmmmm, it is all very difficult.
When she goes back to Zambia she will be going to boarding school with her 3 older siblings - it's not SOOOOO far from where they live so they will go home for a day each weekend and then there is half term.... but it isn't the same. I know..... I've done the boarding school thing.
I went to boarding school when I was 10 - and because my family was so dysfunctional, in many ways it was a relief for me... but sometimes I wonder, if I had stayed at home and gone to day school, whether my mental health problems would have been dealt with sooner?? You can't go back and undo things, but my heart went out to this little girl and to her parents who are caught between what they believe is their calling, and the impact this has on their family.
She is a confident, outgoing, charismatic child and I'm sure she will make good friends and I trust she will have nurturing dorm parents - which is more than I had. She said she will write me emails - I will need to get her address from her oma, once the kids get back to school. She will be 8 when she returns to Australia next.
Mmmmmmm, it is all very difficult.
Wednesday, July 7, 2010
It is Wednesday already
Why is it that just when you turn the computer on and want to begin doing some work the VIRUS SCAN starts and puts everything in a holding pattern for 2 minutes for every action. It never did that with XP - goes to show there are some difficulties with Vista - although there are some things I like about it too.
I have seen some people I really like today and some of them were little people. Nearly 4, and 6. It reminded me I need to interact with little people more often than I do. Thing is, when I see them being whiny or screeching in shopping centres or cafes, I just want their parents to take them away.... far, far, far away - but somehow, when I have a connection with them it makes a difference.
I am sitting here with a shawl, a blankie and hot water bottle and the central heating is just beginning to make the house a bit warm - but then I'm going out shortly. It has been drizzling all morning - real winter weather.
Won't get a sleep this afternoon - or at least not til later. Going to visit a very lovely elderly lady who is nearly blind, has had one leg amputated (for sometime), and some chest complaints - but she is very warm and friendly and I'm looking forward to getting to know her and her story better.
I have seen some people I really like today and some of them were little people. Nearly 4, and 6. It reminded me I need to interact with little people more often than I do. Thing is, when I see them being whiny or screeching in shopping centres or cafes, I just want their parents to take them away.... far, far, far away - but somehow, when I have a connection with them it makes a difference.
I am sitting here with a shawl, a blankie and hot water bottle and the central heating is just beginning to make the house a bit warm - but then I'm going out shortly. It has been drizzling all morning - real winter weather.
Won't get a sleep this afternoon - or at least not til later. Going to visit a very lovely elderly lady who is nearly blind, has had one leg amputated (for sometime), and some chest complaints - but she is very warm and friendly and I'm looking forward to getting to know her and her story better.
Monday, July 5, 2010
Monday's musing
I am so tired tonight. Why is it that I am so hard on myself and push on..?. The sun was shining today and it wasn't so cold, so after seeing the counsellor this morning, and then the GP for a script and my sore shoulder... I went and visited two people then came home and turned the radio up and vacuumed the house - which was much needed. It is a good feeling to have that done...
I hate evenings...
Maybe one day I'll learn to be ok with my own company....
I am thankful today for skilled professionals
for good friends
for leftovers for my evening meal....
I guess calling myself Hope in this blog - is a reminder that it is possible....
I hate evenings...
Maybe one day I'll learn to be ok with my own company....
I am thankful today for skilled professionals
for good friends
for leftovers for my evening meal....
I guess calling myself Hope in this blog - is a reminder that it is possible....
Saturday, July 3, 2010
Challenges
Got a call from my sister this morning to say that she had to take mum into Accident and Emergency again because she couldn't swallow.... again .... only been a week since last time. She has since had a gastroscopy and the stricture in her throat has been cleared again ... we REALLY don't need this to become a regular thing!
I am thankful for
Hot water bottles
Friends
Appropriate medication
Music
........................
Not so much 'hope' today.
I am thankful for
Hot water bottles
Friends
Appropriate medication
Music
........................
Not so much 'hope' today.
Thursday, July 1, 2010
Thursday has come and gone
I decided in the night that I didn't want to drive the 15-20 minutes to see my Job Search Consulatant today - she said we could meet 'on the phone' sometimes - so I took her up on that one. Will see her in 2 weeks.
Managed to get onto the windscreen guy and he came and did his magic so the chip is virtually invisible now - It wasn't too expensive either so I am thankful for that.
Did some work for our Children's Pastor helping get ready for Kids' Club running next week and then I went to the pool for a spa.
I was going to buy some meat and stuff today and cook something for the freezer - but didn't, then my boarder came home with her friend and they cooked up a big stirfry and invited me to have some and then some icecream too. They even brought it to me - while I sat on the couch with my feet up - that was SOOOOOO nice. A real gift for tonight.
Must go to the gym tomorrow morning - so glad I don't have to do it now!
I will sleep.... maybe I won't have bad dreams .... one can hope!
Managed to get onto the windscreen guy and he came and did his magic so the chip is virtually invisible now - It wasn't too expensive either so I am thankful for that.
Did some work for our Children's Pastor helping get ready for Kids' Club running next week and then I went to the pool for a spa.
I was going to buy some meat and stuff today and cook something for the freezer - but didn't, then my boarder came home with her friend and they cooked up a big stirfry and invited me to have some and then some icecream too. They even brought it to me - while I sat on the couch with my feet up - that was SOOOOOO nice. A real gift for tonight.
Must go to the gym tomorrow morning - so glad I don't have to do it now!
I will sleep.... maybe I won't have bad dreams .... one can hope!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)