I have been thinking about loneliness this afternoon. On one of my other interactive websites, I often say that I am lonely. It is a bit strange, if I think about it, as I have a number of friends and even though I'm not working at the moment, my days are reasonably full.
But the feeling of being lonely persists. Is it connected to 'not belonging'? Is it part and parcel of the Missionary Kid package? The constant moving and saying goodbye. Is that why I can't really trust that my friends are not going to abandon me?
Yet for me, it is more than that. Somehow in the past 7-8 years since I returned from Madagascar, the dislike of my own company has surfaced (maybe it was always there!). I struggle to have the concentration to engage in meaningful activity at home, or the energy and motivation to do the household chores.
I am learning that I have significant 'attachment' issues that stem from a very young age - and I know I experience that lack of attachment as a lostness, a sense of being on an asteroid hurtling into space, far away from human life.
My therapists assure me that what I need to do is to learn to nurture myself - to self-comfort the frightened, lost and lonely me. I am trying to learn to do that - so I went to the nuns - so that I could have a model of what being nurtured is like.
At this stage, I can't imagine feeling differently about myself, or about the 'empty time' that all of us have....
Coming from a transient family I know the feeling of not belonging anywhere... that feeling of lostness... i struggle with it most of the time... but I have learnt to live by myself ... i spoil myself... not necessarily nurture myself...
ReplyDeletetake care
The concept of lostness is very complex. Not belonging can even happen to people who geographically stay put. I hope you can learn to like your own company again. Are there times when you remember enjoying your own company?
ReplyDeleteYou are working on this, you are asking the questions, you are determined. All of this will have positive effects Hope. You may not end up where you thought you might, but I think you will make progress as a result of all of your hard work.
(((Hope))) Take care.
That is an interesting question, Lark. Do I remember enjoying my own company? I know I have lived on my own before and had less friends than I do now - but don't remember it being a problem. I was able to engage in activities and didn't have the same degree of restlessness that I struggle with now. I was able to go on holidays by myself and be okay... wouldn't want to do that now.
ReplyDeleteMmmmm.... more things to think about - thanks so much for your comments.
Hope