12.00 midday, Saturday Jan 8.
I met my new boarder today - I think it is going to be okay - she will move in about Feb 5.
I am thankful - but feel sad today as well.
I have a plaque up on my wall that says: "Sambatra ny miantra fa izy no hiantrana". Matt 5.
Oh, that's right - you probably don't speak Malagasy - It translates: "Blessed are the merciful for they will be shown mercy".
I was given it by a couple in Madagascar, who had been burgled and we helped them with some things and some money - every time I look at it, I think of my heart to have compassion on people - it encourages me that God is having compassion on me - even when, often I don't feel like it much...
Read in a book yesterday - that hope isn't about mental certitudes, but rather about communion with the Unknown in the Naked Now...
Hmmmmmm......
Saturday, January 8, 2011
Friday, January 7, 2011
To ride the bike or not to?
3.30 pm Friday
I sit here on a hot Friday afternoon - looking out the window at the last two rows of grass on my back lawn that I didn't get mowed this week - and thinking about how I need to find a way to get some exercise. I have a bike, that friends kindly provided for me 4 years ago. It hasn't been ridden much - Can I use it as an okay way to exercise - without so much trouble with the flies of summer, and the boredom of walking??? Hmmmmmm.
Saw J this morning - there was so much I could talk about - so I'm not sure I feel like we did anything very well. I certainly need to find someone, or a group of someones to talk more about the missionary stuff.
Then we spent more than half the time playing with the story of the Prodigal Son - telling it with the help of flannelette images - We discovered that both sons were angry - and we didn't really get past the going away from home of the younger son. I am angry too - I am angry at all the hard work, I have done for so many years - and yet, I'm still sick. My anger stops me from knowing God's love for me - even though he pours it out abundantly. I know that I'm really angry at other people... do I have the courage to accept this, and bring it to the present - and receive the healing that can come??? Challenge for 2011...
There are so many things to learn.
I sit here on a hot Friday afternoon - looking out the window at the last two rows of grass on my back lawn that I didn't get mowed this week - and thinking about how I need to find a way to get some exercise. I have a bike, that friends kindly provided for me 4 years ago. It hasn't been ridden much - Can I use it as an okay way to exercise - without so much trouble with the flies of summer, and the boredom of walking??? Hmmmmmm.
Saw J this morning - there was so much I could talk about - so I'm not sure I feel like we did anything very well. I certainly need to find someone, or a group of someones to talk more about the missionary stuff.
Then we spent more than half the time playing with the story of the Prodigal Son - telling it with the help of flannelette images - We discovered that both sons were angry - and we didn't really get past the going away from home of the younger son. I am angry too - I am angry at all the hard work, I have done for so many years - and yet, I'm still sick. My anger stops me from knowing God's love for me - even though he pours it out abundantly. I know that I'm really angry at other people... do I have the courage to accept this, and bring it to the present - and receive the healing that can come??? Challenge for 2011...
There are so many things to learn.
Thursday, January 6, 2011
A roller coaster week.
9.30 pm Thursday night...
For some reason - the text box for writing didn't open in the last entry - so you got an empty update.
I have gone from having the awareness on Sunday that I want to continue in Christian ministry - to being sure that there is no way I'm ready to go back to work yet - to talking to my Job Search lady today, and being encouraged to do a Cert IV in Workplace Assessment and Training - and feeling the pressure of maybe needing to commit to 12 weeks of study (if she can find government funding for me to do the course).
I went to see a GP about a script on Tuesday - and he opened the flood gates of my resentment at the mission for the abuse I suffered, both as a child and an adult - I hadn't even realised that I need to talk about this stuff. He has recommended a book to read about Spirituality, which it so happened, my pastor had a copy of when I saw him yesterday and I have borrowed it.
Provision has been made, amazingly unexpectedly to enable me to pay off my credit card from the car repairs back in November. I have been reminded of how arrogant it is for me to really, really know God's love for everyone else, and yet be so reluctant to embrace it for myself. Hope to work on that some more with the counsellor tomorrow.
In my talk with the pastor on Wednesday, other life changing issues have been raised - and I am grappling with new thoughts and feelings, and fear and trepidation.
My friend called an ambulance yesterday morning, because she had chest pain - and was in hospital all day for tests - no heart attack noted at this time... but a timely reminder that only I can look after my health.
I have struggled with staying safe this week... but come to Thursday night - and will be okay - and see J tomorrow morning - trust it will be a helpful session, and we'll know which of the many things I could talk about are the ones I need to talk about.
For some reason - the text box for writing didn't open in the last entry - so you got an empty update.
I have gone from having the awareness on Sunday that I want to continue in Christian ministry - to being sure that there is no way I'm ready to go back to work yet - to talking to my Job Search lady today, and being encouraged to do a Cert IV in Workplace Assessment and Training - and feeling the pressure of maybe needing to commit to 12 weeks of study (if she can find government funding for me to do the course).
I went to see a GP about a script on Tuesday - and he opened the flood gates of my resentment at the mission for the abuse I suffered, both as a child and an adult - I hadn't even realised that I need to talk about this stuff. He has recommended a book to read about Spirituality, which it so happened, my pastor had a copy of when I saw him yesterday and I have borrowed it.
Provision has been made, amazingly unexpectedly to enable me to pay off my credit card from the car repairs back in November. I have been reminded of how arrogant it is for me to really, really know God's love for everyone else, and yet be so reluctant to embrace it for myself. Hope to work on that some more with the counsellor tomorrow.
In my talk with the pastor on Wednesday, other life changing issues have been raised - and I am grappling with new thoughts and feelings, and fear and trepidation.
My friend called an ambulance yesterday morning, because she had chest pain - and was in hospital all day for tests - no heart attack noted at this time... but a timely reminder that only I can look after my health.
I have struggled with staying safe this week... but come to Thursday night - and will be okay - and see J tomorrow morning - trust it will be a helpful session, and we'll know which of the many things I could talk about are the ones I need to talk about.
Tuesday, January 4, 2011
Wishes
I wish I could start the New Year with more hope...
I wish I could find contentment...
I wish I knew what to do about work, if anything...
I wish I wouldn't feel so much pain and anxiety so much of the time...
I wish I didn't have bad dreams...
9.50 Tuesday morning...
I wish I could find contentment...
I wish I knew what to do about work, if anything...
I wish I wouldn't feel so much pain and anxiety so much of the time...
I wish I didn't have bad dreams...
9.50 Tuesday morning...
Saturday, January 1, 2011
Hugging a baby - less than 3 weeks old
New Year's Eve Pancake Parlour experience
We had a fairly quiet New Year's Eve... but enjoyed our 'at home' Pancake Parlour experience... with pancakes, bacon, banana, maple syrup and yoghurt (on mine).
We watched a movie.. Bran Nue Dae. That was lots of fun.
We went for a drive... hoping to get a choc top cone from Hungry Jacks, but they were CLOSED.
Came home and and waited for the New Year.
It is good to see 2011 in... and trust that it will an okay year.
Going out with a friend, this afternoon...
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