What happens when you pray?

8.15 am. 19.06.11. Sunday

 I was preparing for a 6 hour session of having my story listened to, and this was one of the questions.  I was surprised at my response..

 I have thought for a long time, that nothing happens when I pray, that I don't have a sense of God being present.  That I don't have any expectation that he will hear me, especially when it is prayers for myself.

 But as I pondered this question, and let it sink into my gut... I realised that something does happen when I pray. 

 When I pray, when I'm not distressed, I have a sense of connecting to the 'Other', and sense of Largeness.  I bring the people and situations that come to mind into this Presence... and sit with the questions and the longings.  It is a nice place to be...

 When I pray when I'm distressed ... I throw out the questions, the longing and yearning of my heart... sometimes my tears, and often I repeat the mantra, "I'm not going to do deals with you, God..."  So much of my life has been trying to 'do deals' ... "If I can somehow pray enough - say the right things - have the right feelings - do the right things - then God will answer the deep yearning of my heart.

 I don't 'do deals' anymore... So I guess, often I just sit with the yearning and the questions, and sometimes the apparent hopelessness that anything can change...  and you know... usually, eventually, there is a shift in me.

 I guess there is Hope in that...