The way home......

I carry a small white stone in my pocket, most of the time...

It reminds me that there is a way home...

Like Hansel and Gretel....

Home seems a long way away....

I wonder if I have ever been there...

I play with my stone and feel its shiny, marbled whiteness...

I hold it in my pocket when I'm anxious...

Sometimes I long for home with a longing that is beyond words...

Almost beyond feelings...

I used to draw a house with a chimney and the lights on and an open door, at the top of an endless cliff... with a swing in the tree outside...

I drew the picture over and over again...

I don't draw it any more....

I don't know where home is, but somehow don't think it it out there somewhere...

Somehow I need to find the home in the silence of my heart and soul...

Maybe I won't be so restless then...

That would be nice..........................

I carry my home finding stone.... with the tiniest hope that I will find my way someday.

Dreams

"Do you think dreams can come true?" (Seachange)..

Do I think dreams can come true?

I dreamed today about being less riddled with anxiety and that has been true.

I dream about belonging and I don't know if that will ever come true.

I dream about existing for myself and for others as a real person with thoughts, feeling, desires, and will... what can I do to make that come true?

I found my fridge magnets today... I used to dream about that, so that came true.

I also found my tea dispenser - so I can drink my Kenyan and herbal tea... that is a good thing.

I dream about having glasses I can see with...

I dream about having friends over...

I dream about being able to read books again...

I dream about silence, within and without...

I dream about putting precious stones in the gtound of my being so that the shape and colour and texture changes...

I dream about having hope...

I dream about haivng more than one day in a row when I don't want to hurt myself...

I dream about life... I dream about death... invigeration & desolation; energy & lethargy; motion & inertia...

I dream about finding the fire in my belly and harnessing it for good...

I dream about being myself - being true to myself, with due care and compassion and tolerance for others...

I dream about saying no to the gingerbread man and the cake...

I dream about not being afraid....

I dream of Africa... over and over again. Wild raging dreams often filled with danger and fear.

I dream about knowing God and being known by him/her in a way that I know...

I dream of friends I truly trust and that starts with trusting myself...

I dream about not carrying the weight of pain, anxiety and depression..

I dream of hope...

       .....of dancing in the sunshine

      ......or sitting in a comfy chair drinking tea with friends...

Do dreams come true?????

Mistaken Hope

Diso fanentanana.... Mistaken Hope -- another Malagasy lesson for today...

 I feel like I should be rejoicing...... but I'm not....
 I have made a decision about where to live...
 I will move to 4 suburbs away in 2 1/2 weeks...
 To a shared house with two others (3 when the owner is there)...
 I have a bedroom and bathroom... and use of the common areas...
 I can take my bed, and hopefully my recliner...  A bedside table and a bookcase...
 I can connect to the internet...

 Instead of feeling good, I feel incredibly sad....
 How do I take the 'I know it will be okay...' and really KNOW it???????
 It is about a 20 minute drive back to where I live now, and where my 'community' is (mostly)...
 5 train stations... if I take the train (I do have the car)...

 I don't want to start again....
 I don't want to learn to fit into a new community...
 I don't want to be any more lonely....
 I don't want to put most of my stuff in storage...

 A friend said today... that it can take quite a time for our emotions to process and catch up with our decisions and thoughts...

 I hope they do..... eventually......