It's time

It's time to move the profound expression of grief off the front page of my blog - not that the grief has passed, but the intensity has eased somewhat.  I remain in a conundrum about what to do about church - well not really, I have decided that I will look around at other churches.  Somehow regular conventional church just doesn't do it for me any more - although I know it isn't all about me.

I have been to visit a 'church of disappointment' for 3 Sundays.  They minister to the marginalised and have a professional, yet spontaneous type of worship.  People with mental health issues may call out during the sermon, there is the noise of the children during the main part of the service, until the sermon, some people in wheelchairs come, who are extremely disabled, homeless people wander in off the street, street girls come in and light a candle and cross them selves at the altar, while the sermon is on.  The service breaks for morning tea just before the message, and there is a shared lunch afterwards.  The ministers are kind, thoughtful, sensitive and gentle.  And they have couches - a big bonus for me.  I like it there.  They have communion every week, and you go up and receive it from the servers in the aisles.  My only problem is that it is a bit far from where I live.  But it may be a place of healing, that I can attend for a while.

I am still linked with my other church because of some groups I'm involved with there - the big question is - do I let those groups go or not???  One only lasts til the end of July.  I can wait that long surely.  How do I discern about whether to let the other group go or not - when we reach the July holidays.  My gut tells me to, my guilt tells me not to.  I guess it shouldn't be too difficult to know which one to follow! :) .

Mistaken Hope

Diso fanentanana.... Mistaken Hope -- another Malagasy lesson for today...

 I feel like I should be rejoicing...... but I'm not....
 I have made a decision about where to live...
 I will move to 4 suburbs away in 2 1/2 weeks...
 To a shared house with two others (3 when the owner is there)...
 I have a bedroom and bathroom... and use of the common areas...
 I can take my bed, and hopefully my recliner...  A bedside table and a bookcase...
 I can connect to the internet...

 Instead of feeling good, I feel incredibly sad....
 How do I take the 'I know it will be okay...' and really KNOW it???????
 It is about a 20 minute drive back to where I live now, and where my 'community' is (mostly)...
 5 train stations... if I take the train (I do have the car)...

 I don't want to start again....
 I don't want to learn to fit into a new community...
 I don't want to be any more lonely....
 I don't want to put most of my stuff in storage...

 A friend said today... that it can take quite a time for our emotions to process and catch up with our decisions and thoughts...

 I hope they do..... eventually......