It's time

It's time to move the profound expression of grief off the front page of my blog - not that the grief has passed, but the intensity has eased somewhat.  I remain in a conundrum about what to do about church - well not really, I have decided that I will look around at other churches.  Somehow regular conventional church just doesn't do it for me any more - although I know it isn't all about me.

I have been to visit a 'church of disappointment' for 3 Sundays.  They minister to the marginalised and have a professional, yet spontaneous type of worship.  People with mental health issues may call out during the sermon, there is the noise of the children during the main part of the service, until the sermon, some people in wheelchairs come, who are extremely disabled, homeless people wander in off the street, street girls come in and light a candle and cross them selves at the altar, while the sermon is on.  The service breaks for morning tea just before the message, and there is a shared lunch afterwards.  The ministers are kind, thoughtful, sensitive and gentle.  And they have couches - a big bonus for me.  I like it there.  They have communion every week, and you go up and receive it from the servers in the aisles.  My only problem is that it is a bit far from where I live.  But it may be a place of healing, that I can attend for a while.

I am still linked with my other church because of some groups I'm involved with there - the big question is - do I let those groups go or not???  One only lasts til the end of July.  I can wait that long surely.  How do I discern about whether to let the other group go or not - when we reach the July holidays.  My gut tells me to, my guilt tells me not to.  I guess it shouldn't be too difficult to know which one to follow! :) .

Saying hello

Be still and know that I am God...

 God is God of my church which is in turmoil...
 He/she is God of my pastor, who may be sacked this weekend....
 She/he is God of me... whose support structures are all in flux just now.....

 I was just sitting here thinking on these things and realised that often letting go comes before saying hello...
 There are many things that I seem to be 'losing' all at once...
 Especially in terms of the structures of my supports because of changes in these people's lives...

 The challenge is to 'let go'.....  and have open hands to 'say hello' to whatever new things may be out there for me... without being overcome by the anxiety, loneliness and grief that is part of the process....

 We get used to things being 'as they have been'
 It hurts when they change....
 ..... like when they took the comfy chairs out of the op shop cafe where I used to hang out more...
 .....like when I had conflict with one of my 4 best friends...
 ..... like when a significant support person lost her son, and may lose her job....
 ..... like when another significant support person may lose his job - and for both of these that means much more limited access to them on a 'drop-in for 5 minutes' basis...

 It hasn't happened yet  ... and as a wise friend said to me yesterday... it isn't my decision...

 Be still and Know that I am God!