Saying hello

Be still and know that I am God...

 God is God of my church which is in turmoil...
 He/she is God of my pastor, who may be sacked this weekend....
 She/he is God of me... whose support structures are all in flux just now.....

 I was just sitting here thinking on these things and realised that often letting go comes before saying hello...
 There are many things that I seem to be 'losing' all at once...
 Especially in terms of the structures of my supports because of changes in these people's lives...

 The challenge is to 'let go'.....  and have open hands to 'say hello' to whatever new things may be out there for me... without being overcome by the anxiety, loneliness and grief that is part of the process....

 We get used to things being 'as they have been'
 It hurts when they change....
 ..... like when they took the comfy chairs out of the op shop cafe where I used to hang out more...
 .....like when I had conflict with one of my 4 best friends...
 ..... like when a significant support person lost her son, and may lose her job....
 ..... like when another significant support person may lose his job - and for both of these that means much more limited access to them on a 'drop-in for 5 minutes' basis...

 It hasn't happened yet  ... and as a wise friend said to me yesterday... it isn't my decision...

 Be still and Know that I am God!

Contentment?????

4.45. 26.06.2011. Sunday...

 What do you hope for?
 What do you seek?
 What do you long for?

 One of the longings of my heart is 'contentment'.....
 An ability to be 'okay' with where I am, and what I am able to do, and my friendship networks...

 I have been thinking about loneliness this afternoon - about that ache for connection, that I believe exists in each of us, but for some of us, for whatever reason... the connections we have, never feel enough...

 I guess that says that the connections are not at fault, but rather something about how I am able to hold them, and trust it them...

 There have been a few changes (and changes ahead) in the availability of a couple of significant connections for me...  It hurts....

I know that things will settle into the new rhythm... I know that having a partner doesn't necessarily mean connection either... I know that somehow contentment with myself and my own company, must come from within, if it isn't to frighten other people away.... but it hurts.

 And on top of all that... how am I going to be able to get the windows cleaned in my house, when I am moving in 5 weeks...?  It is one job, I just can't do...

 I need something today... and I don't even really know what it is...