I was reading part of this Psalm this afternoon, and wondering again why I feel so angry when I read it... It is supposed to be one of the Psalms that brings most comfort - as we are invited to consider that we are fearfully and wonderfully made... and I feel angry....
I was talking with my counsellor last week about gratitude bringing contentment - and she made the wise observation that this can be effective if the source of lack of contentment is envy, and she doesn't think that is the source of my lack of contentment... I'm not sure we worked out what is... and I expressed my frustration with repetitions of lengthly gratitude exercises over the past 10 years - which don't seem to have impacted my general mood and feeling of well being one iota! And yet.... I know and firmly believe that being alive to the possibilities and realities in the moment are somehow a key to greater contentment for me... and I guess that means the realities even with they suck!
If I could somehow learn to relish the present - the slight breeze from the fan, the music, the birds outside.. the reality of being 'in my skin' at this very moment... with the anxiety, sorrow, grief, and yet inkling of plans to try and get my physical self moving in the right direction again... as of now...
I can see my 'love to hug' piglet, pink and soft... I can see the photo of my parents taken 15 years ago or so.. with all the mixed emotions that brings... I can see the lovely box full of birthday cards from my birthday 2 months ago - and just next to me is my soft snuggle rug and snuggle shawl. And angels surround! (no candle today, because of the fan)...
I hope to go to drawing class this week... on thursday morning... at least it will be a start... even if I just draw bottles again... it has been so long...
Our concept of gratitude might be problematic sometimes. This is usually taught by parents. Just a thought.
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