Friends???

I have been thinking a lot about friends over the past few days... after having had a significant series of misunderstandings with a significant friend...

 When this happens... is it possible to negotiate through to a place of mutual trust again?
 When this happens... is apology enough, especially when the mistakes on my side were unintentioned and unknown?
 When this happens... how do I process the hurt and sense of betrayal... how do I move to a place of forgiveness?

 I need my friends... do I need them too much?  Is this part of my mental illness?  Is knowing how to respect others' boundaries something we learn through social conditioning?  Or is it something that we struggle with through errors and corrections for a considerable time?  Until we die?

 I don't know how to begin to mend this friendship that has been wounded and I'm not even sure that my friend wants to...

 I am very sad about that...... and my heart hurts... and my mind has been racing about how I could have done things differently.. which I know isn't helpful in the long run.

 I remember, when I was in Madagascar... and had made yet another cultural mistake...  the words came to mind that 'the blood of Jesus covers a multitude of sins...'  I had a picture of putting my mistakes with Jesus, and trusting that those I had offended or hurt, would forgive and forget....  Guess I could do that now...

Contentment?????

4.45. 26.06.2011. Sunday...

 What do you hope for?
 What do you seek?
 What do you long for?

 One of the longings of my heart is 'contentment'.....
 An ability to be 'okay' with where I am, and what I am able to do, and my friendship networks...

 I have been thinking about loneliness this afternoon - about that ache for connection, that I believe exists in each of us, but for some of us, for whatever reason... the connections we have, never feel enough...

 I guess that says that the connections are not at fault, but rather something about how I am able to hold them, and trust it them...

 There have been a few changes (and changes ahead) in the availability of a couple of significant connections for me...  It hurts....

I know that things will settle into the new rhythm... I know that having a partner doesn't necessarily mean connection either... I know that somehow contentment with myself and my own company, must come from within, if it isn't to frighten other people away.... but it hurts.

 And on top of all that... how am I going to be able to get the windows cleaned in my house, when I am moving in 5 weeks...?  It is one job, I just can't do...

 I need something today... and I don't even really know what it is...

Charcoal drawing

 Here is the latest charcoal portrait I have done - together with the photo I worked from.
 
 It is only A3 paper instead of the A1 I used when I did mum's picture - but it will be easier to frame and give to my friend.

 I did it on Sunday afternoon... then yesterday I went and saw the European Masters at the National Gallery.  It was amazing to see the work of Renoir, Van Gogh, and Monet - in the flesh so to speak.

 I was more aware of colour and light and shade - and knowing where the light source is - so that it is consistent in the picture.

I'd like to be brave enough to try again with the pastels - I hope we do some more work with them in the next term of drawing class.

 I am feeling a lot more settled today.  Just spent 2 hours with a dear friend and her 4 and 1 year old.  It is so lovely to spend some time playing with and interacting with the littlies - especially as the boy was into a few cuddles today - which he often isn't.

Thankful for friends of all ages..
 For the community shop which made a lovely pumpkin and carrot soup today.
 For learning how to draw...
 For my counsellor and those who have facilitated my visits to her.
 For a safe trip to see my family on the weekend.

Birdsong

One thing about being awake quite early - is that I can hear the birds singing.

I often think about the fact that not a sparrow falls to the ground without the Lord being aware - and He said I am more valuable to Him than sparrows.... Does that mean that He really cares about how I feel? Hmmmmmmm...... What difference does that make?

I could go looking for some suitable paper for my next drawing... have MT with a friend at 10.30 and then off to J's...

Talked to my new friend on the phone last night - she said she would like to meet up regularly. I would like that....

Friday

Sometimes even when some positive things have occured during the week - and some hints of sparkle in some revelations --- it doesn't mean it is easy to come up with things to be thankful for when I get to the end of the day.

A dear friend is going O/S for 5 weeks tomorrow - I know it will be okay, but I will miss her.

Gives me an opportunity to draw on and broaden the others in my friendship and support network.

I am thankful for them -

I have reluctantly turned my picture to the wall for a few days (week?) at the suggestion of an artist friend - so that I can come back to it with fresh eyes and 'finish it off'. I need to get a couple of boards to make a 'folio' for my work, and some special paper to put between the pieces so they don't smudge, and some big bull clips to hold it all together. Maybe I will just clip the pictures to boards and prop them up all around the house - I like looking at them!

Weary inside tonight.....

Thankful for my new bright doona cover (a birthday present) - even washed and dried today so I could put it on the bed already.

Friends Rock!

I just posted this as my Facebook status - and am sitting here thinking about a number of my good friends and how much they encourage me. I am very blessed.

Thanks for
J to have lunch with today - and some laughs.
D who gave me a cup of coffee (well 2 actually) and we were able to have a good talk.
C who shared a cup of tea with me yesterday morning.
J and J at the community shop for their care and encouragement when I go there for a cuppa or lunch.
J for being such a gifted and skilled counsellor.

And yes I did survive the visit to the psychiatrist earlier in the week - and as I think about it - have some ideas of things I can take to our next session in October - that may help us to work together better - or at least for him to understand me better.

I am also thankful that the sun is coming out after a week of cold and wet - and we are going to have a 'heat wave' in the next 3 days - predicted to even hit 19 degrees C. Might even get my sheets washed and dried ... outside.

I am thankful for the washing machine - J (at lunch) was telling me about a project she did at school called 'The Life of a Drop'! Lots of drops are being used in the machine today.

And I like candles, hot water bottles, blankies, soft socks, music - and looking at my picture of the kangaroo.

Home again

I had my week at the nuns. It was a focus week on Finding your own happiness and we looked at the things that we find difficult in our lives and then thought about the good things that can come out of those difficult things. I found it a very emotional week and was really struggled in the Tuesday and Wednesday, with a lot of tears (in the privacy of my room) - but things started to come together on Thursday and by Thursday night, I could write a long list of things that are 'Happiness Threads' in my life - even though I very rarely feel 'happy' or 'content'. Some of those threads are the things I write in my thankful list.

I continued to see my counsellor during the time I was there - which was helpful. I have recieved some generous financial help for the cost of those visits which will last the next 8 weeks. I trust that good work will be done during that time.

Have spent nice time with good friends the past two days since I got back - and we will see what tomorrow brings. Am planning to get to the gym in the morning - that will at least start the week off on the right foot.

I am thankful for
- a beneficial time at the nuns and the opportunity for that.
- for really special times with good friends yesterday and today.
- for my heat pack.
- for my 4 year old's birthday party the Saturday before I went away.
- for candles......

One of the things that was read to us over the week is that 'Happiness is not the destination... it is the journey...'

Friends!

I am thankful for friends. Things weren't going so well last Friday - and I rang my friend, who lives on the other side of the city, early on Saturday morning - she can cope with a 6.30 am phone call - she said "come", "come and stay" - so by 9.00 am I was at her place. It was an 'odd jobs' weekend for her so I watched her garden and cook and we talked and I slept and read, and her grandchildren came over (3 and 2 years old). Thank you J!!!

I came back home Monday morning -feeling like I have been looked after. That helped.

I am thankful for my skilled counsellor
And for my pastor
And for my friends in the community shop
And for my friends at the nuns - where I went for morning tea today.
And for delicious carrot cake at the nuns morning tea!!!

Not a windy wednesday

I wanted it to be a windy Wednesday today as I put 3 loads of washing on the line this morning before going out to drawing class. Flannelette sheets, towels, and my own washing! And it is due to rain this afternoon... late. I got home in time to get the washing off the line - and it is mostly dry so I now have it draped around various clothes horses and chairs to air and finish drying.

I had drawing class today - we had to take off a shoe and put it on the table and study it closely for 5 minutes, then put it away and draw it from memory with charcoal. I made up a fair bit of mine!!! Then we put the shoe there again and drew it from sight - I enjoyed doing that - I was wearing runners - so it was quite complicated - but did look like a runner in the end. Then we played around with some brushes and ink - using a still life as inspiration. We will do more ink next week.

I am thankful that most of the washing got dry (ish).
For drawing class and the encouraging ladies there (and one bloke).
For a delicious lunch out with a friend.
For making a couple of new friends over the internet - who 'get' the mental health stuff.
For my heat pack, warm socks that a friend gave me, and my blankie.

I am thankful for all my friends! I need you all so much ----