Settling in???

What does it mean to settle in?
 What does it mean to 'be at home?'
 What does it mean to 'belong'?

 Or maybe I shouldn't add the last one in there...  Maybe I can settle in, and/or be at home... even if I don't feel like I 'belong'...  I don't know if I will ever feel like I belong... anywhere.

 I have been in my new home for a week, tomorrow - my counsellor said this morning, that seeing as I am a 'body' person, part of the process of being at home, is giving my body time to know where it is - to know what the floor feels like under my feet, to know the way to the bathroom at night, to know what side to get out of bed, to know about the light and dark... to know where to sit/lie to watch TV... for the little I watch... these things take time.

 I heard the rain on the tin roof overhang outside my window this morning (and over night)... it brought back memories of Madagascar.. and the anxiety... I need to acknowledge the anxiety, and remember that I'm in Melbourne now, and there is a dog here, and a house mate - and the burglars are not coming - or the pick pockets, or the robbers and bandits and bad guys.  I might need to remember that a lot of times.

 I was thinking yesterday, that I need to practice 'coming home' - instead of being out ... and looking for someone to be with - to connect to... Can I connect to this little unit?  Can I start a drawing? Can I do more than sleep and eat here?

 It has only been a week.............................................................

New Place -- not perfect

..... but hopefully okay....

 I move to 4 suburbs away from my community support base.. on Saturday.  I have a couple of men to help with the moving and a trailer - still all feels pretty overwhelming though.  It is to a 2 bedroom unit, with another lady, who is buying the unit - so at least it should be stable for a while - if we manage to get along.

 It has been a challenging month out of town at my friend's place while she has been away.  Better now she is back... somewhere between now and saturday, I need to clean the bathroom and bedroom where I have been staying --- hmmmm. and.... can I pack up all my stuff at her place into my car on Saturday?... there will be a way.

 Had a lovely birthday party on Saturday - very nice - thanks to all my friends and family who came.

 Pondering on, where is a good place to have a week's holiday before the end of the year... and with whom?????

Itinerant...

Well, I have moved out of the home I have been in for the past 5 1/2 years.  The second longest time I have lived at any one address.  Now I am staying with a friend from church for a couple of months.  She is away for a month from today - so I will be house sitting.  It is some distance from my 'network' and I am feeling the isolation of that already.  But the home is lovely and - I can use her computer some times.... I am ringing up a phone bill on my mobile, but have to remember that I'm not paying for a land line at the moment.

 The move went well - thanks to my capable helpers... I was actually quite sick with gastro those couple of days - so mostly directed traffic.  My sisters came and helped, along with nephews - so that was lovely.

 Where to from here?  I don't know...  Sometimes we have to sit with the questions -
 
 At least I have a friend coming to stay this weekend.. and hopefully will get back into my routine next week... 

 Breathe... hey ... we all need to remember that...

Calmer Hope

A new day...
 Sunshine
 A reasonable sleep...

 I feel better about the move today. I will even go and get some more boxes this morning.  I need to write an email to my sister about the things I want to get rid of and see what she wants... They are coming up on the 13 to help me move, and hopefully there will be some help from church as well.

 I can ask for help...
 I can do this....
 Thanks to those who commented...
 There may be pleasant surprises ahead...

Mistaken Hope

Diso fanentanana.... Mistaken Hope -- another Malagasy lesson for today...

 I feel like I should be rejoicing...... but I'm not....
 I have made a decision about where to live...
 I will move to 4 suburbs away in 2 1/2 weeks...
 To a shared house with two others (3 when the owner is there)...
 I have a bedroom and bathroom... and use of the common areas...
 I can take my bed, and hopefully my recliner...  A bedside table and a bookcase...
 I can connect to the internet...

 Instead of feeling good, I feel incredibly sad....
 How do I take the 'I know it will be okay...' and really KNOW it???????
 It is about a 20 minute drive back to where I live now, and where my 'community' is (mostly)...
 5 train stations... if I take the train (I do have the car)...

 I don't want to start again....
 I don't want to learn to fit into a new community...
 I don't want to be any more lonely....
 I don't want to put most of my stuff in storage...

 A friend said today... that it can take quite a time for our emotions to process and catch up with our decisions and thoughts...

 I hope they do..... eventually......

Mercy

"Sambatra ny miantra, fa izy no hiantrana..." Matthew 5...

 "Blessed are the merciful for they will be shown mercy..."

When my father was dying of cancer and was deteriorating... I sat on his bed with him and said, we will ask God to be merciful...  He said, "God is always merciful".  That conversation has stuck with me.

 I am due to move in 3 weeks, and the place I was moving to has fallen through... so I don't know where I will be going.  It has been a rollercoaster ride the past few days (I found out on Monday late afternoon).

 What does it mean to be shown mercy?  It is getting something good that I don't deserve...  I believe that God's mercy is showered on all people and I don't know why some live in wars, famine, and devastation...

 Somehow we are agents of God's mercy too - as we advocate for peace and justice, and care for people and our world... my friends have been agents of God's mercy to me over the past couple of days, as they have supported me emotionally and practically...

 And it doesn't mean that I feel good, relaxed, or at peace....

 To learn to receive... to say the eternal "Yes" to life, whatever it may bring is the challenge facing me today...

Jesus loves you???

7.30 am 6.7.11. Wednesday

 Jesus loves you
 This you know
 For the Bible
 Tells you so.......

 Needed to use the second person pronoun today...

 In the first person, as it is normally sung... this is one of my mantras when I can't think, can't act, can't plan... when I am overcome by the anxiety etc...

 But what does it mean???

 What does it mean to me today... when life sux...just now?????????