Thinking about death!

I have been thinking for some days about where to write...  there isn't always the appropriate forum - and sometimes the journal just doesn't cut it...

 One of my best friend's sons was killed in a pedestrian accident a week ago - he was 23, has a fiancee and they had just moved into their new house.  They had just got a lovely puppy!  The funeral was on Friday - moving, respectful, overwhelmingly sad... but with laughs as people remembered EXtreme Wes.

 I have had to see my counsellor some extra times during this period - it is a little unclear if his death was a suicide or not, and that triggers stuff for me - what about when I want to? 

 Then there is all the stuff about how I may want to be remembered if/when I die?  Who plans the funeral? Where do I want to end up? Does it really matter?  Right now it seems to matter.... I will put some stuff down on paper... soon... this week???

 And then there is my dear friend who is suffering such deep wrenching grief... she and her husband and family and the fiancee...  and yet I miss her - normally I see her even if just for a few minutes, most days, as she works at the office next door to the community shop where I hang out a bit.  What do I do with my grief about that?  And my shared grief with her?  I said on Facebook.. I want to come and sit in the silence with sack cloth and ashes....

 It all bloody hurts - and I guess looking to 'make it go away' isn't the aim...but to sit with it ... to allow it to be... to 'be' in it...  and it is lonely.....

 PS - I am back in some contact with my friend referred to in the previous post... it will take time to build bridges.

Friends???

I have been thinking a lot about friends over the past few days... after having had a significant series of misunderstandings with a significant friend...

 When this happens... is it possible to negotiate through to a place of mutual trust again?
 When this happens... is apology enough, especially when the mistakes on my side were unintentioned and unknown?
 When this happens... how do I process the hurt and sense of betrayal... how do I move to a place of forgiveness?

 I need my friends... do I need them too much?  Is this part of my mental illness?  Is knowing how to respect others' boundaries something we learn through social conditioning?  Or is it something that we struggle with through errors and corrections for a considerable time?  Until we die?

 I don't know how to begin to mend this friendship that has been wounded and I'm not even sure that my friend wants to...

 I am very sad about that...... and my heart hurts... and my mind has been racing about how I could have done things differently.. which I know isn't helpful in the long run.

 I remember, when I was in Madagascar... and had made yet another cultural mistake...  the words came to mind that 'the blood of Jesus covers a multitude of sins...'  I had a picture of putting my mistakes with Jesus, and trusting that those I had offended or hurt, would forgive and forget....  Guess I could do that now...

Prayer???

I don't know if we have done this one before?  Been thinking about prayer this week.. and why we/I do it...and what I expect.  Someone said, in a group I was in - that people say we should pray specifically - he reckons that the 'positive thinking seminars' give the same concept - and if you put a picture of your perfect house up by your mirror - the chances of you getting it are the same with prayer as with positive thinking...

 I was sitting in the group - thinking that I don't think that is what prayer is for... and thinking about what I pray for... yes, sometimes it is something specific - but often, most often, when I pray for myself or others - it is more an act of putting ourselves into the conversation with God...  Being present with Her - and leaving the outcome in His hands...  doesn't mean I don't have desperate heart longings - and doesn't mean I don't get disappointed - and doesn't mean I don't pray more specific prayers sometimes....

 Why do you pray, and how do you pray?

I know I long for a measure of contentment - I've longed for that, before God, for a very long time... and sometimes wonder if I am having any more 'moments of contentment' now that I did before????  I long to feel at home, and like I belong, and that I matter...  My counsellor said I can't really know that I matter to others until I practice mattering to myself more.... Now that is a hard one...

 Saw the pdoc ... med change going as expected... some difficulties, but no unexpected ones...

 I even went for a walk yesterday - and vacuumed - and did some bible study work on the computer... and got really lonely in the evening...

 Hmmmmmmmmm.......

Sometimes life sucks!

Been changing my antidepressants the past 3 weeks... I thought I would be okay - but the past 4 to 5 days have been really, really difficult....  I saw my therapist yesterday and as we talked about things, she said that there doesn't seem to be much real change in the issues etc - so my low mood and dark thoughts are most likely from the med change -  It has been really hard.... even just to keep doing the basic things...

 I see the psychiatrist on Thursday morning - at the unearthly hour of 8.00 am - maybe I won't shower before that one!  I need to really make an effort to tell her what is really going on for me - which I tend to understate.  I have an appointment with the GP today - just to be seeing another professional.....

 I'll be glad when we have some warmer weather towards the end of the week - which will be good -.

 If you think of me, friends... think courage in my direction!

 Thankful for some good friends - who 'get it' and for other friends who don't by still try to care in their own way...

Settling in???

What does it mean to settle in?
 What does it mean to 'be at home?'
 What does it mean to 'belong'?

 Or maybe I shouldn't add the last one in there...  Maybe I can settle in, and/or be at home... even if I don't feel like I 'belong'...  I don't know if I will ever feel like I belong... anywhere.

 I have been in my new home for a week, tomorrow - my counsellor said this morning, that seeing as I am a 'body' person, part of the process of being at home, is giving my body time to know where it is - to know what the floor feels like under my feet, to know the way to the bathroom at night, to know what side to get out of bed, to know about the light and dark... to know where to sit/lie to watch TV... for the little I watch... these things take time.

 I heard the rain on the tin roof overhang outside my window this morning (and over night)... it brought back memories of Madagascar.. and the anxiety... I need to acknowledge the anxiety, and remember that I'm in Melbourne now, and there is a dog here, and a house mate - and the burglars are not coming - or the pick pockets, or the robbers and bandits and bad guys.  I might need to remember that a lot of times.

 I was thinking yesterday, that I need to practice 'coming home' - instead of being out ... and looking for someone to be with - to connect to... Can I connect to this little unit?  Can I start a drawing? Can I do more than sleep and eat here?

 It has only been a week.............................................................

New Place -- not perfect

..... but hopefully okay....

 I move to 4 suburbs away from my community support base.. on Saturday.  I have a couple of men to help with the moving and a trailer - still all feels pretty overwhelming though.  It is to a 2 bedroom unit, with another lady, who is buying the unit - so at least it should be stable for a while - if we manage to get along.

 It has been a challenging month out of town at my friend's place while she has been away.  Better now she is back... somewhere between now and saturday, I need to clean the bathroom and bedroom where I have been staying --- hmmmm. and.... can I pack up all my stuff at her place into my car on Saturday?... there will be a way.

 Had a lovely birthday party on Saturday - very nice - thanks to all my friends and family who came.

 Pondering on, where is a good place to have a week's holiday before the end of the year... and with whom?????

Itinerant...

Well, I have moved out of the home I have been in for the past 5 1/2 years.  The second longest time I have lived at any one address.  Now I am staying with a friend from church for a couple of months.  She is away for a month from today - so I will be house sitting.  It is some distance from my 'network' and I am feeling the isolation of that already.  But the home is lovely and - I can use her computer some times.... I am ringing up a phone bill on my mobile, but have to remember that I'm not paying for a land line at the moment.

 The move went well - thanks to my capable helpers... I was actually quite sick with gastro those couple of days - so mostly directed traffic.  My sisters came and helped, along with nephews - so that was lovely.

 Where to from here?  I don't know...  Sometimes we have to sit with the questions -
 
 At least I have a friend coming to stay this weekend.. and hopefully will get back into my routine next week... 

 Breathe... hey ... we all need to remember that...