Duplex... situations

Doing things hard today...

My gifted and caring pastor had to resign due to a church conflict in late November...

 I got word in the past day or so, that a very dear Malagasy friend and pastor - has been kicked out of his church where he has pastored for 12 years... with much resistance from the power brokers, because he wouldn't play their game... and they have won now.

 My australian pastor still has somewhere to live... my Malagasy pastor and his family (youngest 4 months old) have had to move from the manse and I expect will be crowded into one room in the home of family members...

 My Australian pastor has received his entitlements.... my Malagasy pastor has had to leave with about 7000 dollars owing from the 12 years he has been there, when he has been underpaid... and no entitlements...

 It sounds like I'm comparing the situations... just that I'm so grateful that our freedoms and unions and culture allow for people who have been 'moved on' to be cared for sometimes... not like in Madagascar...  were there is no care...

 Both situations break my heart - and I am feeling very sad today, and distressed...  I wish there was something I could do to help both of these men and their families ... and I have nothing to offer - except my care and prayers... and it just hurts...

 Really badly...
 Really, really badly....

Revisiting 2011

 Where have you met Christ in 2011?
     in friends, in events, in the environment, in provision, in reconciliation, in quietness, in our minister


thankfulness - What did God unwrap for you in 2011? & What are you thankful for?
    new place to live, some good connections with those I care about, a new psychiatrist, no problems with my car or computer, enough to live on, through the thoughtful generosity of people, some things about myself that I actually like... as hard as they are to remember...
 
sorrow – What have you lost in 2011 & What are you leaving behind?
    ongoing sorrow for many things... so many that I haven't left behind yet...  I have lost a level of fitness and am disappointed about that, left my old home of 5 years, moved further away from my support and friendship base...,

gift – What gifts from the past year can you carry into the next?
    my gifted and insightful counsellor, a measure of physical health, new meds that seem to be helping a bit better, deeper connections with my family, fledgling friendships to be developed, a small group to lead...

fear – What are your fears and worries for the year ahead
    so many unnamed and undefined anxieties....  that some how... I will stuff it all up....

hope – What are your hopes for the coming year?
    a hint of more contentment, and maybe a moment or two of joy, increasing confidence in the things I used to do well before, deeper friendships, a new friend or two...  stability in my living situation for the time being...

 That's enough for now and for this venue...

Advent.... How did it turn out???

So... how did Advent turn out?
 Somehow I found myself a few days out from Christmas, lost and lonely and distressed...  feeling like I had lost my way on the journey to Bethlehem...
 I was discouraged that all the preparation I had made seemed to have turned back on itself.

 I walked through a prayer labyrinth - and the first station was the Wise Men... and the questions asked me to think about and get in touch with the parts of me that plan and prepare, and put those plans into action.

 I felt such overwhelming grief and anger - for the excellent planning skills I have used in the past - that now seem to have been swallowed up in the pit of depression and my mental illness.  I wanted to move from my spot on the labyrinth - and lie on the floor towards the altar of the church, on my stomach, and pound my fists into the carpet...  But of course you 'don't do that'....

 I felt such disappointment in myself that I had prepared so well for Christmas, but had forgotten about planning things for the days in the last week before going to spend some time with my sisters in another town...

 However, the days passed - I am at my sister's home, will be leaving on Monday... time to think tomorrow about New Year 2012.

 I am carrying around with me, a little white stone, given to me by my counsellor... it is to remind me that I can 'find the way home' - if I just listen and pay attention....  The stone 'has my name on it'...  It has brought me great comfort.

 Paying attention is a good thing.....

Advent???

I have been looking forward to Advent...
 And didn't mind the first few readings in my book, Mary's Diary...
 That is where I ended up with a list of things about myself that I actually like...

 But today.... I'm just angry.
 Angry at talk about belonging, being chosen, being loved, and being noticed...
 I don't feel like many of those things are happening for me just at the moment...
 I don't want to hear about these things I long for happening for someone else...

 Today I have wanted to curl up in bed and never move again...
 I have thought various unhelpful thoughts... still think.....
 Sometimes chocolate biscuits just aren't enough...

Loneliness

Don't have any wise platitudes and confident phrases today....

 Sometimes I can have spent time with people and not have been touched in that deep place that yearns so much to be nurtured... like at my group break up today...

When is it time to reach out? and when is it time to sit with the loneliness and know that this is part of life... certainly a big part of my life?

And, I'm tired... what use is that?

 Hmmmmm.........

 Often tele doesn't cut it either.............

Saying hello

Be still and know that I am God...

 God is God of my church which is in turmoil...
 He/she is God of my pastor, who may be sacked this weekend....
 She/he is God of me... whose support structures are all in flux just now.....

 I was just sitting here thinking on these things and realised that often letting go comes before saying hello...
 There are many things that I seem to be 'losing' all at once...
 Especially in terms of the structures of my supports because of changes in these people's lives...

 The challenge is to 'let go'.....  and have open hands to 'say hello' to whatever new things may be out there for me... without being overcome by the anxiety, loneliness and grief that is part of the process....

 We get used to things being 'as they have been'
 It hurts when they change....
 ..... like when they took the comfy chairs out of the op shop cafe where I used to hang out more...
 .....like when I had conflict with one of my 4 best friends...
 ..... like when a significant support person lost her son, and may lose her job....
 ..... like when another significant support person may lose his job - and for both of these that means much more limited access to them on a 'drop-in for 5 minutes' basis...

 It hasn't happened yet  ... and as a wise friend said to me yesterday... it isn't my decision...

 Be still and Know that I am God!

Banksia

That is all there is to say today...