4.45. 26.06.2011. Sunday...
What do you hope for?
What do you seek?
What do you long for?
One of the longings of my heart is 'contentment'.....
An ability to be 'okay' with where I am, and what I am able to do, and my friendship networks...
I have been thinking about loneliness this afternoon - about that ache for connection, that I believe exists in each of us, but for some of us, for whatever reason... the connections we have, never feel enough...
I guess that says that the connections are not at fault, but rather something about how I am able to hold them, and trust it them...
There have been a few changes (and changes ahead) in the availability of a couple of significant connections for me... It hurts....
I know that things will settle into the new rhythm... I know that having a partner doesn't necessarily mean connection either... I know that somehow contentment with myself and my own company, must come from within, if it isn't to frighten other people away.... but it hurts.
And on top of all that... how am I going to be able to get the windows cleaned in my house, when I am moving in 5 weeks...? It is one job, I just can't do...
I need something today... and I don't even really know what it is...
Sunday, June 26, 2011
Sunday, June 19, 2011
What happens when you pray?
8.15 am. 19.06.11. Sunday
I was preparing for a 6 hour session of having my story listened to, and this was one of the questions. I was surprised at my response..
I have thought for a long time, that nothing happens when I pray, that I don't have a sense of God being present. That I don't have any expectation that he will hear me, especially when it is prayers for myself.
But as I pondered this question, and let it sink into my gut... I realised that something does happen when I pray.
When I pray, when I'm not distressed, I have a sense of connecting to the 'Other', and sense of Largeness. I bring the people and situations that come to mind into this Presence... and sit with the questions and the longings. It is a nice place to be...
When I pray when I'm distressed ... I throw out the questions, the longing and yearning of my heart... sometimes my tears, and often I repeat the mantra, "I'm not going to do deals with you, God..." So much of my life has been trying to 'do deals' ... "If I can somehow pray enough - say the right things - have the right feelings - do the right things - then God will answer the deep yearning of my heart.
I don't 'do deals' anymore... So I guess, often I just sit with the yearning and the questions, and sometimes the apparent hopelessness that anything can change... and you know... usually, eventually, there is a shift in me.
I guess there is Hope in that...
I was preparing for a 6 hour session of having my story listened to, and this was one of the questions. I was surprised at my response..
I have thought for a long time, that nothing happens when I pray, that I don't have a sense of God being present. That I don't have any expectation that he will hear me, especially when it is prayers for myself.
But as I pondered this question, and let it sink into my gut... I realised that something does happen when I pray.
When I pray, when I'm not distressed, I have a sense of connecting to the 'Other', and sense of Largeness. I bring the people and situations that come to mind into this Presence... and sit with the questions and the longings. It is a nice place to be...
When I pray when I'm distressed ... I throw out the questions, the longing and yearning of my heart... sometimes my tears, and often I repeat the mantra, "I'm not going to do deals with you, God..." So much of my life has been trying to 'do deals' ... "If I can somehow pray enough - say the right things - have the right feelings - do the right things - then God will answer the deep yearning of my heart.
I don't 'do deals' anymore... So I guess, often I just sit with the yearning and the questions, and sometimes the apparent hopelessness that anything can change... and you know... usually, eventually, there is a shift in me.
I guess there is Hope in that...
Friday, June 3, 2011
Processing stuff
3.30 pm. 3.6.11. Friday...
Why does processing difficult stuff take so long... is it possible to be able to move on?
Is it really a case of just putting things behind you and looking to the future?
If so, why does the fact that I tried that for 30 years, and ended up feeling worse than ever before?
Doing some hard emotional work at present, in a number of different spheres...
I am in the process of re-evaluating my commitment to the Community Care at the Op Shop.. I know it is good to be part of that team. I know it is good for me to be stretched outside myself each week. But I'm not sure it is good to have so much stress that I can't sleep, and I feel highly anxious.
I know my primary gifting is in mentoring, teaching, facilitating learning and growth, and the pastoral gifts are an 'aside', in some ways... now that I've committed to co leading a Ladies' Small Group each week, which involves writing and preparing the material, I'm not sure I can do the other????? And there is the possibility of being able to join an art group in the second half of the year, and I can't do that and Community Care and the Small Group.
Where does selfishness come into it?
I was talking to a friend yesterday about feeling like I needed to just 'pull my socks up'... she said that is sort'a hard to do, if you don't have any socks.... Hmmmmmmmmm.......
Why does processing difficult stuff take so long... is it possible to be able to move on?
Is it really a case of just putting things behind you and looking to the future?
If so, why does the fact that I tried that for 30 years, and ended up feeling worse than ever before?
Doing some hard emotional work at present, in a number of different spheres...
I am in the process of re-evaluating my commitment to the Community Care at the Op Shop.. I know it is good to be part of that team. I know it is good for me to be stretched outside myself each week. But I'm not sure it is good to have so much stress that I can't sleep, and I feel highly anxious.
I know my primary gifting is in mentoring, teaching, facilitating learning and growth, and the pastoral gifts are an 'aside', in some ways... now that I've committed to co leading a Ladies' Small Group each week, which involves writing and preparing the material, I'm not sure I can do the other????? And there is the possibility of being able to join an art group in the second half of the year, and I can't do that and Community Care and the Small Group.
Where does selfishness come into it?
I was talking to a friend yesterday about feeling like I needed to just 'pull my socks up'... she said that is sort'a hard to do, if you don't have any socks.... Hmmmmmmmmm.......
Not the Archies
2.30 pm 3.6.11. Friday
Not the Archies, is an art exhibition held in my part of the city... My counsellor heard about it and encouraged me to enter one of my works, so I have done this portrait of our cycling pastor...
There are some prizes... I'll let you know if I win anything (which I expect is highly unlikely), but I hope I can find out where the drawing will be exhibited so I can go and look at it.
It is a charcoal drawing on primed canvas.
There are some prizes... I'll let you know if I win anything (which I expect is highly unlikely), but I hope I can find out where the drawing will be exhibited so I can go and look at it.
It is a charcoal drawing on primed canvas.
Wednesday, May 25, 2011
Tuesday, May 24, 2011
God Candle
10.15 pm 24.5.11. Tuesday
I am thankful today for my God candle... which reminds me of light, and connection, and warmth.....
For a cooked hot meal provided for tea, and enough for tomorrow night as well......
For an afternoon sleep......
For my medication.....
For a hug today..... hopefully there will be another one tomorrow....
I am thankful today for my God candle... which reminds me of light, and connection, and warmth.....
For a cooked hot meal provided for tea, and enough for tomorrow night as well......
For an afternoon sleep......
For my medication.....
For a hug today..... hopefully there will be another one tomorrow....
Monday, May 23, 2011
Gratitude
8.15 am, 23.5.11. Monday
I have been thinking about gratitude again this past week, and remembering how I was using this blog as a gratitude journal, when I started nearly a year ago... What happened? I wonder? I know that being grateful got more difficult somehow... or maybe it was the writing it down... in cyberspace that got more difficult.
I am grateful for people and events in my life, which have 'made a difference'... there are so many people.. How can I imagine that I am isolated and alone... as I so often feel? My counsellor says that when I think of the things I'm grateful for, the key is to remember with my feelings and not just my mind... as that is all part of retraining the neural pathways towards positive thinking rather than negative.
Another mentor and guide says that imagining a good experience, with all your senses, does the same thing to your brain as actually experiencing it... Goodness me!
I remember one of my early counsellor's suggesting that when I feel loved to relish that experience and hold on to it, and remember..."This is what it feels like to feel loved" (Yes, that was you HRF)...
I am grateful today for these mentors and guides whose lives have impacted mine... in ways they can't even know about.
I am grateful for the everyday friends, who show me through a word, a hug, a smile, an email, a phone call, a text message... that I do matter.... Something that I find really hard to hold on to.
I am grateful for an opportunity to do some more drawing... and the challenge to be more creative and expressive in my drawing...
I am grateful for the mystery of waiting between Easter and Pentecost...
And I am grateful for a Nescafe Mocha in my big mug... for a morning drink to linger over and savour. :-)
I have been thinking about gratitude again this past week, and remembering how I was using this blog as a gratitude journal, when I started nearly a year ago... What happened? I wonder? I know that being grateful got more difficult somehow... or maybe it was the writing it down... in cyberspace that got more difficult.
I am grateful for people and events in my life, which have 'made a difference'... there are so many people.. How can I imagine that I am isolated and alone... as I so often feel? My counsellor says that when I think of the things I'm grateful for, the key is to remember with my feelings and not just my mind... as that is all part of retraining the neural pathways towards positive thinking rather than negative.
Another mentor and guide says that imagining a good experience, with all your senses, does the same thing to your brain as actually experiencing it... Goodness me!
I remember one of my early counsellor's suggesting that when I feel loved to relish that experience and hold on to it, and remember..."This is what it feels like to feel loved" (Yes, that was you HRF)...
I am grateful today for these mentors and guides whose lives have impacted mine... in ways they can't even know about.
I am grateful for the everyday friends, who show me through a word, a hug, a smile, an email, a phone call, a text message... that I do matter.... Something that I find really hard to hold on to.
I am grateful for an opportunity to do some more drawing... and the challenge to be more creative and expressive in my drawing...
I am grateful for the mystery of waiting between Easter and Pentecost...
And I am grateful for a Nescafe Mocha in my big mug... for a morning drink to linger over and savour. :-)
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)