Hassles

I have been off the air for a while..  My computer has been away for repairs and was a bit of a mess before that.  The past few days have been very stressful, as I have had to take my car to the panel beaters for repairs to some scratched paint from a bump a number of weeks ago.  It made me realize that my capacity to cope with stress remains under developed.  It is a relief to have the car and the computer back now and the internet connection working as well.

I am house sitting the resident dog - a Jack Russell - until next Wednesday.  Not too hard, feeding and water, and some tablets that he needs to take. 

I wish I could say that life is improving, but often all I can feel are the bumps that come along the way.  I do have some new friends though, which has been a joy.  I am very thankful for the friends who encourage me so much in so many areas.

Respite

I have the wonderful opportunity to spend 2 nights and 3 days with friends in their beautiful spare room - built as a retreat - heating/cooling, TV, tea and coffee and fridge, en suite with bath made to lie down in and scented oil and candles - green to see from the windows, a little balcony - if it wasn't too cold for it.  Only 5 minutes walk from a creek walking trail....

Books to read - home cooked food -

It should be bliss - but it also gives time for reflection which can be painful.  Still I have use of my friend's computer now, so can keep in touch with people.  and oh yes... I forgot to bring my CD's and the music on my phone is on shuffle! so gives me a real mixture! and it is designed for walking, not reflecting...

Can't have everything.  I'll be better prepared next time!  Thankful for dear friends who share their lives with me.

Bugger

It is pretty bad when your life's goal is to learn how to somehow be more content with your own company - and you can't imagine how that could ever happen.

When you go to bed each day wondering how you will be able to get up the next morning, and yet somehow you always do.

When sometimes going through the motions of life is just not enough....

But that seems to be all there is....

It's time

It's time to move the profound expression of grief off the front page of my blog - not that the grief has passed, but the intensity has eased somewhat.  I remain in a conundrum about what to do about church - well not really, I have decided that I will look around at other churches.  Somehow regular conventional church just doesn't do it for me any more - although I know it isn't all about me.

I have been to visit a 'church of disappointment' for 3 Sundays.  They minister to the marginalised and have a professional, yet spontaneous type of worship.  People with mental health issues may call out during the sermon, there is the noise of the children during the main part of the service, until the sermon, some people in wheelchairs come, who are extremely disabled, homeless people wander in off the street, street girls come in and light a candle and cross them selves at the altar, while the sermon is on.  The service breaks for morning tea just before the message, and there is a shared lunch afterwards.  The ministers are kind, thoughtful, sensitive and gentle.  And they have couches - a big bonus for me.  I like it there.  They have communion every week, and you go up and receive it from the servers in the aisles.  My only problem is that it is a bit far from where I live.  But it may be a place of healing, that I can attend for a while.

I am still linked with my other church because of some groups I'm involved with there - the big question is - do I let those groups go or not???  One only lasts til the end of July.  I can wait that long surely.  How do I discern about whether to let the other group go or not - when we reach the July holidays.  My gut tells me to, my guilt tells me not to.  I guess it shouldn't be too difficult to know which one to follow! :) .

Grief

This week has been another week when I have been experiencing real and profound grief....

What do you do with the ache in your heart and body, that is just with you day and night?

What do you do with the hopeless thoughts that come?

What do you do with the tears, and wracking sobs... that don't seem to stop forever?

What do you do, when life still goes on around you, and the washing, the showering, the teeth, the food, and the driving still needs to be done?

What do you do when connection is so very essential... and people offer the ocnnection they can, which is gratefully received... and some balm... and the ache remains as you walk away....

How do you explain to the doctor the grief that sounds like it is 'such a ittle thing'?... when for you it isn't?

How do you cope when there is grief upon grief ... and then others you know nothing about... yet... but your body knows?

How do you sit with the essential existential loneliness of that grief - and not become burdened by others' grief over the same loss?

Why do you sit in the counsellor's room and talk simply and unemotionally about how the week has been - like your mouth is cut off from your heart?

Is it true that movement towards acceptance of the loss is possible?  Is it true that movement itself is possible?

People leave, and others can't take their place - and it is just a reminder in my body of all the abandoments of forever.....

What to do when no amount of care is enough.... and the energy to do the things that could bring life... like swimming... is so lacking?

Sleep evades... heart aches.... composure is contained....

Anxiety........

I am thinking about anxiety today.....
 I am in the process of decreasing my day time anti anxiety meds... I reckoned I was still feeling considerable anxiety while taking the meds... so I may as well go off them and look for alternative strategies to cope with feeling anxious....

 Not sure how well that is working....

 Was reading today about a God who looks after me... and wondering why I still feel so anxious so much of the time.... 

 I know that the ongoing process of learning to be 'in the present moment' is part of the solution, and also knowing my feelings in that moment - and processing the things that are happening to me... instead of waiting for 2 days to have a reaction that I can pin point....

 There is the balance between activity, people contact, and down time... I don't handle the down time well...  I also know that now that I have started swimming twice a week... that this can help - and know in my head, that more exercise would help more - Can't change everything at once.

 Today the extreme wind we are having has been exacerbating my anxiety - at least I managed to close the latch the window in my room so it isn't banging anymore....

 My counsellor reckons that as I become more integrated as a person, my anxiety will ease.... Hmmmmmmmm.......

African Child

My last visit to Kenya was in 1996 and I was overcome with all consuming overwhelming grief during the entire 10 days I was there.  Grief for the childhood Kenya which seemed to have changed so much.  Grief for the loss of relationships from my childhood and teenage years... and grief that I didn't even know about...

 I vowed at that time that I would never go back to Kenya again - that whatever had been there for me was gone...

 I have discovered in the past week that my African child is still part of me... that she has been hidden and 'lost' for many years, but due to a friend's recent trip to Africa to visit her missionary daughter and her family - this lost African child has demanded to be noticed.  It has been unsettling and scary as my 'community of selves' has had to move around to find a space for her.

 My African child experiences Africa with pleasure and with all the senses - she is expansive and knows joy... something that I have had so little of for so many years.  I have dug up the few Africa photos I have left, having thrown most of them away when I was moving ... and started the process of scanning them. 

 My friend who just came back from visiting her family - has put forward the idea that I could go to Kenya with her sometime in the next couple of years!  Maybe that would be helpful in my healing.. to have some connection between my Australian life and my Kenyan life.  I have no idea about how this could possibly happen. But I wouldn't even have considered it 6 months ago...

 So..... welcome African child....  I trust you will find a space within me and teach me some of the things you know....