Diso fanentanana.... Mistaken Hope -- another Malagasy lesson for today...
I feel like I should be rejoicing...... but I'm not....
I have made a decision about where to live...
I will move to 4 suburbs away in 2 1/2 weeks...
To a shared house with two others (3 when the owner is there)...
I have a bedroom and bathroom... and use of the common areas...
I can take my bed, and hopefully my recliner... A bedside table and a bookcase...
I can connect to the internet...
Instead of feeling good, I feel incredibly sad....
How do I take the 'I know it will be okay...' and really KNOW it???????
It is about a 20 minute drive back to where I live now, and where my 'community' is (mostly)...
5 train stations... if I take the train (I do have the car)...
I don't want to start again....
I don't want to learn to fit into a new community...
I don't want to be any more lonely....
I don't want to put most of my stuff in storage...
A friend said today... that it can take quite a time for our emotions to process and catch up with our decisions and thoughts...
I hope they do..... eventually......
Wednesday, July 27, 2011
Thursday, July 21, 2011
Mercy
"Sambatra ny miantra, fa izy no hiantrana..." Matthew 5...
"Blessed are the merciful for they will be shown mercy..."
When my father was dying of cancer and was deteriorating... I sat on his bed with him and said, we will ask God to be merciful... He said, "God is always merciful". That conversation has stuck with me.
I am due to move in 3 weeks, and the place I was moving to has fallen through... so I don't know where I will be going. It has been a rollercoaster ride the past few days (I found out on Monday late afternoon).
What does it mean to be shown mercy? It is getting something good that I don't deserve... I believe that God's mercy is showered on all people and I don't know why some live in wars, famine, and devastation...
Somehow we are agents of God's mercy too - as we advocate for peace and justice, and care for people and our world... my friends have been agents of God's mercy to me over the past couple of days, as they have supported me emotionally and practically...
And it doesn't mean that I feel good, relaxed, or at peace....
To learn to receive... to say the eternal "Yes" to life, whatever it may bring is the challenge facing me today...
"Blessed are the merciful for they will be shown mercy..."
When my father was dying of cancer and was deteriorating... I sat on his bed with him and said, we will ask God to be merciful... He said, "God is always merciful". That conversation has stuck with me.
I am due to move in 3 weeks, and the place I was moving to has fallen through... so I don't know where I will be going. It has been a rollercoaster ride the past few days (I found out on Monday late afternoon).
What does it mean to be shown mercy? It is getting something good that I don't deserve... I believe that God's mercy is showered on all people and I don't know why some live in wars, famine, and devastation...
Somehow we are agents of God's mercy too - as we advocate for peace and justice, and care for people and our world... my friends have been agents of God's mercy to me over the past couple of days, as they have supported me emotionally and practically...
And it doesn't mean that I feel good, relaxed, or at peace....
To learn to receive... to say the eternal "Yes" to life, whatever it may bring is the challenge facing me today...
Wednesday, July 6, 2011
Jesus loves you???
7.30 am 6.7.11. Wednesday
Jesus loves you
This you know
For the Bible
Tells you so.......
Needed to use the second person pronoun today...
In the first person, as it is normally sung... this is one of my mantras when I can't think, can't act, can't plan... when I am overcome by the anxiety etc...
But what does it mean???
What does it mean to me today... when life sux...just now?????????
Jesus loves you
This you know
For the Bible
Tells you so.......
Needed to use the second person pronoun today...
In the first person, as it is normally sung... this is one of my mantras when I can't think, can't act, can't plan... when I am overcome by the anxiety etc...
But what does it mean???
What does it mean to me today... when life sux...just now?????????
Sunday, June 26, 2011
Contentment?????
4.45. 26.06.2011. Sunday...
What do you hope for?
What do you seek?
What do you long for?
One of the longings of my heart is 'contentment'.....
An ability to be 'okay' with where I am, and what I am able to do, and my friendship networks...
I have been thinking about loneliness this afternoon - about that ache for connection, that I believe exists in each of us, but for some of us, for whatever reason... the connections we have, never feel enough...
I guess that says that the connections are not at fault, but rather something about how I am able to hold them, and trust it them...
There have been a few changes (and changes ahead) in the availability of a couple of significant connections for me... It hurts....
I know that things will settle into the new rhythm... I know that having a partner doesn't necessarily mean connection either... I know that somehow contentment with myself and my own company, must come from within, if it isn't to frighten other people away.... but it hurts.
And on top of all that... how am I going to be able to get the windows cleaned in my house, when I am moving in 5 weeks...? It is one job, I just can't do...
I need something today... and I don't even really know what it is...
What do you hope for?
What do you seek?
What do you long for?
One of the longings of my heart is 'contentment'.....
An ability to be 'okay' with where I am, and what I am able to do, and my friendship networks...
I have been thinking about loneliness this afternoon - about that ache for connection, that I believe exists in each of us, but for some of us, for whatever reason... the connections we have, never feel enough...
I guess that says that the connections are not at fault, but rather something about how I am able to hold them, and trust it them...
There have been a few changes (and changes ahead) in the availability of a couple of significant connections for me... It hurts....
I know that things will settle into the new rhythm... I know that having a partner doesn't necessarily mean connection either... I know that somehow contentment with myself and my own company, must come from within, if it isn't to frighten other people away.... but it hurts.
And on top of all that... how am I going to be able to get the windows cleaned in my house, when I am moving in 5 weeks...? It is one job, I just can't do...
I need something today... and I don't even really know what it is...
Sunday, June 19, 2011
What happens when you pray?
8.15 am. 19.06.11. Sunday
I was preparing for a 6 hour session of having my story listened to, and this was one of the questions. I was surprised at my response..
I have thought for a long time, that nothing happens when I pray, that I don't have a sense of God being present. That I don't have any expectation that he will hear me, especially when it is prayers for myself.
But as I pondered this question, and let it sink into my gut... I realised that something does happen when I pray.
When I pray, when I'm not distressed, I have a sense of connecting to the 'Other', and sense of Largeness. I bring the people and situations that come to mind into this Presence... and sit with the questions and the longings. It is a nice place to be...
When I pray when I'm distressed ... I throw out the questions, the longing and yearning of my heart... sometimes my tears, and often I repeat the mantra, "I'm not going to do deals with you, God..." So much of my life has been trying to 'do deals' ... "If I can somehow pray enough - say the right things - have the right feelings - do the right things - then God will answer the deep yearning of my heart.
I don't 'do deals' anymore... So I guess, often I just sit with the yearning and the questions, and sometimes the apparent hopelessness that anything can change... and you know... usually, eventually, there is a shift in me.
I guess there is Hope in that...
I was preparing for a 6 hour session of having my story listened to, and this was one of the questions. I was surprised at my response..
I have thought for a long time, that nothing happens when I pray, that I don't have a sense of God being present. That I don't have any expectation that he will hear me, especially when it is prayers for myself.
But as I pondered this question, and let it sink into my gut... I realised that something does happen when I pray.
When I pray, when I'm not distressed, I have a sense of connecting to the 'Other', and sense of Largeness. I bring the people and situations that come to mind into this Presence... and sit with the questions and the longings. It is a nice place to be...
When I pray when I'm distressed ... I throw out the questions, the longing and yearning of my heart... sometimes my tears, and often I repeat the mantra, "I'm not going to do deals with you, God..." So much of my life has been trying to 'do deals' ... "If I can somehow pray enough - say the right things - have the right feelings - do the right things - then God will answer the deep yearning of my heart.
I don't 'do deals' anymore... So I guess, often I just sit with the yearning and the questions, and sometimes the apparent hopelessness that anything can change... and you know... usually, eventually, there is a shift in me.
I guess there is Hope in that...
Friday, June 3, 2011
Processing stuff
3.30 pm. 3.6.11. Friday...
Why does processing difficult stuff take so long... is it possible to be able to move on?
Is it really a case of just putting things behind you and looking to the future?
If so, why does the fact that I tried that for 30 years, and ended up feeling worse than ever before?
Doing some hard emotional work at present, in a number of different spheres...
I am in the process of re-evaluating my commitment to the Community Care at the Op Shop.. I know it is good to be part of that team. I know it is good for me to be stretched outside myself each week. But I'm not sure it is good to have so much stress that I can't sleep, and I feel highly anxious.
I know my primary gifting is in mentoring, teaching, facilitating learning and growth, and the pastoral gifts are an 'aside', in some ways... now that I've committed to co leading a Ladies' Small Group each week, which involves writing and preparing the material, I'm not sure I can do the other????? And there is the possibility of being able to join an art group in the second half of the year, and I can't do that and Community Care and the Small Group.
Where does selfishness come into it?
I was talking to a friend yesterday about feeling like I needed to just 'pull my socks up'... she said that is sort'a hard to do, if you don't have any socks.... Hmmmmmmmmm.......
Why does processing difficult stuff take so long... is it possible to be able to move on?
Is it really a case of just putting things behind you and looking to the future?
If so, why does the fact that I tried that for 30 years, and ended up feeling worse than ever before?
Doing some hard emotional work at present, in a number of different spheres...
I am in the process of re-evaluating my commitment to the Community Care at the Op Shop.. I know it is good to be part of that team. I know it is good for me to be stretched outside myself each week. But I'm not sure it is good to have so much stress that I can't sleep, and I feel highly anxious.
I know my primary gifting is in mentoring, teaching, facilitating learning and growth, and the pastoral gifts are an 'aside', in some ways... now that I've committed to co leading a Ladies' Small Group each week, which involves writing and preparing the material, I'm not sure I can do the other????? And there is the possibility of being able to join an art group in the second half of the year, and I can't do that and Community Care and the Small Group.
Where does selfishness come into it?
I was talking to a friend yesterday about feeling like I needed to just 'pull my socks up'... she said that is sort'a hard to do, if you don't have any socks.... Hmmmmmmmmm.......
Not the Archies
2.30 pm 3.6.11. Friday
Not the Archies, is an art exhibition held in my part of the city... My counsellor heard about it and encouraged me to enter one of my works, so I have done this portrait of our cycling pastor...
There are some prizes... I'll let you know if I win anything (which I expect is highly unlikely), but I hope I can find out where the drawing will be exhibited so I can go and look at it.
It is a charcoal drawing on primed canvas.
There are some prizes... I'll let you know if I win anything (which I expect is highly unlikely), but I hope I can find out where the drawing will be exhibited so I can go and look at it.
It is a charcoal drawing on primed canvas.
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